Securing Yourself a Man

I must say that the timing of my engagement was very serendipitous, since I snagged a man just before this helpful op-ed piece on foxnews.com created a run on husbands. In this op-ed piece, women are scolded for their efforts to be financially independent from men and encouraged to go find a man to support them, while being reminded that it will be difficult to find a supportive man because a generation of financially independent women have offended men.

Your Aunt Slugger loves columns like these. There is nothing I enjoy more than a white columnist waxing nostalgic about the "good ol' days" when women stayed at home, men were the breadwinners, and black people were lynched for using the wrong restroom. Those were the days, weren't they?! Things were great back then.*

Now, your Aunt Slugger is not here to judge straight couples where each gender takes on a traditional role. My own mother, for example, was a stay-at-home mother for much of my childhood, begrudgingly taking on some of the most awful tasks imaginable, like being a Brownie troop leader, presiding over the PTA, and helping me haul a giant barrel of overgrown impatiens to the county plant fair. Being a parent is like being a sewage diver without the pay or mandatory hepatitis vaccinations. It is a necessary, disgusting, and important job, but people do not have enough respect for this role.

But I digress. Our Fox News opinion writer cites a whole bunch of studies indicating that women value work-life balance and comes to the natural conclusion that the only way to achieve this is to find yourself a husband who will take care of you. After all, ladies, "you can't take your paycheck to bed with you."**

Obviously this solution makes sense. The fact that women cannot easily achieve work-life balance is NOT because of things like incredibly inadequate maternity leave, the wage gap between men and women, or a lack of quality state-sponsored programs for parents. No, you idiot women, it's because you aren't married to a man. But not just any man, ladies! You need a man who can support you if you leave your job or reduce your hours, which means you should NOT look for male social workers or male teachers (these men are probably not real men anyway, since they have eschewed money and glamour for women's work).

And of course, if you cannot find a man, "ask yourself why, and I bet you know the answer," says our delightfully offensive Fox News op-ed writer. It's because you are a repulsive trollop, with your own bank account and your career and what we can only conclude are loose moral standards.

So ladies, let's do ourselves a favor and set the women's movement back about a hundred years. I for one am going to change the focus of this column to be exclusively about housekeeping and matrimony, with upcoming topics like, "Can you recommend an alternative to PineSol?"*** and "How do you properly iron a man's dress shirt?"****

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger

*False.
**$10 to the first person who knows what that quote means.
***Who the fuck even knows what PineSol does?
****You don't.

Miley Cyrus

Dear Aunt Slugger,

I am wondering if you have any tips for Miley Cyrus. I find her recent behavior completely unacceptable and am shocked by her recent stunts, including smoking a joint at the Europe MTV Awards. Can you offer her some fashion and career advice?

Sincerely,
Florence W. Knudsen, St. Cloud, MN

Dear Florence,

Here at Aunt Slugger HQ, we have a policy of only providing advice to people who write in or to people or organizations who are in desperate need of good, albeit unsolicited, advice. These people include (but are not limited to) religious zealots, the United States Congress, people who record their workouts on Facebook, and anyone who talks about McDonald's the same way you'd talk about the Al Qaeda terrorist network.

And honestly, your Aunt Slugger has no advice for Miley Cyrus. I am not saying I like Miley Cyrus, and I'm not saying she doesn't regularly look like a homeless ferret on national television. I'm saying that she's a 20-year-old woman. This demographic is impervious to advice, so there's no point in wasting my breath.

Early on in her career, your Aunt Slugger spent some time working as a residence hall director at a New England university. As is the case with many universities, this particular university was overrun with people in the 18-22 age range. Your Aunt Slugger was responsible for three buildings filled exclusively with sophomore college students. I was also responsible for handling cases of student misconduct, like cheating on tests or eating hallucinogenic mushrooms or throwing a keg through a fifth story window or smoking crack out of a roommate's ear. For this hard work I received a shitty salary and a basement apartment where the toilet water was never less than 175 degrees Fahrenheit for reasons that were not entirely clear.

Many people spend years getting an advanced degree in higher education to work with these youth. These dedicated souls want to understand these youth, to mold these youth into decent citizens. With all due respect to these people and their hard-earned degrees, the only people on earth who are truly qualified to work with college students are medical professionals who routinely deal with naked, stoned, 150-pound kindergarteners.

One common theme throughout my career as a residence hall director was nudity. College students love to be either completely nude or in various states of undress. This particular university had a student-sponsored dance entitled, "The Less You Wear, The Less You Pay." It should come as no surprise that many guests were admitted for free. And even when people were theoretically clothed, they weren't clothed appropriately. Underwear hanging out all over the place, no underwear, bras being used in place of sweaters, and jeans stretched to the brink of exhaustion. These were the hazards of the job.

And then of course there was the alcohol and drug use. People in this age range love to drink, and they love to blaze up. Tobacco, marijuana - you name it, these fuckers were smoking it. My colleagues worried a great deal about these young, 19-year-old chimneys; your Aunt Slugger just waited them out. Nothing weeds out obnoxious college students more efficiently than a felony drug charge.

My point here, readers, is that we should not be surprised by Miley Cyrus. And honestly, we shouldn't worry about her, either. Young adults do not realize that the only thing separating them from newborn infants is a diaper. They will learn. Or they will get arrested. Or they will walk into a Courtyard Marriott in Omaha and find Jeff VanVonderen waiting for them.

And then eventually, before they know it, they will grow up and become...you. Easily shocked, easily appalled, and always boring.

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger