Aunt Slugger Advice Column Temporarily Suspended Due to Government Shutdown

***Due to the government shutdown, "Dear Aunt Slugger" is being replaced with "Ask Senator Ted Cruz."***

Dear Senator Ted Cruz, 

Hello, I am hoping you can help me. I am employed by the Department of the Interior as a contracting officer, and I have been furloughed due to the government shut down. I do not have much in savings since I used it to pay for my grandma's gall bladder surgery, and I am wondering if you can give me an ETA on when I will get paid again. 

Thank you, 
Jefferson T. MacIntosh, Houston, TX

Jefferson! So good to hear from a fellow Texan! Well, let me tell you buddy, we are THIS close to making a decision. Realllll close. The problem is the Obama administration and their refusal to accept a budget -

Sorry for interrupting, Senator Cruz, but I thought the problem was that you are refusing to fund the Affordable Care Act. 

The what? The Affordable Care Act? No no no, we are definitely going to fund that-

Whoops, sorry again. The Affordable Care Act, AKA Obamacare.

Oh! Sorry! Hahahaha! You know how I get my acts confused. Well, as you know, Barack Hussein Obamacare is a Marxist concept foisted upon the American people by the socialists who have infiltrated the -

Hi again. I really hate to keep interrupting you, but I thought Obamacare was legislation that was passed by democratically elected officials in the United States Congress. 

Boy, you sure are annoying with all your so called "facts," Jefferson. Who told you that? Did you hear that in some underground socialist newspaper put together by the liberal Jews in Hollywood?

Well...um...the Senate website? 

I'm kind of over you and your loud mouth, Jefferson. Next question.

Dear Senator Ted Cruz, 

I am a 28-year-old male, and I met this really nice guy on match.com. We went bowling on our first date and then had dinner at Olive Garden on our - 

Jesus Christ, gays eat at the Olive Garden? My kids ate there just the other day! I'll introduce an amendment to keep that from happening again.

 I...um...wasn't expecting that reaction...um..so -

Oh my GOD, you and your pro-gay rhetoric. Let me guess: You're teaching your gay agenda in the classroom.

I'm a marine biologist in Tampa. 

I always thought manatees seemed gay. Next. 

Dear Senator Ted Cruz, 

Hello. I was recently diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic with violent tendencies, and I can't - 

Is this another sob story about not being able to get your medication? This needs to stop. You know, if you would just suck it up and deal with the voices in your head, maybe then you wouldn't need that damn medication. I broke my toe once and you didn't see me heading straight to CVS for some meds. I toughed it out like a man.

Actually, I was going to say I can't afford a new assault rifle. I passed the background check with flying colors, but weapons are just too expensive. 

Well, that is just a tragedy right there, son. That should never happen. A man has the right to defend his home from any invaders, real or imagined. I'll introduce legislation in your name.