Securing Yourself a Man

I must say that the timing of my engagement was very serendipitous, since I snagged a man just before this helpful op-ed piece on foxnews.com created a run on husbands. In this op-ed piece, women are scolded for their efforts to be financially independent from men and encouraged to go find a man to support them, while being reminded that it will be difficult to find a supportive man because a generation of financially independent women have offended men.

Your Aunt Slugger loves columns like these. There is nothing I enjoy more than a white columnist waxing nostalgic about the "good ol' days" when women stayed at home, men were the breadwinners, and black people were lynched for using the wrong restroom. Those were the days, weren't they?! Things were great back then.*

Now, your Aunt Slugger is not here to judge straight couples where each gender takes on a traditional role. My own mother, for example, was a stay-at-home mother for much of my childhood, begrudgingly taking on some of the most awful tasks imaginable, like being a Brownie troop leader, presiding over the PTA, and helping me haul a giant barrel of overgrown impatiens to the county plant fair. Being a parent is like being a sewage diver without the pay or mandatory hepatitis vaccinations. It is a necessary, disgusting, and important job, but people do not have enough respect for this role.

But I digress. Our Fox News opinion writer cites a whole bunch of studies indicating that women value work-life balance and comes to the natural conclusion that the only way to achieve this is to find yourself a husband who will take care of you. After all, ladies, "you can't take your paycheck to bed with you."**

Obviously this solution makes sense. The fact that women cannot easily achieve work-life balance is NOT because of things like incredibly inadequate maternity leave, the wage gap between men and women, or a lack of quality state-sponsored programs for parents. No, you idiot women, it's because you aren't married to a man. But not just any man, ladies! You need a man who can support you if you leave your job or reduce your hours, which means you should NOT look for male social workers or male teachers (these men are probably not real men anyway, since they have eschewed money and glamour for women's work).

And of course, if you cannot find a man, "ask yourself why, and I bet you know the answer," says our delightfully offensive Fox News op-ed writer. It's because you are a repulsive trollop, with your own bank account and your career and what we can only conclude are loose moral standards.

So ladies, let's do ourselves a favor and set the women's movement back about a hundred years. I for one am going to change the focus of this column to be exclusively about housekeeping and matrimony, with upcoming topics like, "Can you recommend an alternative to PineSol?"*** and "How do you properly iron a man's dress shirt?"****

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger

*False.
**$10 to the first person who knows what that quote means.
***Who the fuck even knows what PineSol does?
****You don't.

Baking FAQ

Dear Readers,

Well, it's October already, and you know what that means! It means that the inspection sticker on my car is expired. But it also means that the holiday season is fast approaching, which means that you're going to be spending a lot of time in the kitchen--making cookies for your kids' teachers, roasting turkeys, baking pumpkin bread, and trying to get the cranberry sauce to come out of the can in one piece. So it is time for my annual holiday baking FAQ!!! The list below contains the questions I receive the most from you, my dear readers.

Happy baking!

Q: My pregnant wife thinks its okay to wear (and get dirty) my hooded sweatshirts and other clothes, but then she gets all up in my face when she doesn't have any clean panties because I've worn them and--
A: READERS, this is a FAMILY-ORIENTED BAKING FAQ. Please save this for another FAQ.

Q: I can't get my pie crust to turn out right. It's always soggy in the middle. Do you have any suggestions?
A: Common baking mishap. As it turns out, many pie crust recipes are lacking a critical ingredient called "pre-made pie crusts from the refrigerated dinner roll section." Add this ingredient to the pie pan first, and then mix your other ingredients and leave them on the counter.

Q: I would really like a 9-inch round springform pan, but it's expensive. Are there any substitutes?
A: Yes, a 9x13 casserole dish is actually the same thing. It's a marketing gimmick.

Q: Can I use butter to grease a baking sheet instead of cooking spray?
A: If you're trying to kill your family with saturated fat, then yes, by all means, use the butter, and see if you can look at yourself in the mirror the next morning, you selfish pig.

Q: Last weekend, I was making foie gras souffle with a duck confit, and I was whisking the egg whites when--
A: WOW, Julia Child, whenever you're done bragging--we can wait.

Q: No, I was just wondering whether--
A: We're still waiting.

Q: But...never mind.
A: Right.

Q: I am having a fondue party, and I am wondering what kind of cheese you'd recommend I use?
A: There are only two types of cheese, actually, that should be used for melting, cooking or baking, and these are plain Velveeta and pepperjack Velveeta. I'd recommend pepperjack for your fondue party, since plain Velveeta might seem a bit too pedestrian.

Q: I've heard that you can use applesauce in place of oil in brownies. Is this true?
A: If you would like tasteless, flavorless brownies that you can also use to scour your kitchen counter, then yes, applesauce is a great substitute.

Q: I mean, there's nothing wrong with wearing my wife's underwear--
A: You again--GET OFF THIS FAQ, DAMMIT.