Bicyclists

Dear Aunt Slugger,

Hello. My name is Jeff, and I am a resident of Cambridge, Massachusetts. Now that summer is upon us, I have noticed that the bicyclists -

Say no more, Jeff. I already know what you're going to ask. You want to know whether or not you would be charged with manslaughter or murder if you just rolled your Subaru Outback right over one of those skinny jean-wearing fucknuts. Although I am not, technically, an attorney, and I do not, technically, have a juris doctorate, and I have not, technically, passed the Massachusetts bar exam, I did receive a B- in an undergraduate Constitutional law course and I usually keep Law & Order on in the background when TNT is running a marathon, so I do fancy myself something of an expert on the subject. The correct answer is neither, because a Subaru Outback won't get the job done and you'll just end up with a messenger bag stuck in your wheel well. It's not worth the effort.

Some of you are reading this with horror and shock and are saying to yourselves, "This column is offensive. I ride my bike all over town and you have just referred to all bicyclists as 'fucknuts' and implied that you would run me over if you had access to a steam roller." That's a typical bicyclist response. You read this column just like you go through intersections - without fucking looking. If you READ ON (i.e. STOP AT A FUCKING RED LIGHT), you will find some CLARIFYING STATEMENTS.

So your Aunt Slugger is not opposed to bicycling as a concept. In fact, your Aunt Slugger used to be quite the avid cyclist. Bicycling is an energy efficient, enjoyable, low-impact way to burn off last night's raw cookie dough binge. With proper gear (a helmet, rear and front lights, light or reflective clothing, and glitter tassles on the handlebars), bicycling can even be a good way to get to and from work (so long as your coworkers aren't slipping on the sweat that's dripping off your nose).

The problem, as your Aunt Slugger sees it, is that there appears to be general confusion among bicyclists; they appear to believe that they are neither pedestrians nor moving vehicles. So I will provide the authoritative clarifying declaration: YOU ARE VEHICLES. THIS MEANS YOU CANNOT RIDE THE WRONG WAY DOWN A NARROW ONE-WAY CAMBRIDGE STREET WHEN AN EMERGENCY VEHICLE IS TRYING TO GET BY. This also means that you cannot (for example) ride down the SIDEWALK next to a street where there is a DEDICATED BIKE LANE and then swerve to narrowly avoid hitting your Aunt Slugger as she steps out onto the sidewalk from her apartment building and then SWEAR AUDIBLY as though it was my fault for having the balls to exit my apartment building on foot.

Bicyclists should also be advised that they need to actually adhere to posted traffic signs. So if you are (for example) approaching an intersection with a stop sign and a pedestrian crosswalk that your Aunt Slugger is utilizing to cross the road safely, you ACTUALLY NEED TO COME TO A STOP. I realize that stop signs can be confusing, given their giant octagonal size, red coloring, and bold letters that read "STOP," but when in doubt, err on the side of caution and COME TO A STOP instead of plowing forth at 25 mph and forcing your Aunt Slugger to make a sideways dive out of your path.

A few other points:

1.) If you are wearing all black clothing and do not have a headlight and tail light on your bike in direct violation of Massachusetts state law and you are bicycling against a red light in Central Square at 11pm, you are not, in fact, entitled to make a rude gesture when I almost hit you.

2.) If you decide to bicycle across a major bridge during a snowstorm in February, you do not actually get to scream at a bus that is accidentally blocking the bike lane because the bike lane is not visible due to the fact that the road has not yet been plowed. YOU. ARE. BIKING. IN. A. SNOWSTORM.

3.) We know that you're fashion forward. We can't help but notice your skinny jeans, $87 witty t-shirt from Urban Outfitters, and sneakers without arch support. It's like looking at a train wreck; we want to look away, but we can't. Nevertheless, your thirst for ridiculous and impractical fashion DOES NOT ABSOLVE YOU OF YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO WEAR A HELMET. Given that you roll around town like an infant on roller skates, YOU ARE A CLINICAL IDIOT IF YOU DO NOT WEAR PROTECTIVE HEADGEAR. Of course, maybe you've weighed the risk; maybe you've said to yourself that you are not concerned about protecting your pea-size reptilian brain from injury. And that makes sense from your perspective, but I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE SPLATTERED ALL OVER THE TRADER JOE'S PARKING LOT. Even if YOU don't care about head injury, the REST OF US still have to be able to sleep at night without having nightmares about your headless, skinny-jean clad body.

Before you start drafting hate mail, let me just point out that I am aware that motorists aren't necessarily innocent here, especially the dark blue Dodge Caravan with license plate # W41 PT2 that cut me off in the Target parking lot yesterday. So I don't want to get a bunch of letters pissing and moaning about the time you you were locking up your bike at Whole Foods and got sideswiped by an SUV whose driver was reading a book, eating lunch, and waxing her eyebrows at the wheel, OK?

Jeff, I hope this answered your question, whatever your question was.

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger