Pants

Dear Aunt Slugger,

What is a polite way to tell the undergraduate man in the coffee shop that while it's great that he's wearing silky black boxers today, I don't need to see 4 inches of them before I even get my coffee.

Signed,
PullYourPantsUpSlim

Dear PYPUS:

First and foremost, it is important for you to realize that you are not the only person on our mortal coil grappling with this profound question. People tend to ask this question right after they ask, "Aunt Slugger, does God really exist?" because it's hard to believe in a benevolent deity when you involuntarily spend 85% of your day looking at other people's undergarments.

And I'm afraid I don't have a good answer for you, PYPUS. Lesser advice columnists will suggest that you tug at the individual's pant leg so that his pants fall off and he is so embarrassed that he will begin wearing his pants at his natural waistline. But this is flawed logic for a couple of reasons:

First of all, anyone who has seen young men wear their pants around their mid-thigh will automatically wonder how the pants stay in place. Even with a belt, the pants still appear to be defying gravity. Therefore, we can only assume that these young men have developed a highly sophisticated pulley system under their nine-sizes-too-large shirts to keep their pants firmly in place. So tugging at the pants would probably not accomplish much besides landing you in the county lockup on an assault charge.

Second, and more important, it is a common misconception that college students are embarrassed to be seen wearing only their underwear. Most college students, if given the choice, would stroll around campus wearing nothing more than a Q-tip and Birkenstocks. This is because the brain of a college student is not fully developed like yours or mine; in fact, recent studies have shown that undergraduates are clinically incapable of thinking about anything else besides naked people and grade inflation. The result is that most college students are looking for any excuse--any excuse at all--to remove their clothing. So by tugging at the pant leg of an offender, you would only be doing him a favor.

I hate to say this, PYPUS, but your best bet is either to make your coffee at home using one of many inexpensive, mass-produced coffee makers, or to gouge your eyes out.

Hope this helps.
Aunt Slugger