New home

Dear Aunt Slugger,

At the age of 33, I have just moved into what is essentially a single study dorm room. I share a bathroom with three complete strangers, although a short, excitable, Singaporean guy introduced himself and was very nice. Apparently, one of the other residents is 'an old lady - don't touch her boxes* - she'll know'.

How should I make this more of a home away from home?

Signed,
V of London

* these boxes are stacked on the couch in the communal lounge area

Dear V of London,

Normally, I would suggest that you hang up posters of majestic underwater scenes or kittens playing with yarn, even if you hate dolphins and cats. I would also suggest that you plug in one of those cookie-scented oil devices and crochet a doily that reads "Home is where the heart is." These suggestions would have the dual effect of making you feel more at home and boosting my popularity among middle-aged women in Kansas.

But your situation seems a bit more extreme, and the solution is much more complex than simply mounting a dead sea bass to your wall and waiting for your neighbors to turn up and ask if you'd like to go fishing with them.

You will need to establish your authority immediately, like in prison. Get a conspicuous tattoo, like a full-back portrait of a skeleton holding a sawed-off shotgun and riding a motorcycle. Make references to "heading upstate" on a "manslaughter beef" in the '90s. Be vague if you're asked whether you use heroin, and "inadvertently" leave a belt tied around your bicep while you're making pasta in the kitchen. Leave a ski mask and crowbar next to those boxes on the couch. Keep a box of hollow-point bullets in the silverware drawer. Mindlessly sharpen knives while you watch television. Maintain a cage of subway rats in your bedroom.

Use the Singaporean to your advantage. He could be a potential ally, or he could just mysteriously disappear if you need to send a stronger message to your housemates.

Once you are firmly established as the alpha roommate, you should feel free to settle in and make yourself at home by baking pies, curling up on the couch with a good book, and forcing your housemates to buff your feet and clip your toenails.

Good luck making your house a home!

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger