Dear Aunt Slugger,
I was hoping to receive your comments on this situation. What would you say if you found out that a 32-year-old man is going on vacation to DisneyWorld with his parents and an occasional girlfriend? FYI, the parents are funding the entire vacation.
Regards,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
This poor man. How very sad. You didn't mention it in your letter, but I can only assume that he has lost his job and is dying of some kind of awful, debilitating terminal illness, because that is the only reason I can think of that a grown man would let his parents pay for him and his pseudo-girlfriend to go to DisneyWorld. It's such a tragedy to see a young man leave this mortal coil so early, before he's had a chance to really -
Dear Aunt Slugger,
Please allow me to clarify. He is not dying of a terminal illness, nor has he lost his job. He actually earns an excellent salary and is in good health.
Regards again,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Well, OK, fuck him then.
Folks, as an advice columnist, I am ethically bound to issue the following public service announcement:
If you are a grown adult, and your parents offer to take you and your on-again, off-again girlfriend/boyfriend to DisneyWorld, the polite (and correct) response is as follows:
"Thanks, Mom and Dad. I would enjoy nothing more than to ride Big Thunder Mountain with you and this woman/man that I've been casually sleeping with for the past couple of weeks. That being said, since I am 32 years of age, and since I have a job, and since I am not a big fucking tool, I will pay for my own flight, hotel, tickets, and fried dough."
Your Aunt Slugger is not opposed to DisneyWorld. I'm not even opposed to adults going to DisneyWorld with their parents. I've been to DisneyWorld as an adult, and I will freely admit that I can't get enough of that shit and am always the first person to jump in line to meet Goofy or get Donald Duck's autograph. The takeaway here is not that DisneyWorld is inherently bad, but that letting your senior citizen parents pay for you and the person you just met in a bathroom stall at a truck stop to go to DisneyWorld makes you the world's biggest asshole.
Now, granted, part of the problem is that the type of parents who would fund such a trip are also the type of parents who would produce the type of deadbeat loser that would accept such an offer, so it's definitely a chicken/egg conundrum. Who's at fault more? The kid for accepting the generosity, or the parents for not using a condom back in 1978?
I will leave you to ponder that philosophical question.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
Answering life's deepest questions
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
The Gym
Dear Aunt Slugger,
I've recently become concerned about my cardiovascular health and have decided to join a gym. Do you have any good exercise tips for me?
Sincerely,
Trying Not To Die At Age 41
Dear TNTDAA41,
Actually, no. I don't. I stopped paying attention to wellness advice after I was forced to square dance in the seventh grade. If you take nothing else away from my advice columns, at least remember this: Never, under any circumstances, should you ever take fitness tips from a middle-aged junior high school gym teacher wearing a red and white checkered scarf. Those are words to live by.
That being said, I can offer you a number of tips for surviving in a gym environment. I have been to a number of different gyms over the years (none of which, you will note, have square dancing machines), and there are a few things you should know before you go stroke out on the treadmill.
First--and this is very important--unless your gym is located inside the locker room of a professional football team, you are not the most athletically disinclined person there. You just aren't. You will think you are, but you are not. Your average gym goer likes to appear as though he or she is a walking, talking Michelangelo fresco, so you will see these people wearing top-of-the-line gear, grunting on the weight machines, and drinking protein shakes while sprinting at top speed on the treadmill. You will also note that these same people rarely survive more than five minutes at any given exercise. This is sometimes referred to as "circuit training," or, as advice columnists know it, "weakness." So do not be intimidated.
Second, your gym will usually offer personal trainers. Unless you have very specific fitness needs, such as wanting your left thigh to look like a turkey drumstick, you don't need a personal trainer. These people get paid by the hour to convey the following message: "Burn calories." Since I am an advice columnist, and thereby already independently wealthy, I will offer the same message here, free of charge: "Burn calories." You may print out this column and keep it with you when you go to the gym to remind yourself of that message, in case you somehow forget why you've decided to surround yourself with sweaty assholes in unforgiving moisture-wicking shorts.
Third, you should not worry about your appearance at the gym. Wear the following outfit: t-shirt, shorts, socks, sneakers, and deodorant. (PLEASE wear deodorant, especially you, dude in yellow shirt who uses the rowing machine every morning from 6-6:30). For you women, if you consider putting on makeup before you go the gym, you should also consider checking yourself into a mental facility. For you men, if you consider not wearing a shirt, ask yourself the following question: "Am I a model?" If the answer is no, you can't go without the shirt. If the answer is yes, you still can't go without the shirt, given that the modern male model looks as though he's been eating nothing but cocaine and Tic-Tacs for the past two years.
Finally, you will find that people will spend a great deal of time trying to see how far you've gone on the treadmill, or how many flights of stairs you've climbed on the stair machine, or how many gallons of sweat you have produced. Disregard these people. They are the same people who keep meticulous notes about how long you took for lunch at work last Friday and how many times they saw you check the online weather forecast. They are also sociopaths who keep body parts in their pantries, so pay them no heed (except as required to avoid being alone with them near an electric carving knife).
Well, TNTDAA41, I hope this helps. Good luck at your new gym, and remember: If you eat properly, exercise regularly, get 8 hours sleep a night, and drink 10 cups of water a day, you will still die.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
I've recently become concerned about my cardiovascular health and have decided to join a gym. Do you have any good exercise tips for me?
Sincerely,
Trying Not To Die At Age 41
Dear TNTDAA41,
Actually, no. I don't. I stopped paying attention to wellness advice after I was forced to square dance in the seventh grade. If you take nothing else away from my advice columns, at least remember this: Never, under any circumstances, should you ever take fitness tips from a middle-aged junior high school gym teacher wearing a red and white checkered scarf. Those are words to live by.
That being said, I can offer you a number of tips for surviving in a gym environment. I have been to a number of different gyms over the years (none of which, you will note, have square dancing machines), and there are a few things you should know before you go stroke out on the treadmill.
First--and this is very important--unless your gym is located inside the locker room of a professional football team, you are not the most athletically disinclined person there. You just aren't. You will think you are, but you are not. Your average gym goer likes to appear as though he or she is a walking, talking Michelangelo fresco, so you will see these people wearing top-of-the-line gear, grunting on the weight machines, and drinking protein shakes while sprinting at top speed on the treadmill. You will also note that these same people rarely survive more than five minutes at any given exercise. This is sometimes referred to as "circuit training," or, as advice columnists know it, "weakness." So do not be intimidated.
Second, your gym will usually offer personal trainers. Unless you have very specific fitness needs, such as wanting your left thigh to look like a turkey drumstick, you don't need a personal trainer. These people get paid by the hour to convey the following message: "Burn calories." Since I am an advice columnist, and thereby already independently wealthy, I will offer the same message here, free of charge: "Burn calories." You may print out this column and keep it with you when you go to the gym to remind yourself of that message, in case you somehow forget why you've decided to surround yourself with sweaty assholes in unforgiving moisture-wicking shorts.
Third, you should not worry about your appearance at the gym. Wear the following outfit: t-shirt, shorts, socks, sneakers, and deodorant. (PLEASE wear deodorant, especially you, dude in yellow shirt who uses the rowing machine every morning from 6-6:30). For you women, if you consider putting on makeup before you go the gym, you should also consider checking yourself into a mental facility. For you men, if you consider not wearing a shirt, ask yourself the following question: "Am I a model?" If the answer is no, you can't go without the shirt. If the answer is yes, you still can't go without the shirt, given that the modern male model looks as though he's been eating nothing but cocaine and Tic-Tacs for the past two years.
Finally, you will find that people will spend a great deal of time trying to see how far you've gone on the treadmill, or how many flights of stairs you've climbed on the stair machine, or how many gallons of sweat you have produced. Disregard these people. They are the same people who keep meticulous notes about how long you took for lunch at work last Friday and how many times they saw you check the online weather forecast. They are also sociopaths who keep body parts in their pantries, so pay them no heed (except as required to avoid being alone with them near an electric carving knife).
Well, TNTDAA41, I hope this helps. Good luck at your new gym, and remember: If you eat properly, exercise regularly, get 8 hours sleep a night, and drink 10 cups of water a day, you will still die.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
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