Dear Aunt Slugger,
I am running for President of the United States, and I recently put together this really patriotic video in which I outlined the most important issues facing our country today: gay people and Christmas trees in public schools. You fix those two issues, and other, lesser issues like the economy, the unemployment rate, skyrocketing health insurance costs, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and our abysmal public school system will fix themselves.
So I write to you in the hopes of securing your endorsement in my presidential bid. Please let me know if you can be of assistance in this matter.
Sincerely,
Rick Perry
Sir,
Thank you for your letter. I was really impressed by your video; until I saw it, I couldn't think of an easy, fluid way to simultaneously complain about gay people who have put their lives on the line for you AND claim that Christians are systematically oppressed across the nation. Remarkably well done.
But if I may be frank, Adolf, I won't be able to offer you or your video the Coveted Aunt Slugger Seal of Approval (CASSA) because you are OUT OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MIND.
Honestly, I am sick and fucking tired of telling stories about my childhood, but it's ONCE AGAIN time to pull up the old rocking chair and gather 'round the fireplace in your footed pajamas to listen to your Aunt Slugger.
In my last column, I mentioned that I grew up celebrating Christmas, but I also mentioned that the Slugger family is not a religious family. I have never been to church. Contrary to popular opinion, this does NOT mean that we sacrifice animals in our spare time or smear blood on our faces during midnight rituals in which we communicate with warlocks. We are actually just a normal family.
However, not being religious was not common in my Midwestern hometown. It was so uncommon, in fact, that we had religious education in the public schools, in the form of "release time." This meant that you were released from school to go pursue religious education...which was parked in a trailer immediately next to school property. If you think this is a joke, you have obviously not been to the Midwest.
Your parents had to sign a consent form for you to go to religious education, and I was one of two students whose parents did not sign the consent form. So the two of us sat in the classroom, doing nothing, while everyone else went to the trailer.
As an adult, looking back on it, the idea of a bunch of kids being trapped in a cramped trailer with some proselytizing creep sounds worse than prison. But as a youth, I felt isolated, ostracized. My classmates routinely told me I was going to hell and that I was a bad person for not believing in Jesus Christ. Some adults (insane adults, but adults nevertheless) said it, too.
(Note: Before I receive 6,887 emails from people trying to convert me: It won't work. Your emails will make me want to convert even less. So stop it before you start it.)
My point here is that even when the school is TECHNICALLY separating church and state ("release time" is legal), kids in the minority religion (or, in my case, the minority non-religion) still feel like shit. THIS IS WHY WE HAVE A SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE. THIS IS WHY YOUR KID CAN'T SING "O HOLY NIGHT" IN A PUBLIC SCHOOL CONCERT. Your kid CAN pray on his or her own time at school. He or she CAN wear a cross to school. He or she CAN wear a "WWJD" bracelet. It's when the school tries to force ALL STUDENTS to do something that is specific to ONE FAITH that we have a HUGE MOTHERFUCKING PROBLEM.
Do you understand what I'm saying, Rick Perry? No one is telling your kid he or she can't celebrate Christmas. We're telling the SCHOOLS that they can't force all students to celebrate Christmas. Because (newsflash) NOT. EVERYONE. IS. LIKE. YOU. People celebrate different shit.
Granted, I'm sure part of the problem is that you hate people who celebrate different shit. Which is fine, because we hate your bigoted ass, too.
Not at all sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
