Dear Aunt Slugger,
Recently, my sister and I spent some time in a hospital waiting room with a young man that tried to impress us (and seemingly hit on my sister) by telling us about his collection of 9 millimeter guns and a certain "Desert Storm" weapon and silencer he was hoping to purchase. My sister nodded along and feigned interest while I put on some headphones and pretended not to hear him. Keeping in mind that his uncle was sharing a hospital room with our father, what was the correct way to respond to this situation?
Sincerely,
Dad, We Love You, But This Waiting Room is Really Inconvenient
Dear DWLYBTWRIRI:
First of all, it's important for Aunt Slugger to determine specifically WHICH Desert Storm weapon your waiting room friend was looking to purchase? Was it the Tapeworm, Hopper-9, or LYF-07 Stymie? Because if it was the LYF-07 Stymie, that is a BAD ASS weapon and if this guy really needs to get one, I can certainly put him in touch with--what was that? Oh, fine. Sorry, DWLYBTWRIRI, but the stuffed shirts in our legal department have asked me not to continue on with this paragraph.
Whatever.
Anyway, DWLYBTWRIRI, let's make sure we have all the facts here. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm going to sum up the situation with bullet points (no pun intended):
- You were in a hospital waiting room.
- Your father was hospitalized.
- The gun afficianado's uncle was also hospitalized.
- This guy decided, with emotions running high, that there's no better time to bag a lady than while his uncle is languishing in a hospital bed a few feet away.
- He further decided that he would put on his best game and discuss his gun collection.
Quite frankly, you have nothing to complain about. Your hospital waiting room experience is only atypical in the sense that you were not in the presence of at least nineteen other psychotic whackjobs. I include the emergency room doctors in this statement as well, all of whom have been awake since 1973 and all of whom believe that the single greatest medical threat facing our nation is earwax. I have never been to a doctor's office or hospital and NOT had my ears drained, cleaned, and buffed. You can go into an emergency room HOLDING YOUR LIVER IN YOUR HAND, and you will be told that you have a serious earwax situation. And for those of you who think that the cure for earwax doesn't involve strapping you down and putting a hot pink liquid laxative in your ear, you obviously have never lived.
So you do not have my sympathy, DWLYBTWRIRI. Not at all. The fact that you only had one conversation about silencers during the course of your wait means that you got off lucky.
Your earwax problem, on the other hand, is out of control, but we'll save that for another column.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
Answering life's deepest questions
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Car Buying Tips
Dear Aunt Slugger,
I am in the market for a new car. Do you have any car-buying tips you can share?
Sincerely,
Ted of North Dakota
Dear Ted,
Ted, I'm glad you came to me with this important question. Buying a car can be a painful, labor-intensive process that can leave you financially and emotionally drained. Many people--like your dear Aunt Slugger, for example--have had such bad experiences buying cars that they have plans to either never buy another car, or commit suicide when it becomes manifest that buying another car is necessary. But hopefully, with my tips, you will be able to drive off the lot with your new car while whistling "The Next Episode" by Dr. Dre, featuring Snoop Dogg.
To begin, it's important to understand that there are four steps to buying a car. These are
1.) Browsing.
2.) Selecting.
3.) Negotiating.
4.) Death.
No! Sorry! The fourth step is actually "Purchasing." My mistake. In this column, I will provide you with detailed guidance for each step of the process. Each section is formatted to print on a 4"x6" notecard for you to use as a reference while you're huddled inside a bathroom stall, trying to get some time away from your car salesperson.
STEP 1, BROWSING:
The first thing you will need to do is decide what type of car you're interested in, and you can do this by browsing the lots at car dealerships. The ideal time to browse car lots is at 3:30a.m. on Christmas Day, because you can be reasonably certain that you will be left alone, but this is not always practical, and you might have to browse during normal daylight hours.
If you do decide to browse during daylight hours, you should plan which day you intend to go browsing, and then spend a few months before that training with an Olympic sprinter. This will give you a fighting chance of outrunning the salespeople that see you browsing. Although the cheetah has long been considered the fastest land animal, recent studies have suggested that a car salesman traveling at top speed toward a potential Honda buyer might actually be faster. Don't be deceived by appearances, either: Even a rotund car salesperson can go from donut to 60mph in less than two seconds.
STEP 2, SELECTING:
Once you have browsed the full range of vehicle options, you should narrow your choice down to a Toyota, because that is what Aunt Slugger drives. You should decide whether you want cloth interior or leather interior, manual transmission or automatic transmission, four-door or two-door, etc. You should write your selection down on a piece of paper and hand this to the car salesman, who will say, "You know, we have something like that in stock," and then he will take you out to look at something completely different. Keep referring to your piece of paper, and eventually, you might get something resembling what you originally requested. Keep in mind that you will never get the color you want, and you will always have to pay for some kind of embellishment that you don't want, like a sun roof or an espresso maker in the glove compartment.
STEP 3, NEGOTIATING:
There are a number of online research tools that will provide statistics on the amount of money that you should pay for a particular vehicle. No two tools will show the same amount, and it doesn't matter, anyway, because your car salesman will dismiss any pricing literature as being biased because it is sponsored by [name one--another car company, OPEC, Michael Moore, the French government, Charles Manson, etc]. To determine how much you want to pay, you should look at the sticker price, lob 20% off of that, and come to terms with the fact that you're going to get fucked no matter what you do.
STEP 4, PURCHASING:
Once you are done negotiating, you will meet with a financing expert, who will promptly change the price upon which you have just agreed. This is because your financing expert will start tossing in extras without your knowledge. Watch your financing expert closely, because if you're not careful, you'll drive off the lot with a fifteen-year limited warranty on your cup holders.
Your financing expert will also try to steal your trade-in. He or she will say things like, "Well, I mean, your antique 1948 Rolls Royce isn't even LISTED in the Kelley Blue Book, so you're lucky we're giving you 87 cents for it." This is why you are better off trying to sell your car to a strung-out college student on Craigslist.
Well, Ted, I hope this helps! Remember, buying a new vehicle doesn't have to be a terrible experience. With my tips, Ted, your car-buying experience should be an easy and painless--oh, who am I kidding? It's going to be fucking awful. You'd better get started on a bottle of valium now.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
I am in the market for a new car. Do you have any car-buying tips you can share?
Sincerely,
Ted of North Dakota
Dear Ted,
Ted, I'm glad you came to me with this important question. Buying a car can be a painful, labor-intensive process that can leave you financially and emotionally drained. Many people--like your dear Aunt Slugger, for example--have had such bad experiences buying cars that they have plans to either never buy another car, or commit suicide when it becomes manifest that buying another car is necessary. But hopefully, with my tips, you will be able to drive off the lot with your new car while whistling "The Next Episode" by Dr. Dre, featuring Snoop Dogg.
To begin, it's important to understand that there are four steps to buying a car. These are
1.) Browsing.
2.) Selecting.
3.) Negotiating.
4.) Death.
No! Sorry! The fourth step is actually "Purchasing." My mistake. In this column, I will provide you with detailed guidance for each step of the process. Each section is formatted to print on a 4"x6" notecard for you to use as a reference while you're huddled inside a bathroom stall, trying to get some time away from your car salesperson.
STEP 1, BROWSING:
The first thing you will need to do is decide what type of car you're interested in, and you can do this by browsing the lots at car dealerships. The ideal time to browse car lots is at 3:30a.m. on Christmas Day, because you can be reasonably certain that you will be left alone, but this is not always practical, and you might have to browse during normal daylight hours.
If you do decide to browse during daylight hours, you should plan which day you intend to go browsing, and then spend a few months before that training with an Olympic sprinter. This will give you a fighting chance of outrunning the salespeople that see you browsing. Although the cheetah has long been considered the fastest land animal, recent studies have suggested that a car salesman traveling at top speed toward a potential Honda buyer might actually be faster. Don't be deceived by appearances, either: Even a rotund car salesperson can go from donut to 60mph in less than two seconds.
STEP 2, SELECTING:
Once you have browsed the full range of vehicle options, you should narrow your choice down to a Toyota, because that is what Aunt Slugger drives. You should decide whether you want cloth interior or leather interior, manual transmission or automatic transmission, four-door or two-door, etc. You should write your selection down on a piece of paper and hand this to the car salesman, who will say, "You know, we have something like that in stock," and then he will take you out to look at something completely different. Keep referring to your piece of paper, and eventually, you might get something resembling what you originally requested. Keep in mind that you will never get the color you want, and you will always have to pay for some kind of embellishment that you don't want, like a sun roof or an espresso maker in the glove compartment.
