Pants

Dear Aunt Slugger,

What is a polite way to tell the undergraduate man in the coffee shop that while it's great that he's wearing silky black boxers today, I don't need to see 4 inches of them before I even get my coffee.

Signed,
PullYourPantsUpSlim

Dear PYPUS:

First and foremost, it is important for you to realize that you are not the only person on our mortal coil grappling with this profound question. People tend to ask this question right after they ask, "Aunt Slugger, does God really exist?" because it's hard to believe in a benevolent deity when you involuntarily spend 85% of your day looking at other people's undergarments.

And I'm afraid I don't have a good answer for you, PYPUS. Lesser advice columnists will suggest that you tug at the individual's pant leg so that his pants fall off and he is so embarrassed that he will begin wearing his pants at his natural waistline. But this is flawed logic for a couple of reasons:

First of all, anyone who has seen young men wear their pants around their mid-thigh will automatically wonder how the pants stay in place. Even with a belt, the pants still appear to be defying gravity. Therefore, we can only assume that these young men have developed a highly sophisticated pulley system under their nine-sizes-too-large shirts to keep their pants firmly in place. So tugging at the pants would probably not accomplish much besides landing you in the county lockup on an assault charge.

Second, and more important, it is a common misconception that college students are embarrassed to be seen wearing only their underwear. Most college students, if given the choice, would stroll around campus wearing nothing more than a Q-tip and Birkenstocks. This is because the brain of a college student is not fully developed like yours or mine; in fact, recent studies have shown that undergraduates are clinically incapable of thinking about anything else besides naked people and grade inflation. The result is that most college students are looking for any excuse--any excuse at all--to remove their clothing. So by tugging at the pant leg of an offender, you would only be doing him a favor.

I hate to say this, PYPUS, but your best bet is either to make your coffee at home using one of many inexpensive, mass-produced coffee makers, or to gouge your eyes out.

Hope this helps.
Aunt Slugger

Cell Phone Etiquette

Dear Aunt Slugger: What is a polite way to tell the woman that I see on the train EVERYDAY to stop talking so damn loudly about effing nothing for the ENTIRE hour journey? Signed, Ready to Kill

Readers, this letter comes to us all the way from the United Kingdom! So you can sleep soundly tonight knowing that you're getting top-notch advice from a column with an international following. And as the Church of Scientology and Paris Hilton prove, anything with an international following must be worth its salt.

Ready to Kill, you've posed an interesting question here. A lot of this depends on the laws of your particular state/region/municipality/country. A person residing in a lawless society--like Somalia, certain areas of Brazil, or the Wellesley Township Whole Foods--should feel comfortable taking the phone and using it as a makeshift toilet without fear of punishment by the authorities.

But this gets a bit trickier in more civilized society, where it is unfortunately still considered a bit gauche to publicly flay individuals who just can't seem to shut the fuck up and turn off their phones.

Some suggested approaches:

STRATEGY # 1.) Politely remind the offender that, while her best friend might want to know whether her increased consumption of grapefruit juice is helping with her cirrhosis, the rest of the train car isn't quite so interested. Offer to lend her a copy of "Bon Appetit" or "The Economist" for the remainder of the ride if she agrees to turn off her cell phone.

HAHA! Aunt Slugger is just joking about #1. Grapefruit juice can't cure cirrhosis, and "The Economist" can't cure an asshole. Strategy #1 will definitely not work and could potentially result in an awkward social interaction or a week in the intensive care unit. Definitely do not try Strategy #1. You're better off with...

STRATEGY # 2.) Attempt to incite a riot and then "inadvertently" throw this individual from the moving train car. You will know the riot is starting when the offender begins to narrate the situation into her cell phone. "OMG, there are a couple dudes running around with pitchforks and torches" and "No, seriously, what did you say? I can't hear you over all this screaming and breaking glass" are telltale comments, and you will know that your plan is beginning to work. Wait until the level of mayhem has reached a critical mass, and then make your move. Admit nothing to the police.

Hope this helps, RTK! Enjoy some clotted cream and scones for the rest of us!

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger

Baking Tips

Dear Aunt Slugger:

I'd like to make malted milk ball cookies, and I understand that you just made these cookies this evening. Do you have any tips for us?

Signed,
Dwayne in Colorado

Hi Dwayne,

I sure do! The key, in my opinion, is to have a small and cramped kitchen in an apartment complex in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Ideally, you will also have most of your kitchen utensils packed away in boxes from when you moved into your apartment on August 15th, and you will rely exclusively on a plastic measuring spoon for all of your stirring, mixing, sampling, and tenderizing needs.

If you don't meet these initial requirements--don't worry! That's what dreams are for. And the cookies aren't out of your reach. Just follow my step-by-step instructions below.

1.) Soften your butter by neglecting it on top of the pre-heating oven for approximately thirty minutes.
2.) Once you've replaced your burners, cream the butter and sugar with an electric beater.
3.) Leave the beater on the edge of the counter in staunch defiance of the laws of physics.
4.) Retrieve the beater from the floor.
5.) Frantically locate your Swiffer Wet Jet and matching Swiffer Wet Jet pads.
6.) Slip on the batter.
7.) Notice that the batter has splattered into your pet cat's food and water dishes.
8.) Pretend you didn't notice.
9.) Swiffer the hell out of the floor, over and over again, even though the Swiffer Wet Jet pad appears not to absorb the lipids from the butter.
10.) Act confused when your significant other asks if the floor seems "slippery." Arrogantly suggest he get different footwear.
11.) Place the malted milk balls in a plastic bag and crush them using a granite mortar and pestle.
12.) Carry the bag across the room without realizing that there's a hole in it.
13.) Note that the Swiffer definitely doesn't pick up malted milk balls.
14.) Roll the dough into 1.5 inch balls, per the recipe. NOTE: Mathematically speaking, there is no difference between a dough ball with a diameter of 1.5 inches and a dough ball with a diameter of 4 inches, but recipe books will not mention this. Feel free to use either measurement.
15.) Bake for ten minutes, or until you remember that the cookies are in the oven.
16.) Peel excess dough off the bottom of the oven.
17.) Congratulate yourself! You're a gourmet chef!

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger