Readers, this letter comes to us all the way from the United Kingdom! So you can sleep soundly tonight knowing that you're getting top-notch advice from a column with an international following. And as the Church of Scientology and Paris Hilton prove, anything with an international following must be worth its salt.
Ready to Kill, you've posed an interesting question here. A lot of this depends on the laws of your particular state/region/municipality/country. A person residing in a lawless society--like Somalia, certain areas of Brazil, or the Wellesley Township Whole Foods--should feel comfortable taking the phone and using it as a makeshift toilet without fear of punishment by the authorities.
But this gets a bit trickier in more civilized society, where it is unfortunately still considered a bit gauche to publicly flay individuals who just can't seem to shut the fuck up and turn off their phones.
Some suggested approaches:
STRATEGY # 1.) Politely remind the offender that, while her best friend might want to know whether her increased consumption of grapefruit juice is helping with her cirrhosis, the rest of the train car isn't quite so interested. Offer to lend her a copy of "Bon Appetit" or "The Economist" for the remainder of the ride if she agrees to turn off her cell phone.
HAHA! Aunt Slugger is just joking about #1. Grapefruit juice can't cure cirrhosis, and "The Economist" can't cure an asshole. Strategy #1 will definitely not work and could potentially result in an awkward social interaction or a week in the intensive care unit. Definitely do not try Strategy #1. You're better off with...
STRATEGY # 2.) Attempt to incite a riot and then "inadvertently" throw this individual from the moving train car. You will know the riot is starting when the offender begins to narrate the situation into her cell phone. "OMG, there are a couple dudes running around with pitchforks and torches" and "No, seriously, what did you say? I can't hear you over all this screaming and breaking glass" are telltale comments, and you will know that your plan is beginning to work. Wait until the level of mayhem has reached a critical mass, and then make your move. Admit nothing to the police.
Hope this helps, RTK! Enjoy some clotted cream and scones for the rest of us!
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
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