Dear Readers,
Well, it's October already, and you know what that means! It means that the inspection sticker on my car is expired. But it also means that the holiday season is fast approaching, which means that you're going to be spending a lot of time in the kitchen--making cookies for your kids' teachers, roasting turkeys, baking pumpkin bread, and trying to get the cranberry sauce to come out of the can in one piece. So it is time for my annual holiday baking FAQ!!! The list below contains the questions I receive the most from you, my dear readers.
Happy baking!
Q: My pregnant wife thinks its okay to wear (and get dirty) my hooded sweatshirts and other clothes, but then she gets all up in my face when she doesn't have any clean panties because I've worn them and--
A: READERS, this is a FAMILY-ORIENTED BAKING FAQ. Please save this for another FAQ.
Q: I can't get my pie crust to turn out right. It's always soggy in the middle. Do you have any suggestions?
A: Common baking mishap. As it turns out, many pie crust recipes are lacking a critical ingredient called "pre-made pie crusts from the refrigerated dinner roll section." Add this ingredient to the pie pan first, and then mix your other ingredients and leave them on the counter.
Q: I would really like a 9-inch round springform pan, but it's expensive. Are there any substitutes?
A: Yes, a 9x13 casserole dish is actually the same thing. It's a marketing gimmick.
Q: Can I use butter to grease a baking sheet instead of cooking spray?
A: If you're trying to kill your family with saturated fat, then yes, by all means, use the butter, and see if you can look at yourself in the mirror the next morning, you selfish pig.
Q: Last weekend, I was making foie gras souffle with a duck confit, and I was whisking the egg whites when--
A: WOW, Julia Child, whenever you're done bragging--we can wait.
Q: No, I was just wondering whether--
A: We're still waiting.
Q: But...never mind.
A: Right.
Q: I am having a fondue party, and I am wondering what kind of cheese you'd recommend I use?
A: There are only two types of cheese, actually, that should be used for melting, cooking or baking, and these are plain Velveeta and pepperjack Velveeta. I'd recommend pepperjack for your fondue party, since plain Velveeta might seem a bit too pedestrian.
Q: I've heard that you can use applesauce in place of oil in brownies. Is this true?
A: If you would like tasteless, flavorless brownies that you can also use to scour your kitchen counter, then yes, applesauce is a great substitute.
Q: I mean, there's nothing wrong with wearing my wife's underwear--
A: You again--GET OFF THIS FAQ, DAMMIT.
Answering life's deepest questions
Showing posts with label underwear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label underwear. Show all posts
Monday, October 5, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Pants
Dear Aunt Slugger,
What is a polite way to tell the undergraduate man in the coffee shop that while it's great that he's wearing silky black boxers today, I don't need to see 4 inches of them before I even get my coffee.
Signed,
PullYourPantsUpSlim
Dear PYPUS:
First and foremost, it is important for you to realize that you are not the only person on our mortal coil grappling with this profound question. People tend to ask this question right after they ask, "Aunt Slugger, does God really exist?" because it's hard to believe in a benevolent deity when you involuntarily spend 85% of your day looking at other people's undergarments.
And I'm afraid I don't have a good answer for you, PYPUS. Lesser advice columnists will suggest that you tug at the individual's pant leg so that his pants fall off and he is so embarrassed that he will begin wearing his pants at his natural waistline. But this is flawed logic for a couple of reasons:
First of all, anyone who has seen young men wear their pants around their mid-thigh will automatically wonder how the pants stay in place. Even with a belt, the pants still appear to be defying gravity. Therefore, we can only assume that these young men have developed a highly sophisticated pulley system under their nine-sizes-too-large shirts to keep their pants firmly in place. So tugging at the pants would probably not accomplish much besides landing you in the county lockup on an assault charge.
Second, and more important, it is a common misconception that college students are embarrassed to be seen wearing only their underwear. Most college students, if given the choice, would stroll around campus wearing nothing more than a Q-tip and Birkenstocks. This is because the brain of a college student is not fully developed like yours or mine; in fact, recent studies have shown that undergraduates are clinically incapable of thinking about anything else besides naked people and grade inflation. The result is that most college students are looking for any excuse--any excuse at all--to remove their clothing. So by tugging at the pant leg of an offender, you would only be doing him a favor.
I hate to say this, PYPUS, but your best bet is either to make your coffee at home using one of many inexpensive, mass-produced coffee makers, or to gouge your eyes out.
Hope this helps.
Aunt Slugger
What is a polite way to tell the undergraduate man in the coffee shop that while it's great that he's wearing silky black boxers today, I don't need to see 4 inches of them before I even get my coffee.
Signed,
PullYourPantsUpSlim
Dear PYPUS:
First and foremost, it is important for you to realize that you are not the only person on our mortal coil grappling with this profound question. People tend to ask this question right after they ask, "Aunt Slugger, does God really exist?" because it's hard to believe in a benevolent deity when you involuntarily spend 85% of your day looking at other people's undergarments.
And I'm afraid I don't have a good answer for you, PYPUS. Lesser advice columnists will suggest that you tug at the individual's pant leg so that his pants fall off and he is so embarrassed that he will begin wearing his pants at his natural waistline. But this is flawed logic for a couple of reasons:
First of all, anyone who has seen young men wear their pants around their mid-thigh will automatically wonder how the pants stay in place. Even with a belt, the pants still appear to be defying gravity. Therefore, we can only assume that these young men have developed a highly sophisticated pulley system under their nine-sizes-too-large shirts to keep their pants firmly in place. So tugging at the pants would probably not accomplish much besides landing you in the county lockup on an assault charge.
Second, and more important, it is a common misconception that college students are embarrassed to be seen wearing only their underwear. Most college students, if given the choice, would stroll around campus wearing nothing more than a Q-tip and Birkenstocks. This is because the brain of a college student is not fully developed like yours or mine; in fact, recent studies have shown that undergraduates are clinically incapable of thinking about anything else besides naked people and grade inflation. The result is that most college students are looking for any excuse--any excuse at all--to remove their clothing. So by tugging at the pant leg of an offender, you would only be doing him a favor.
I hate to say this, PYPUS, but your best bet is either to make your coffee at home using one of many inexpensive, mass-produced coffee makers, or to gouge your eyes out.
Hope this helps.
Aunt Slugger
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