Aunt Slugger is Job Hunting

Readers:

Let it now be known that your Aunt Slugger is officially putting her resume out there. I am job searching. I have a very specific job in mind, though: I would like to be a public relations specialist.

I should clarify a little: I would like to be a straightforward public relations specialist. For a company that knows what its position is and just doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks about that position. I think I would excel in this role.

Today I read this article about how the makers of the Oreo sandwich cookie posted a picture of an Oreo with rainbow filling in support of the LGBT community. I actually hate this photo because they are not actually producing this Oreo sandwich cookie. It is a feat of graphic design, sort of like the highly misleading graphic of the new Creamsicle Oreo. The actual Creamsicle Oreo is much less impressive in person, but at least you can buy and consume a Creamsicle Oreo, which is more than we can say for the rainbow Oreo. Fucking letdown of the century.

Anyway, as you would expect (and as mentioned in the article), the rainbow Oreo brought all kinds of homophobic freaks out of the woodwork. I really don't know why this surprises anyone any more. Society has always had these fuckers, and they are fucking insane - sitting around, drafting 20-page treatises on the perils of [insert something: alcohol, socialism, Communism, black people, gay people] when the real peril is the fact that the authors of these treatises are maintaining a storage unit filled with eyeballs and livers and shit. Because the truth is, you can't be that much of a zealot about such a non-issue and not be a closet serial killer. It's not possible.

So the Oreo people responded as follows:

"We are excited to illustrate what is making history today in a fun and playful way."

And

“As a company, Kraft Foods has a proud history of celebrating diversity and inclusiveness.  We feel the OREO ad is a fun reflection of our values.”

What the fuck is that response? Put some muscle into it, dammit. This is why your Aunt Slugger wants to be a spokesperson for a company, so that I can respond to angry Facebook rants about pride Oreos. If Aunt Slugger had been in charge of Oreo PR, and if ABC news had asked Aunt Slugger to comment on the backlash against the rainbow Oreo, I would've said what everyone is thinking:

"Are these people fucking serious? You know why we did this? Because we fucking could. Because we make a tasty-ass sandwich cookie that I fucking DARE YOU to try to boycott. Guess you can't have cookies-n-cream when you go to Baskin Robbins now, can you? And you just cut your McFlurry options by like 33%. And just TRY explaining to your next covert Craigslist casual encounter why you can't binge on Oreos despite just smoking half a bowl of marijuana out of his ear. TRY TO HATE OUR DELICIOUS RAINBOW OREO, YOU CRUSTY OLD SCAB."

I am hoping there is a company out there who will find a use for such an approach. I have no experience or education in the field, and my work history is in finance and advice column-writing. Please email me at auntslugger@gmail.com if you are interested.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Dear Aunt Slugger,

So what did you do this morning while you were getting your oil changed for the first time in six thousand miles/one year?

Sincerely,

Norm in Grand Forks

Dear Norm,

Well, your Aunt Slugger is slogging through the last chapters of a book called "The Beautiful Cigar Girl," which is about Edgar Allan Poe's attempt to solve a real-life murder using a fictional story. Your Aunt Slugger has a tendency to read ABOUT authors without suffering the indignity of reading their actual work. I like reading about authors because they are usually sloppy messes. (This is why I also like reading about investment professionals, religious zealots, and Ayn Rand fans.)

I did read the occasional Poe poem or short story in high school, but I've never been a literature buff, especially when it comes to poetry. I honestly cannot discern between the tragic ramblings of a semi-literate teenage girl who can't find a prom dress and anything ever written by Sylvia Plath. But I do like history, particularly the history of weird people, so I am moderately well-read for someone who hates poetry and enjoys eating bar cheez out of the tub.

Anyway, so I had some time to kill during my 1.5 hour oil change, and I came across a reference to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in my book. Since I know nothing about him (and certainly have no intention of learning about him by reading his poetry), I decided to see if Amazon had any biographies of him. I came across this one.

The book itself is fairly non-descript and exactly the sort of bullshit that your Aunt Slugger would read, save for the fact that Longfellow may be the exception to the writers-as-walking-insane-asylums rule. What I like most about this book is not the book itself but one of the Amazon.com reviews of the book, from "Rob Jacques, Technical Writer:"

"Of course you know Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was once literarily important and famous. Of course you've read 'Paul Revere's Ride,' 'The Wreck of the Hesperus,' 'The Children's Hour,' and 'A Psalm of Life.' And one of your favorite Christmas carols has always been 'Christmas Bells.'"

I, for one, am personally relieved that we have Rob Jacques, Technical Writer, to remind us what we have and have not read and which Christmas carols we do and do not enjoy. And there is no better place to jog our memory about these matters than in an Amazon.com review. 

I am truly hopeful that he offers a class on writing pretentious multi-paragraph product reviews.

And then I look forward to reading a biography about him. 

Sincerely, 

Aunt Slugger