STEP 3, NEGOTIATING:
There are a number of online research tools that will provide statistics on the amount of money that you should pay for a particular vehicle. No two tools will show the same amount, and it doesn't matter, anyway, because your car salesman will dismiss any pricing literature as being biased because it is sponsored by [name one--another car company, OPEC, Michael Moore, the French government, Charles Manson, etc]. To determine how much you want to pay, you should look at the sticker price, lob 20% off of that, and come to terms with the fact that you're going to get fucked no matter what you do.
STEP 4, PURCHASING:
Once you are done negotiating, you will meet with a financing expert, who will promptly change the price upon which you have just agreed. This is because your financing expert will start tossing in extras without your knowledge. Watch your financing expert closely, because if you're not careful, you'll drive off the lot with a fifteen-year limited warranty on your cup holders.
Your financing expert will also try to steal your trade-in. He or she will say things like, "Well, I mean, your antique 1948 Rolls Royce isn't even LISTED in the Kelley Blue Book, so you're lucky we're giving you 87 cents for it." This is why you are better off trying to sell your car to a strung-out college student on Craigslist.
Well, Ted, I hope this helps! Remember, buying a new vehicle doesn't have to be a terrible experience. With my tips, Ted, your car-buying experience should be an easy and painless--oh, who am I kidding? It's going to be fucking awful. You'd better get started on a bottle of valium now.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Fashion
Dear Aunt Slugger,
Not only is October the time to brush up on Holiday baking and other various domestic duties, it is also the time to brush up on Fall Fashion and look forward to Spring 2010 trends. I have come across several new "trends" and I need your opinion. Sometimes (especially in the case of the sequined forehead heart) it is tough to differentiate the outrageously awful from the outrageously fabulous fashion idea:
1.) Sequin Heart on forehead? Lindsey Lohan was the artistic advisor for Ungaro's collection--made its debut in Paris this past week. Sexy? Office appropriate?
2.) "Mantyhose"---by lingerie designer Unconditional. Should I buy these for my (somewhere out there) boyfriend??
3.) "Tufted" fur jackets? Will PETA allow this? I do live in the Northeast, tough territory.
4.) "Baby Bump Pad" by Jean Paul Gaultier - I'm not pregnant, but isn't this the sexiest???!!!
Thanks for all your advice.
Sincerely,
Is the Baby Bump a Good Way to Get a Date?
Dear ITBBAGWTGAD,
I'd like to begin this column by thanking ITBBAGWTGAD for addressing this critical topic. Although recent data suggest that the world financial markets are on the road to recovery, we are still plagued by news of lay-offs around the country, which means that you, readers, need to act swiftly and shrewdly when it comes to making your spring fashion choices. Appearance is everything, and you wouldn't want to find out that you ended up on the chopping block because you wore the wrong shoes with your mantyhose.
First of all, let's be very clear on something: We here in the general populace cannot be relied upon to make avant-garde and fashion-forward decisions about our clothing. This is why we have fashion designers. Were it not for fashion designers, people would wear pajamas to work, high heels wouldn't exist, and President Barack Obama would give his state of the union address wearing nothing more than a fleece bathrobe and a shower cap, and we as a society wouldn't think anything of it. The only thing saving us from sinking to such depravity and comfort is the fashion community, and we should always defer to their judgment. If they send a woman down the runway wearing a hunting vest and a box of fish sticks, you should grab your rifle and tartar sauce and walk with confidence.
Unfortunately, due to strict, unwritten social guidelines, some items are not appropriate for some situations. So, while a giant sequin forehead heart might be considered acceptable or even desirable in a private equity firm, a rheumatologist's office might frown upon it, or at least only allow it on Fridays. The same goes for the tufted fur jacket. Many clubs and bars will ONLY allow you onto the premises if your clothing appears to serve no function whatsoever and is made from sloth carcasses, whereas other establishments have standing orders to club you to death if you wear anything other than a garment made entirely from recycled flaxseed. In these situations, you should use your best judgment, or ask a friend who might be familiar with the scene. If you can't gauge the dress code, it is ALWAYS best to err on the side of caution and wear your mantyhose.
As for the cutting-edge maternity shirt from Jean Paul Gaultier, I can think of no other single piece of maternity attire that says, "I am a classy, confident pregnant woman, and I shall wear this beautiful shirt that resembles--in both style and comfort level--a gladiator breastplate." You should wear this top regardless of your pregnancy status, as I can say with total confidence that this garment will net you a lot of attention from 19-year-old drunk college students, people who like to re-enact ancient battle scenes, and men who are legally blind.
Good luck navigating the fashion waters, readers!
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
(Photos courtesy www.nymag.com)
1.) Sequin Heart on forehead? Lindsey Lohan was the artistic advisor for Ungaro's collection--made its debut in Paris this past week. Sexy? Office appropriate?
2.) "Mantyhose"---by lingerie designer Unconditional. Should I buy these for my (somewhere out there) boyfriend??
3.) "Tufted" fur jackets? Will PETA allow this? I do live in the Northeast, tough territory.
4.) "Baby Bump Pad" by Jean Paul Gaultier - I'm not pregnant, but isn't this the sexiest???!!!
Thanks for all your advice.
Sincerely,
Is the Baby Bump a Good Way to Get a Date?
Dear ITBBAGWTGAD,
I'd like to begin this column by thanking ITBBAGWTGAD for addressing this critical topic. Although recent data suggest that the world financial markets are on the road to recovery, we are still plagued by news of lay-offs around the country, which means that you, readers, need to act swiftly and shrewdly when it comes to making your spring fashion choices. Appearance is everything, and you wouldn't want to find out that you ended up on the chopping block because you wore the wrong shoes with your mantyhose.
First of all, let's be very clear on something: We here in the general populace cannot be relied upon to make avant-garde and fashion-forward decisions about our clothing. This is why we have fashion designers. Were it not for fashion designers, people would wear pajamas to work, high heels wouldn't exist, and President Barack Obama would give his state of the union address wearing nothing more than a fleece bathrobe and a shower cap, and we as a society wouldn't think anything of it. The only thing saving us from sinking to such depravity and comfort is the fashion community, and we should always defer to their judgment. If they send a woman down the runway wearing a hunting vest and a box of fish sticks, you should grab your rifle and tartar sauce and walk with confidence.
Unfortunately, due to strict, unwritten social guidelines, some items are not appropriate for some situations. So, while a giant sequin forehead heart might be considered acceptable or even desirable in a private equity firm, a rheumatologist's office might frown upon it, or at least only allow it on Fridays. The same goes for the tufted fur jacket. Many clubs and bars will ONLY allow you onto the premises if your clothing appears to serve no function whatsoever and is made from sloth carcasses, whereas other establishments have standing orders to club you to death if you wear anything other than a garment made entirely from recycled flaxseed. In these situations, you should use your best judgment, or ask a friend who might be familiar with the scene. If you can't gauge the dress code, it is ALWAYS best to err on the side of caution and wear your mantyhose.
As for the cutting-edge maternity shirt from Jean Paul Gaultier, I can think of no other single piece of maternity attire that says, "I am a classy, confident pregnant woman, and I shall wear this beautiful shirt that resembles--in both style and comfort level--a gladiator breastplate." You should wear this top regardless of your pregnancy status, as I can say with total confidence that this garment will net you a lot of attention from 19-year-old drunk college students, people who like to re-enact ancient battle scenes, and men who are legally blind.
Good luck navigating the fashion waters, readers!
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
(Photos courtesy www.nymag.com)
Monday, October 5, 2009
Baking FAQ
Dear Readers,
Well, it's October already, and you know what that means! It means that the inspection sticker on my car is expired. But it also means that the holiday season is fast approaching, which means that you're going to be spending a lot of time in the kitchen--making cookies for your kids' teachers, roasting turkeys, baking pumpkin bread, and trying to get the cranberry sauce to come out of the can in one piece. So it is time for my annual holiday baking FAQ!!! The list below contains the questions I receive the most from you, my dear readers.
Happy baking!
Q: My pregnant wife thinks its okay to wear (and get dirty) my hooded sweatshirts and other clothes, but then she gets all up in my face when she doesn't have any clean panties because I've worn them and--
A: READERS, this is a FAMILY-ORIENTED BAKING FAQ. Please save this for another FAQ.
Q: I can't get my pie crust to turn out right. It's always soggy in the middle. Do you have any suggestions?
A: Common baking mishap. As it turns out, many pie crust recipes are lacking a critical ingredient called "pre-made pie crusts from the refrigerated dinner roll section." Add this ingredient to the pie pan first, and then mix your other ingredients and leave them on the counter.
Q: I would really like a 9-inch round springform pan, but it's expensive. Are there any substitutes?
A: Yes, a 9x13 casserole dish is actually the same thing. It's a marketing gimmick.
Q: Can I use butter to grease a baking sheet instead of cooking spray?
A: If you're trying to kill your family with saturated fat, then yes, by all means, use the butter, and see if you can look at yourself in the mirror the next morning, you selfish pig.
Q: Last weekend, I was making foie gras souffle with a duck confit, and I was whisking the egg whites when--
A: WOW, Julia Child, whenever you're done bragging--we can wait.
Q: No, I was just wondering whether--
A: We're still waiting.
Q: But...never mind.
A: Right.
Q: I am having a fondue party, and I am wondering what kind of cheese you'd recommend I use?
A: There are only two types of cheese, actually, that should be used for melting, cooking or baking, and these are plain Velveeta and pepperjack Velveeta. I'd recommend pepperjack for your fondue party, since plain Velveeta might seem a bit too pedestrian.
Q: I've heard that you can use applesauce in place of oil in brownies. Is this true?
A: If you would like tasteless, flavorless brownies that you can also use to scour your kitchen counter, then yes, applesauce is a great substitute.
Q: I mean, there's nothing wrong with wearing my wife's underwear--
A: You again--GET OFF THIS FAQ, DAMMIT.
Well, it's October already, and you know what that means! It means that the inspection sticker on my car is expired. But it also means that the holiday season is fast approaching, which means that you're going to be spending a lot of time in the kitchen--making cookies for your kids' teachers, roasting turkeys, baking pumpkin bread, and trying to get the cranberry sauce to come out of the can in one piece. So it is time for my annual holiday baking FAQ!!! The list below contains the questions I receive the most from you, my dear readers.
Happy baking!
Q: My pregnant wife thinks its okay to wear (and get dirty) my hooded sweatshirts and other clothes, but then she gets all up in my face when she doesn't have any clean panties because I've worn them and--
A: READERS, this is a FAMILY-ORIENTED BAKING FAQ. Please save this for another FAQ.
Q: I can't get my pie crust to turn out right. It's always soggy in the middle. Do you have any suggestions?
A: Common baking mishap. As it turns out, many pie crust recipes are lacking a critical ingredient called "pre-made pie crusts from the refrigerated dinner roll section." Add this ingredient to the pie pan first, and then mix your other ingredients and leave them on the counter.
Q: I would really like a 9-inch round springform pan, but it's expensive. Are there any substitutes?
A: Yes, a 9x13 casserole dish is actually the same thing. It's a marketing gimmick.
Q: Can I use butter to grease a baking sheet instead of cooking spray?
A: If you're trying to kill your family with saturated fat, then yes, by all means, use the butter, and see if you can look at yourself in the mirror the next morning, you selfish pig.
Q: Last weekend, I was making foie gras souffle with a duck confit, and I was whisking the egg whites when--
A: WOW, Julia Child, whenever you're done bragging--we can wait.
Q: No, I was just wondering whether--
A: We're still waiting.
Q: But...never mind.
A: Right.
Q: I am having a fondue party, and I am wondering what kind of cheese you'd recommend I use?
A: There are only two types of cheese, actually, that should be used for melting, cooking or baking, and these are plain Velveeta and pepperjack Velveeta. I'd recommend pepperjack for your fondue party, since plain Velveeta might seem a bit too pedestrian.
Q: I've heard that you can use applesauce in place of oil in brownies. Is this true?
A: If you would like tasteless, flavorless brownies that you can also use to scour your kitchen counter, then yes, applesauce is a great substitute.
Q: I mean, there's nothing wrong with wearing my wife's underwear--
A: You again--GET OFF THIS FAQ, DAMMIT.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Office microwaves
Dear Aunt Slugger:
I work in a small office where there is a communal microwave. On occasion, my coworkers like to reheat fish in this microwave, and it smells like a rotting orca corpse on a hot summer's day. What should I do?
Signed,
If I Wanted to Work in a Seaworld Graveyard I Would At Least Be Living Someplace Sunny
Dear IIWTWIASGIWALBLSS:
This question comes to us from Cambridge, Massachusetts, home of the world's most prestigious universities, top-notch scientific research firms, and an unsurpassed number of self-centered motherfuckers. What surprises me more than the fact that anyone would deem it appropriate to reheat fish in a communal microwave is the fact that IIWTWIASGIWALBLSS seems genuinely shocked by this behavior.
