The Gym

Dear Aunt Slugger,

I've recently become concerned about my cardiovascular health and have decided to join a gym. Do you have any good exercise tips for me?

Sincerely,
Trying Not To Die At Age 41

Dear TNTDAA41,

Actually, no. I don't. I stopped paying attention to wellness advice after I was forced to square dance in the seventh grade. If you take nothing else away from my advice columns, at least remember this: Never, under any circumstances, should you ever take fitness tips from a middle-aged junior high school gym teacher wearing a red and white checkered scarf. Those are words to live by.

That being said, I can offer you a number of tips for surviving in a gym environment. I have been to a number of different gyms over the years (none of which, you will note, have square dancing machines), and there are a few things you should know before you go stroke out on the treadmill.

First--and this is very important--unless your gym is located inside the locker room of a professional football team, you are not the most athletically disinclined person there. You just aren't. You will think you are, but you are not. Your average gym goer likes to appear as though he or she is a walking, talking Michelangelo fresco, so you will see these people wearing top-of-the-line gear, grunting on the weight machines, and drinking protein shakes while sprinting at top speed on the treadmill. You will also note that these same people rarely survive more than five minutes at any given exercise. This is sometimes referred to as "circuit training," or, as advice columnists know it, "weakness." So do not be intimidated.

Second, your gym will usually offer personal trainers. Unless you have very specific fitness needs, such as wanting your left thigh to look like a turkey drumstick, you don't need a personal trainer. These people get paid by the hour to convey the following message: "Burn calories." Since I am an advice columnist, and thereby already independently wealthy, I will offer the same message here, free of charge: "Burn calories." You may print out this column and keep it with you when you go to the gym to remind yourself of that message, in case you somehow forget why you've decided to surround yourself with sweaty assholes in unforgiving moisture-wicking shorts.

Third, you should not worry about your appearance at the gym. Wear the following outfit: t-shirt, shorts, socks, sneakers, and deodorant. (PLEASE wear deodorant, especially you, dude in yellow shirt who uses the rowing machine every morning from 6-6:30). For you women, if you consider putting on makeup before you go the gym, you should also consider checking yourself into a mental facility. For you men, if you consider not wearing a shirt, ask yourself the following question: "Am I a model?" If the answer is no, you can't go without the shirt. If the answer is yes, you still can't go without the shirt, given that the modern male model looks as though he's been eating nothing but cocaine and Tic-Tacs for the past two years.

Finally, you will find that people will spend a great deal of time trying to see how far you've gone on the treadmill, or how many flights of stairs you've climbed on the stair machine, or how many gallons of sweat you have produced. Disregard these people. They are the same people who keep meticulous notes about how long you took for lunch at work last Friday and how many times they saw you check the online weather forecast. They are also sociopaths who keep body parts in their pantries, so pay them no heed (except as required to avoid being alone with them near an electric carving knife).

Well, TNTDAA41, I hope this helps. Good luck at your new gym, and remember: If you eat properly, exercise regularly, get 8 hours sleep a night, and drink 10 cups of water a day, you will still die.

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger