Baking Tips

Dear Aunt Slugger:

I'd like to make malted milk ball cookies, and I understand that you just made these cookies this evening. Do you have any tips for us?

Signed,
Dwayne in Colorado

Hi Dwayne,

I sure do! The key, in my opinion, is to have a small and cramped kitchen in an apartment complex in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Ideally, you will also have most of your kitchen utensils packed away in boxes from when you moved into your apartment on August 15th, and you will rely exclusively on a plastic measuring spoon for all of your stirring, mixing, sampling, and tenderizing needs.

If you don't meet these initial requirements--don't worry! That's what dreams are for. And the cookies aren't out of your reach. Just follow my step-by-step instructions below.

1.) Soften your butter by neglecting it on top of the pre-heating oven for approximately thirty minutes.
2.) Once you've replaced your burners, cream the butter and sugar with an electric beater.
3.) Leave the beater on the edge of the counter in staunch defiance of the laws of physics.
4.) Retrieve the beater from the floor.
5.) Frantically locate your Swiffer Wet Jet and matching Swiffer Wet Jet pads.
6.) Slip on the batter.
7.) Notice that the batter has splattered into your pet cat's food and water dishes.
8.) Pretend you didn't notice.
9.) Swiffer the hell out of the floor, over and over again, even though the Swiffer Wet Jet pad appears not to absorb the lipids from the butter.
10.) Act confused when your significant other asks if the floor seems "slippery." Arrogantly suggest he get different footwear.
11.) Place the malted milk balls in a plastic bag and crush them using a granite mortar and pestle.
12.) Carry the bag across the room without realizing that there's a hole in it.
13.) Note that the Swiffer definitely doesn't pick up malted milk balls.
14.) Roll the dough into 1.5 inch balls, per the recipe. NOTE: Mathematically speaking, there is no difference between a dough ball with a diameter of 1.5 inches and a dough ball with a diameter of 4 inches, but recipe books will not mention this. Feel free to use either measurement.
15.) Bake for ten minutes, or until you remember that the cookies are in the oven.
16.) Peel excess dough off the bottom of the oven.
17.) Congratulate yourself! You're a gourmet chef!

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger