Dear Readers,
Well, it's October already, and you know what that means! It means that the inspection sticker on my car is expired. But it also means that the holiday season is fast approaching, which means that you're going to be spending a lot of time in the kitchen--making cookies for your kids' teachers, roasting turkeys, baking pumpkin bread, and trying to get the cranberry sauce to come out of the can in one piece. So it is time for my annual holiday baking FAQ!!! The list below contains the questions I receive the most from you, my dear readers.
Happy baking!
Q: My pregnant wife thinks its okay to wear (and get dirty) my hooded sweatshirts and other clothes, but then she gets all up in my face when she doesn't have any clean panties because I've worn them and--
A: READERS, this is a FAMILY-ORIENTED BAKING FAQ. Please save this for another FAQ.
Q: I can't get my pie crust to turn out right. It's always soggy in the middle. Do you have any suggestions?
A: Common baking mishap. As it turns out, many pie crust recipes are lacking a critical ingredient called "pre-made pie crusts from the refrigerated dinner roll section." Add this ingredient to the pie pan first, and then mix your other ingredients and leave them on the counter.
Q: I would really like a 9-inch round springform pan, but it's expensive. Are there any substitutes?
A: Yes, a 9x13 casserole dish is actually the same thing. It's a marketing gimmick.
Q: Can I use butter to grease a baking sheet instead of cooking spray?
A: If you're trying to kill your family with saturated fat, then yes, by all means, use the butter, and see if you can look at yourself in the mirror the next morning, you selfish pig.
Q: Last weekend, I was making foie gras souffle with a duck confit, and I was whisking the egg whites when--
A: WOW, Julia Child, whenever you're done bragging--we can wait.
Q: No, I was just wondering whether--
A: We're still waiting.
Q: But...never mind.
A: Right.
Q: I am having a fondue party, and I am wondering what kind of cheese you'd recommend I use?
A: There are only two types of cheese, actually, that should be used for melting, cooking or baking, and these are plain Velveeta and pepperjack Velveeta. I'd recommend pepperjack for your fondue party, since plain Velveeta might seem a bit too pedestrian.
Q: I've heard that you can use applesauce in place of oil in brownies. Is this true?
A: If you would like tasteless, flavorless brownies that you can also use to scour your kitchen counter, then yes, applesauce is a great substitute.
Q: I mean, there's nothing wrong with wearing my wife's underwear--
A: You again--GET OFF THIS FAQ, DAMMIT.
Answering life's deepest questions
Showing posts with label Baking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baking. Show all posts
Monday, October 5, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Baking Tips
Dear Aunt Slugger:
I'd like to make malted milk ball cookies, and I understand that you just made these cookies this evening. Do you have any tips for us?
Signed,
Dwayne in Colorado
Hi Dwayne,
I sure do! The key, in my opinion, is to have a small and cramped kitchen in an apartment complex in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Ideally, you will also have most of your kitchen utensils packed away in boxes from when you moved into your apartment on August 15th, and you will rely exclusively on a plastic measuring spoon for all of your stirring, mixing, sampling, and tenderizing needs.
If you don't meet these initial requirements--don't worry! That's what dreams are for. And the cookies aren't out of your reach. Just follow my step-by-step instructions below.
1.) Soften your butter by neglecting it on top of the pre-heating oven for approximately thirty minutes.
2.) Once you've replaced your burners, cream the butter and sugar with an electric beater.
3.) Leave the beater on the edge of the counter in staunch defiance of the laws of physics.
4.) Retrieve the beater from the floor.
5.) Frantically locate your Swiffer Wet Jet and matching Swiffer Wet Jet pads.
6.) Slip on the batter.
7.) Notice that the batter has splattered into your pet cat's food and water dishes.
8.) Pretend you didn't notice.
9.) Swiffer the hell out of the floor, over and over again, even though the Swiffer Wet Jet pad appears not to absorb the lipids from the butter.
10.) Act confused when your significant other asks if the floor seems "slippery." Arrogantly suggest he get different footwear.
11.) Place the malted milk balls in a plastic bag and crush them using a granite mortar and pestle.
12.) Carry the bag across the room without realizing that there's a hole in it.
13.) Note that the Swiffer definitely doesn't pick up malted milk balls.
14.) Roll the dough into 1.5 inch balls, per the recipe. NOTE: Mathematically speaking, there is no difference between a dough ball with a diameter of 1.5 inches and a dough ball with a diameter of 4 inches, but recipe books will not mention this. Feel free to use either measurement.
15.) Bake for ten minutes, or until you remember that the cookies are in the oven.
16.) Peel excess dough off the bottom of the oven.
17.) Congratulate yourself! You're a gourmet chef!
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
I'd like to make malted milk ball cookies, and I understand that you just made these cookies this evening. Do you have any tips for us?
Signed,
Dwayne in Colorado
Hi Dwayne,
I sure do! The key, in my opinion, is to have a small and cramped kitchen in an apartment complex in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Ideally, you will also have most of your kitchen utensils packed away in boxes from when you moved into your apartment on August 15th, and you will rely exclusively on a plastic measuring spoon for all of your stirring, mixing, sampling, and tenderizing needs.
If you don't meet these initial requirements--don't worry! That's what dreams are for. And the cookies aren't out of your reach. Just follow my step-by-step instructions below.
1.) Soften your butter by neglecting it on top of the pre-heating oven for approximately thirty minutes.
2.) Once you've replaced your burners, cream the butter and sugar with an electric beater.
3.) Leave the beater on the edge of the counter in staunch defiance of the laws of physics.
4.) Retrieve the beater from the floor.
5.) Frantically locate your Swiffer Wet Jet and matching Swiffer Wet Jet pads.
6.) Slip on the batter.
7.) Notice that the batter has splattered into your pet cat's food and water dishes.
8.) Pretend you didn't notice.
9.) Swiffer the hell out of the floor, over and over again, even though the Swiffer Wet Jet pad appears not to absorb the lipids from the butter.
10.) Act confused when your significant other asks if the floor seems "slippery." Arrogantly suggest he get different footwear.
11.) Place the malted milk balls in a plastic bag and crush them using a granite mortar and pestle.
12.) Carry the bag across the room without realizing that there's a hole in it.
13.) Note that the Swiffer definitely doesn't pick up malted milk balls.
14.) Roll the dough into 1.5 inch balls, per the recipe. NOTE: Mathematically speaking, there is no difference between a dough ball with a diameter of 1.5 inches and a dough ball with a diameter of 4 inches, but recipe books will not mention this. Feel free to use either measurement.
15.) Bake for ten minutes, or until you remember that the cookies are in the oven.
16.) Peel excess dough off the bottom of the oven.
17.) Congratulate yourself! You're a gourmet chef!
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
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