Teachers' Unions

Dear Aunt Slugger, 

I am sick and tired of the Chicago Teachers Union strike. The only thing teachers' unions are good for is protecting bad teachers, and I am appalled by the number of bad teachers in our public schools. It is a real tragedy. 

Sincerely,
Ernest in Skokie

Dear Ernest, 

You know what I am sick and tired of, Ernest? You, Ernest. I'm sick and tired of you. Let me ask you this, Ernest: What do you do for a living? Do you have coworkers, Ernest? If so, I want you to sit back and think about your coworkers. Are any of them idiots? No? If you can't figure out who the idiots are at your workplace, you are guaranteed to be the idiot. People probably groan when they get emails from you. Your bosses probably have conference calls about how to pawn you off on another department. The people who interviewed you have probably been denied promotions for their bad judgment. You are also almost certainly really, really annoying as well. 

I say all of this, Ernest, to illustrate a point. I am always confused--almost as confused as you, Ernest, become when people use large words in emails--when people complain bitterly about teachers' unions. "They protect bad teachers," people say.

You can debate the merits of this point, which I will not do here. What I am so confused about is why people act as though no other industry is afflicted by sub-par employees. People act as though teachers should be exempt from having appalling work habits.

I know what you're thinking. "My industry doesn't have this problem. We are very professional. We only hire the best people." If you really think that, you're probably the most annoying person in your company, and people are probably plotting to get rid of you as you read this.

Your Aunt Slugger has worked in a few different industries over the years: I have worked for the government, in higher education, in public accounting, and in finance. In only one of these roles was I represented by a union. And every single one of these industries has been CRAWLING with morons. Morons of every variety: socially inept people, people with advanced degrees who are functionally illiterate, people who look at images of naked people on their computers and become confused when their coworkers complain, people who microwave fish in the office kitchen, people who leave passive-aggressive notes on office equipment, people who try to hit on every employee of the opposite sex in the entire office, and people who bristle when asked to do actual work. 

Very rarely are these people ever fired. They are allowed to carry on, annoying their coworkers, for years or even decades. This is usually because no one wants to deal with it, or knows how to deal with it, or even can legally deal with it. How do you fire someone for being dumber than a can of Beanee Weenies? It's harder than you think.

My point here is that teachers' unions do not protect bad teachers. The preponderance of idiots in society as a whole protects bad teachers, as well as bad accountants, bad sales clerks, bad equity traders, bad scuba divers. It is the nature of any workplace that there will be people who are so unbelievably stupid that you wonder if you have died and gone to hell. The fact that bad teachers are educating our youth somehow worries you more than the fact that Fortune 500 companies are largely audited by youth in their mid-twenties who are only vaguely aware that Canada is its own country.

So stop with the double-standard. You know there are intellectually void creeps in your workplace. YOU KNOW IT. But you're critical of another industry for having the same problem? Fools are ubiquitous. Once you learn that lesson, life will become much easier for you. Possibly slightly more depressing, but much easier. 

Sincerely, 
Aunt Slugger

On Voting

Dear Aunt Slugger, 

I am sick and tired of the 2012 presidential election. Both sides are wasting my time. I was thinking about voting for one side, but that's like voting for the lesser of two evils, and I won't stoop to that level. So I am not going to vote AT ALL to show my-


To show your what? Your delightful post-modern individualism? Look, chief, I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that you fancy yourself something of a scholar on the plight of the nation. You view yourself as a bulwark of reason and logic amidst the frenzied partisan politics that has taken over the nation. So you--the astute intellectual--have risen above it all, pondered the situation, and realized that neither candidate is worthy of your vote.

Congratulations--you have finally realized what the rest of us figured out the first time we voted in a student council election. You have finally caught up.

Anyone who has ever paid attention during an election, or even just listened to fifteen seconds of a candidate speech during a campaign, knows that the candidates are NEVER worth voting for. They are ALWAYS pandering to someone and they are FOREVER blowing smoke up your ass. This is because the type of people who run for federal office are almost always the same people who campaigned for your college's student governing body by promising to overhaul [insert something completely out of their reach: the tenure system for professors, the interstate running behind the campus, the punishment for running a brothel out of a dorm room]. A two hour dinner with your average federal candidate will have you dipping your body into a vat of bleach to try to get the slime off.

That being said, I don't see you out there running for office. And you certainly know that your Aunt Slugger isn't going to run on a platform of telling everyone to go fuck themselves. So I always just get out there and I vote, as odious as the task sometimes is. I, personally, always vote for the "lesser of the two evils" (one of the two candidates who actually has a chance of winning). But if you want to vote for the candidate of one of those weirdo parties that always offers up some wild-eyed screaming lunatic, you should vote for that candidate. Or you should start a write-in campaign to elect your hamster. But you should fucking DO IT and STOP PISSING ABOUT THE CANDIDATES LIKE YOU ARE THE FIRST PERSON TO NOTICE THAT THEY ALL SUCK. Because this is not news. So if you're not going to actually run for office, and you're not going to vote, your apathy is even more repulsive than the candidates themselves - which I didn't think was possible.

Aunt Slugger