Critical Public Service Announcement RE: Obamacare

Dear Aunt Slugger,

I am wondering if you can help me. I was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, but I am unable to afford my medication, so I can't keep my job -

Let me stop you right there, Shakes. You can't afford your medication? Are you kidding me? Look, buddy, I don't have all day to listen to your sob stories about not being able to climb stairs without tripping or needing someone to cut your food for you. This is AMERICA. You KNEW there was a chance you could get Parkinson's because your great Aunt Nancy had shaky hands, and yet what did you do? You went ahead and you got a job that doesn't pay well. Whose fault is that? You gotta PLAN AHEAD. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and PLAN FOR -

Oh whoops! Sorry! I thought I was a selfish dick Republican Congressperson for a hot minute there!

Once again, here at Aunt Slugger HQ, we find ourselves issuing another

CRITICAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

because people need to be told about themselves.

Your Aunt Slugger has been hearing a lot of whining about Obamacare these days, and I'm going to say it: If you do not believe that everyone deserves access to quality medical care, you CANNOT CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN. Are we perfectly clear on this? YOU ARE NOT A CHRISTIAN; YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. These are mutually exclusive concepts but people seem to think they are able to simultaneously call themselves Christians and maintain Epic Asshole Status (EAS) by making claims like, "Hospitals have to treat you" (they do not) and "Why should I pay for someone else's cirrhosis of the liver?" (Because we are not Neanderthals.)

Providing quality medical care to all people, regardless of their income or immigration status or race or bad decisions, is what developed nations do. We are not some backwoods, third-world toilet. And quite frankly, Obamacare is not even a real universal health care system. In a real universal system, you'd be insured by the government and you'd actually pay a real tax rate on your capital gains to fund this system. Relying on charitable organizations to provide healthcare to the poor and uninsured is like relying on your drunk uncle. Sometimes he's the life of the party, but sometimes he's passed out in front of the liquor store at 10am. (If you did not get that metaphor, I am referring to the 2008 economic meltdown, where charitable organizations suddenly found themselves groveling for cash and could not provide many of the services they wanted to provide.) (If you still do not understand this metaphor, you are probably opposed to Obamacare.)

I realize this is a controversial subject, but only because the people on the other side of this debate are selfish jerks. I stand by that statement. Paying an appropriate amount in taxes to ensure that your neighbor with a compromised immune system doesn't die from a hangnail is the right thing to do. People should not live in fear of tripping on a Barbie doll in the living room and ending up in the hospital.

(Though if I were opposed to Obamacare, I would probably say, "WELL HOW CAN YOU AFFORD A BARBIE DOLL BUT NOT HEALTH INSURANCE?" because that's obviously the next logical question.)

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger