Halloween Crafting With Your Aunt Slugger

Your Aunt Slugger decided today that she would stop into a local craft store to pick up some supplies to make a Halloween decoration for her front door. I have had a Valentine's wreath hanging on the door since January, and figured today was a good day for a change. I think it went well, and I have decided to share my step-by-step process with you, my loyal readers.

First, you will need your supplies. Your Aunt Slugger bought the following items at her local hobby shop: Ribbon, and a glitter spider attached to a web. 

Second, you will need a pair of scissors that cuts unique shapes out of paper. 

Third, you will need a regular pair of scissors when you realize that your pair of shape-cutting scissors is a piece of shit and does not cut ribbon. Your regular pair of scissors will also not cut ribbon, but it gets the job done with some elbow grease and jagged edges. 

You will also need an assistant. 

Your assistant will be responsible for quality control. 

After you have cut your ribbon, you will need an absolutely useless Martha Stewart bow tutorial. Follow these instructions carefully. You will eventually get a nice, symmetrical bow, like this one: 

Now clip your spider on and you've got your door decoration! Fucking professional! 

Ask your assistant for help hanging that sucker right out there for the public to see. And you're done!