Vaccinating Your Kids

Dear Aunt Slugger,

I am the father of a one-year-old baby. I am trying to decide whether to vaccinate him and I was wondering what your thoughts are, as a professional advice columnist with no medical training?

Sincerely,
Norman W. Carpenter, Fond du Lac, Wisconsin

Hi Norman,

It turns out that you have come to the right place, because despite my lack of formal medical training, I am literate, which is actually the only skill you need in determining whether to vaccinate your kids. I also, as it turns out, probably have a few screws loose because there is nothing I enjoy more than a good non-fiction book about diseases. I wish I were joking, but I am not. A quick look at my Amazon.com wish list and you find yourself asking if I'm cooking up biological weapons in my kitchen or if I just like to read about bleeding from the eyes.

Over the years, I have read books about smallpox, ebola, polio, rabies, and prion diseases, among other various horrifying and tragic conditions. I distinctly remember reading the ebola book on the elliptical at the gym and looking down at the handles and thinking maybe I should just hit those with some Clorox nine more times. And the rabies book had me side-eying my indoor cat.

One of the many takeaways from most of these books is that many viruses that once haunted humanity are no longer a threat to us because of vaccines. For those of you who do not recall any smallpox outbreaks (and if you live in a developed nation, you do not), smallpox is NOT. A. DAMN. JOKE. It had a ridiculously high fatality rate and was horrifically painful. Finding a vaccine for it and eradicating it is one of the great medical triumphs in human history. 

And then you've got polio. If you are nostalgic for simpler times, like the 1940s, then don't vaccinate against polio and see how you like living out your days in an iron lung. Or measles. If you love blind children, then by all means, don't vaccinate against measles.

The reasons people cite for not vaccinating are stupid. Yes, I said it: Stupid. This (and the fact that I never went to medical school) is why I am not a doctor. Because as a doctor, you can't really tell your patients that they're dumb as shit for not vaccinating. Your Aunt Slugger's bedside manner would be atrocious and the only patients I would be able to treat would have to be in a coma.

People, for the love of Christ, vaccinate your children. And you don't have to trust me, your advice columnist-turned-armchair unlicensed physician. Listen to the Mayo Clinic. Listen to the World Health Organization. Listen to the American Academy of Pediatrics. Do not listen to the anti-vaccine whackjobs who were thoroughly and effectively ridiculed in this episode of Penn & Teller.

Also, to the upper middle class white people that this article had to call out: CUT IT OUT. Or look at a picture of someone with hemorrhagic smallpox and tell me you're glad he or she didn't vaccinate. He might be dead, but at least he doesn't have extra mercury in his system!

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger

Critical Public Service Announcement RE: Obamacare

Dear Aunt Slugger,

I am wondering if you can help me. I was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, but I am unable to afford my medication, so I can't keep my job -

Let me stop you right there, Shakes. You can't afford your medication? Are you kidding me? Look, buddy, I don't have all day to listen to your sob stories about not being able to climb stairs without tripping or needing someone to cut your food for you. This is AMERICA. You KNEW there was a chance you could get Parkinson's because your great Aunt Nancy had shaky hands, and yet what did you do? You went ahead and you got a job that doesn't pay well. Whose fault is that? You gotta PLAN AHEAD. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and PLAN FOR -

Oh whoops! Sorry! I thought I was a selfish dick Republican Congressperson for a hot minute there!

Once again, here at Aunt Slugger HQ, we find ourselves issuing another

CRITICAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

because people need to be told about themselves.

Your Aunt Slugger has been hearing a lot of whining about Obamacare these days, and I'm going to say it: If you do not believe that everyone deserves access to quality medical care, you CANNOT CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN. Are we perfectly clear on this? YOU ARE NOT A CHRISTIAN; YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. These are mutually exclusive concepts but people seem to think they are able to simultaneously call themselves Christians and maintain Epic Asshole Status (EAS) by making claims like, "Hospitals have to treat you" (they do not) and "Why should I pay for someone else's cirrhosis of the liver?" (Because we are not Neanderthals.)

Providing quality medical care to all people, regardless of their income or immigration status or race or bad decisions, is what developed nations do. We are not some backwoods, third-world toilet. And quite frankly, Obamacare is not even a real universal health care system. In a real universal system, you'd be insured by the government and you'd actually pay a real tax rate on your capital gains to fund this system. Relying on charitable organizations to provide healthcare to the poor and uninsured is like relying on your drunk uncle. Sometimes he's the life of the party, but sometimes he's passed out in front of the liquor store at 10am. (If you did not get that metaphor, I am referring to the 2008 economic meltdown, where charitable organizations suddenly found themselves groveling for cash and could not provide many of the services they wanted to provide.) (If you still do not understand this metaphor, you are probably opposed to Obamacare.)

I realize this is a controversial subject, but only because the people on the other side of this debate are selfish jerks. I stand by that statement. Paying an appropriate amount in taxes to ensure that your neighbor with a compromised immune system doesn't die from a hangnail is the right thing to do. People should not live in fear of tripping on a Barbie doll in the living room and ending up in the hospital.

(Though if I were opposed to Obamacare, I would probably say, "WELL HOW CAN YOU AFFORD A BARBIE DOLL BUT NOT HEALTH INSURANCE?" because that's obviously the next logical question.)

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger

Catalog, Bill, Catalog, Catalog, Postcard, Catalog, Nazi Memorabilia, Catalog - Wait. What?

A little while ago, your Aunt Slugger discussed the fact that she receives a great deal of junk mail due to the fact that she purchased a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur coin last year. The vast majority of this junk mail is comprised of advertisements for places that sell extremely weird but otherwise benign shit. Oddly enough, the coin people rarely send me junk mail and instead focus their energies on calling me, apparently on the grounds that one $35 glow-in-the-dark dinosaur coin makes me a whale in the coin collecting community.

So I was actually somewhat surprised when I opened my mailbox to discover that not only do I need a Budweiser Majestic Clydesdale Sculpture With Leather Bridle RIGHT NOW, but also that the coin people had sent me a full color glossy catalog. And I won't lie when I say the offer of the free mystery gift caught my eye.

So I start looking through this catalog, and I will admit that the blue whale titanium coin did pique my interest. And then the mystery gift on top of that? I mean - we're talking about an investment, really.

And then I turned a few pages to find this:

First - of course it was found in Texas.

And second, don't you think, if you were in the coin business, that maybe you would make your Nazi Currency Department a little less public? Like maybe you wouldn't include that set in your full color glossy catalog? Maybe you'd limit the ability to find this set on your website, perhaps by only having it pop up when people type "I heart Hitler" in the search bar? I really couldn't believe that the coin people were trying to sell me their extra-fine German Reichsmarks. I am not surprised that people collect them, because there are enough crazy people out there to make this a plausible reality. But I was surprised that the coin people were so brazen about it.

So I decided to google this phenomenon, and found myself plumbing the depths of the internet. It turns out that a lot of people collect Nazi coins and see nothing wrong with it. I think this is weird and will not hesitate to judge these people. You've also got your armchair philosophers who say things like, "Do not ponder the path that the metal content has taken since being plucked from the earth. It is not the metals fault." Or my personal favorite, "I was intrigued when I discovered that the Boy Scouts of America used the swastika symbol on many of their tokens and badges in the early 1900's. Back then it was a good luck symbol before the Nazi party adopted the same."

That makes perfect sense right there. Airtight logic. "The swastika on those WWII-era Reichsmarks with von Hindenburg's face all over them is really just a good luck symbol! You shouldn't associate it with the mass murder of millions of people! I mean, why would you? It's just a good luck symbol!"

New York Mint: Stop trying to sell me your wares, and fuck you. You lure me in with blue whales and promises of mystery gifts and then BOOM! Holocaust! A must-have for anyone who loves glow-in-the-dark dinosaur coins!

Somehow, New York Mint, you are even creepier than the Bradford Exchange.

Halloween Crafting With Your Aunt Slugger

Your Aunt Slugger decided today that she would stop into a local craft store to pick up some supplies to make a Halloween decoration for her front door. I have had a Valentine's wreath hanging on the door since January, and figured today was a good day for a change. I think it went well, and I have decided to share my step-by-step process with you, my loyal readers.

First, you will need your supplies. Your Aunt Slugger bought the following items at her local hobby shop: Ribbon, and a glitter spider attached to a web. 

Second, you will need a pair of scissors that cuts unique shapes out of paper. 

Third, you will need a regular pair of scissors when you realize that your pair of shape-cutting scissors is a piece of shit and does not cut ribbon. Your regular pair of scissors will also not cut ribbon, but it gets the job done with some elbow grease and jagged edges. 

You will also need an assistant. 

Your assistant will be responsible for quality control. 

After you have cut your ribbon, you will need an absolutely useless Martha Stewart bow tutorial. Follow these instructions carefully. You will eventually get a nice, symmetrical bow, like this one: 

Now clip your spider on and you've got your door decoration! Fucking professional! 

Ask your assistant for help hanging that sucker right out there for the public to see. And you're done!