CNN Wastes Valuable Internet Space

First, I would like to thank my fans for the outpouring of congratulations I received on the announcement of my engagement. I would provide an update on the ring shopping, but doing so is based on the assumption that anyone cares, which people undoubtedly do not. So the update on the ring shopping is that there is no update, because you people have better shit to do with your time.

So we are back to our regularly scheduled Aunt Slugger programming. Today, your Aunt Slugger came across this article by a woman who feels as though she has been ostracized for her decision not to have children. In this article, she goes on to compare herself to gays and lesbians who wish to have children but cannot, and she makes many claims about the hate-filled remarks she has received over the years. She writes,

"The pressure is particularly intense living in Fayetteville, North Carolina, where my husband is stationed in the military. I've had women tell me that I was a horrible person, a horrible wife and a horrible American because it was my 'duty' to reproduce. I was shocked to hear such a statement in 2013."

Let me start this off by saying that your Aunt Slugger does not have kids, unless you count her cat or older brother who has a doctorate but cannot operate a stove. Your Aunt Slugger does periodically receive questions about whether she will have kids, and in fact, now that I am engaged to be married, I have received this question roughly seventeen times per every 24-hour period. It is an annoying question, mostly because it is very, very hard for your Aunt Slugger not to answer this question by saying, "I would love to have kids, provided they do not end up like yours."

But let's get back to our CNN contributor, who apparently believes she is a member of an oppressed minority group. So it is time for your Aunt Slugger to issue a

CRITICAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

Stop pretending to be victimized in national op-ed articles. You're acting as though you just published The Satanic Verses. And also, stop hanging out with assholes. If people are telling you that you're a horrible person for not wanting kids, you are hanging out with the wrong people. Go find some new friends. For the love of god, you said it yourself: It's 2013. You don't have to hang out with people who are dicks. De-friend them on Facebook, buy a new bumper sticker, and make some new friends. Your Aunt Slugger has friends across the spectrum: with kids, without kids, without kids but wanting kids, and with kids but looking for a good sleepaway camp so that they can get some goddamn rest. And none of them have ever called your Aunt Slugger names.

So please cut this shit out and find something of more importance to write about.

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
Childless Advice Columnist Who Does Not Give a Fuck What You Think of Her Childless Situation