Car Buying Tips

Dear Aunt Slugger,

I am in the market for a new car. Do you have any car-buying tips you can share?

Sincerely,
Ted of North Dakota

Dear Ted,

Ted, I'm glad you came to me with this important question. Buying a car can be a painful, labor-intensive process that can leave you financially and emotionally drained. Many people--like your dear Aunt Slugger, for example--have had such bad experiences buying cars that they have plans to either never buy another car, or commit suicide when it becomes manifest that buying another car is necessary. But hopefully, with my tips, you will be able to drive off the lot with your new car while whistling "The Next Episode" by Dr. Dre, featuring Snoop Dogg.

To begin, it's important to understand that there are four steps to buying a car. These are

1.) Browsing.
2.) Selecting.
3.) Negotiating.
4.) Death.

No! Sorry! The fourth step is actually "Purchasing." My mistake. In this column, I will provide you with detailed guidance for each step of the process. Each section is formatted to print on a 4"x6" notecard for you to use as a reference while you're huddled inside a bathroom stall, trying to get some time away from your car salesperson.

STEP 1, BROWSING:
The first thing you will need to do is decide what type of car you're interested in, and you can do this by browsing the lots at car dealerships. The ideal time to browse car lots is at 3:30a.m. on Christmas Day, because you can be reasonably certain that you will be left alone, but this is not always practical, and you might have to browse during normal daylight hours.

If you do decide to browse during daylight hours, you should plan which day you intend to go browsing, and then spend a few months before that training with an Olympic sprinter. This will give you a fighting chance of outrunning the salespeople that see you browsing. Although the cheetah has long been considered the fastest land animal, recent studies have suggested that a car salesman traveling at top speed toward a potential Honda buyer might actually be faster. Don't be deceived by appearances, either: Even a rotund car salesperson can go from donut to 60mph in less than two seconds.

STEP 2, SELECTING:
Once you have browsed the full range of vehicle options, you should narrow your choice down to a Toyota, because that is what Aunt Slugger drives. You should decide whether you want cloth interior or leather interior, manual transmission or automatic transmission, four-door or two-door, etc. You should write your selection down on a piece of paper and hand this to the car salesman, who will say, "You know, we have something like that in stock," and then he will take you out to look at something completely different. Keep referring to your piece of paper, and eventually, you might get something resembling what you originally requested. Keep in mind that you will never get the color you want, and you will always have to pay for some kind of embellishment that you don't want, like a sun roof or an espresso maker in the glove compartment.

STEP 3, NEGOTIATING:
There are a number of online research tools that will provide statistics on the amount of money that you should pay for a particular vehicle. No two tools will show the same amount, and it doesn't matter, anyway, because your car salesman will dismiss any pricing literature as being biased because it is sponsored by [name one--another car company, OPEC, Michael Moore, the French government, Charles Manson, etc]. To determine how much you want to pay, you should look at the sticker price, lob 20% off of that, and come to terms with the fact that you're going to get fucked no matter what you do.

STEP 4, PURCHASING:
Once you are done negotiating, you will meet with a financing expert, who will promptly change the price upon which you have just agreed. This is because your financing expert will start tossing in extras without your knowledge. Watch your financing expert closely, because if you're not careful, you'll drive off the lot with a fifteen-year limited warranty on your cup holders.

Your financing expert will also try to steal your trade-in. He or she will say things like, "Well, I mean, your antique 1948 Rolls Royce isn't even LISTED in the Kelley Blue Book, so you're lucky we're giving you 87 cents for it." This is why you are better off trying to sell your car to a strung-out college student on Craigslist.

Well, Ted, I hope this helps! Remember, buying a new vehicle doesn't have to be a terrible experience. With my tips, Ted, your car-buying experience should be an easy and painless--oh, who am I kidding? It's going to be fucking awful. You'd better get started on a bottle of valium now.

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger