People Who Do Not Have Enough To Do

Here at Aunt Slugger HQ, we are always on the lookout for major news developments in your Aunt Slugger's hometown of Fort Wayne, a charming hamlet in the northeastern part of Indiana. Sadly, Fort Wayne has had some problems lately, including but not limited to more than 20 homicides in the first half of the calendar year. But honestly, who has time to count homicides when there are more pressing matters at hand, like the proposed addition of a subdivision containing homes valued in the $200-$300k range?

Well, for starters, we've got local residents Tim Gardner and Thomas Metzger, who are concerned that these paltry $200-$300k homes will be too close together and will make the place look like a Haitian shantytown, thus driving down home prices. (Tim Gardner and Thomas Metzger: I am going to assume here that you only dimly aware of affairs outside of northeastern Indiana, so here is an article about shantytowns so that you are armed with other topics of discussion besides the value of your home.) Tim Gardner, who took time out of what I presume is his busy schedule of parading himself around town acting like an elitist jerk, went on record to say, "We didn’t expect to be living next to a trailer park."

Grown man. Actual quote.

So today I find myself issuing an Official Aunt Slugger Warning to my readers:

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN COMPLAIN BITTERLY ABOUT SUBDIVISIONS. THESE PEOPLE ARE SCARY AND WEIRD. TIM GARDNER AND THOMAS METZGER, I'M TALKING TO YOU.

Now, for those of my readers who live in San Francisco, Southern California, New York City, London, or other metropolitan areas where home prices are outrageous, a $200-$300k home in Fort Wayne, Indiana, will net you a lot of house. Even if it did not, a $200-$300k property is nevertheless outside the grasp of many Americans.

But I have left out the best part! The homes in the nearby areas (presumably where Tim Gardner and Thomas Metzger live) are, for the most part, OF SIMILAR VALUE. So home prices are already not that much different than the houses in the proposed subdivision. I am no expert in real estate, but I think the conclusion we can draw from this is that Tim Gardner and Thomas Metzger, along with the other milquetoasts who came to the public hearing to complain, are a greater threat to home prices than the proposed new subdivision.

So readers, beware. And the next time you find yourself feeling down, just remember: Another day spent not worrying about proposed subdivisions in your neighborhood is another day spent being a better person than Tim Gardner and Thomas Metzger.

Sincerely,

Aunt Slugger