To the Representatives and Senators of the United States Congress:
I am relieved that we have freedom of speech in this country because if we didn't, I would've been hauled in front of the firing squad a long time ago, and because I really need to get this off my chest right now:
You fuckers are a disgrace.
Now, before you get upset, let me just say that I do have a great deal of appreciation for you people. The world would be a tragic and depressing place without the brand of humor that you have provided us for hundreds of years. I mean, the Larry Craig thing happened in 2007, and I am still getting mileage out of it. So I really do cherish your existence.
In fact, it's a little weird that I feel compelled to write to you now, at this point, given that I have become so accustomed to the comedy of errors that occurs in the Capitol each day. And just last weekend I was at a Whole Foods in Cambridge, Massachusetts, so I honestly thought I had seen the depths of human depravity.
But here we are. Somehow, against all odds, you motherfuckers still manage to shock me.
So I am going to provide you with some key points to bear in mind as you continue to fuck around with the budget.
First, stop acting like fucking babies. I realize this is asking a lot, but make the effort.
Second, stop trying to toss unrelated shit into the budget proposals. If you want to make it illegal to eat olive loaf on Wednesdays, THEN BRING IT UP LATER. Write another proposal. Stop trying to sneak it in there with the budget because it's NOT RELATED.
And third, start thinking about someone other than yourselves. Again, I realize this is asking a lot. But perhaps give some thought to the fact that if you can't get your shit together, there are people--real people, not crackpot narcissists like yourselves--who will experience real and painful suffering. People who need their paychecks. People who have devoted themselves to public service or the defense of our nation (which, tragically, includes you). Have some fucking respect for those people.
If you have any questions, I honestly don't give a shit.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
