A Professional Baseball Player Uses Steroids, Humans Breathe Oxygen, and Other Well-Known Facts

Your Aunt Slugger browses several news outlets each day. In no specific order, these news outlets are

The Boston Globe
NPR.com
CNN.com
The Wall Street Journal
That Foreign Salmon-Colored Newspaper
The Fort Wayne Journal Gazette
The New York Times

Each of these news outlets offers something different. But one thing they all have in common: sports. You can't get through a single one of these news outlets without somehow encountering sports. Your Aunt Slugger hates nearly all sports. The only sports I enjoy are racquet sports that take place in an enclosed court because you don't have to run as far to find the ball, and your chances of sustaining an eye injury are far greater, which would mean ending the game early to go have appetizers. I also enjoy a good game of H.O.R.S.E. (South Side High School Sixth Period Women's H.O.R.S.E. champion '95 right here), because that's a sport that can be played, if not not improved, with alcohol.

Anyway, I realize that other people like sports, so I am not begrudging these news outlets for reflecting the interests of the masses. So I will instead complain about the masses.

Over the past few days I have been carefully avoiding clicking on any stories with the words "Alex," "A-Rod," "Rodriguez," and "Yankees" in the headlines because they clearly do not pertain to me. Instead I have been clicking on EVERYTHING ELSE. I've been trying to drum up interest in absolutely anything besides baseball. Anything at all. But then yesterday I saw this headline:

"Alex Rodriguez Says, 'I am Fighting for My Life.'" 

And I thought to myself, "Oh my god, is he dying?" and I was suddenly consumed with sympathy for this man, who I assumed was suffering from a terrible disease or being unlawfully detained by the North Koreans.

Oh whoops! Sorry! No! My fault! He's been accused of using steroids and has been suspended for the rest of the season.

I don't wish to point fingers here, but which of you fuckers out there is sustaining the interest in steroid use among professional athletes? This, to me, is like reading a headline that says, "Grocery Store Sells Food" and "Pigeon Enjoying Discarded Croissant in Penn Station" and being interested. I should think the real news story is when a professional athlete is NOT accused of using steroids.

But perhaps it's time for me to accept that maybe I am just a statistical outlier when it comes to my interest in these matters, since I am sure a lot of people would say that this is not news. Although they would be wrong.