Cambridge is the same town where bicyclists regularly speed the wrong way down narrow one-way streets and then demand the Congressional Medal of Honor after transit buses accidentally plow them down like common roadkill. So we should not be surprised when a Cambridge resident throws some haddock with onion-n-garlic sauce on a paper towel, sets the microwave on high for eight minutes, and then walks away to post an angry blog entry complaining about how an ambulance sped through a green light and almost ran him over while he was running a red light on his bicycle in a pedestrian crosswalk.
But I digress. This is a particularly difficult situation because people who microwave fish are several levels removed from other, lesser offenders, like people who leave their egg salad sandwiches in the fridge for two weeks. Your basic egg salad offender will eventually respond to subtle comments like, "Is there a dead body in this fridge?" People who microwave fish, on the other hand, will never, ever take the hint.
You could try retaliating in kind by putting something equally horrific in the microwave, like a forty-pound bag of rancid clams marinating in venison broth, but this could only serve to encourage the offender, and before you know it, he or she will be preparing raw catfish on the office fax machine.
The real solution, IIWTWIASGIWALBLSS, is to change the offender's fundamental attitude toward microwaving fish. I'm not talking about sitting him down and politely telling him that he almost put two people in a coma the last time he had leftover swordfish; that will never work. The key is to get him to believe that he doesn't really want to microwave fish.
Fortunately, since you are located in Cambridge, this should be relatively easy. The average Cantabridgian (so called because "resident of Cambridge" is not considered pretentious enough) is extremely impressionable when it comes to health and health food. Work that angle. The next time you see the offender heading for the microwave, you should casually say, "I'm surprised you're microwaving that; I thought raw [whatever it is--salmon, crab legs, shark] was better for you because it has more [pick a scientific word--antioxidants, Omega-3s, botulism] than when you microwave it." NOTE: This won't work if the fish is part of one of those frozen meals that you see at the grocery store. In this case, you would be advised to just suck it up and take the destruction of property charge after you take a baseball bat to the microwave.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
I work in a small office where there is a communal microwave. On occasion, my coworkers like to reheat fish in this microwave, and it smells like a rotting orca corpse on a hot summer's day. What should I do?
Signed,
If I Wanted to Work in a Seaworld Graveyard I Would At Least Be Living Someplace Sunny
Dear IIWTWIASGIWALBLSS:
This question comes to us from Cambridge, Massachusetts, home of the world's most prestigious universities, top-notch scientific research firms, and an unsurpassed number of self-centered motherfuckers. What surprises me more than the fact that anyone would deem it appropriate to reheat fish in a communal microwave is the fact that IIWTWIASGIWALBLSS seems genuinely shocked by this behavior.
Cambridge is the same town where bicyclists regularly speed the wrong way down narrow one-way streets and then demand the Congressional Medal of Honor after transit buses accidentally plow them down like common roadkill. So we should not be surprised when a Cambridge resident throws some haddock with onion-n-garlic sauce on a paper towel, sets the microwave on high for eight minutes, and then walks away to post an angry blog entry complaining about how an ambulance sped through a green light and almost ran him over while he was running a red light on his bicycle in a pedestrian crosswalk.
But I digress. This is a particularly difficult situation because people who microwave fish are several levels removed from other, lesser offenders, like people who leave their egg salad sandwiches in the fridge for two weeks. Your basic egg salad offender will eventually respond to subtle comments like, "Is there a dead body in this fridge?" People who microwave fish, on the other hand, will never, ever take the hint.
You could try retaliating in kind by putting something equally horrific in the microwave, like a forty-pound bag of rancid clams marinating in venison broth, but this could only serve to encourage the offender, and before you know it, he or she will be preparing raw catfish on the office fax machine.
The real solution, IIWTWIASGIWALBLSS, is to change the offender's fundamental attitude toward microwaving fish. I'm not talking about sitting him down and politely telling him that he almost put two people in a coma the last time he had leftover swordfish; that will never work. The key is to get him to believe that he doesn't really want to microwave fish.
Fortunately, since you are located in Cambridge, this should be relatively easy. The average Cantabridgian (so called because "resident of Cambridge" is not considered pretentious enough) is extremely impressionable when it comes to health and health food. Work that angle. The next time you see the offender heading for the microwave, you should casually say, "I'm surprised you're microwaving that; I thought raw [whatever it is--salmon, crab legs, shark] was better for you because it has more [pick a scientific word--antioxidants, Omega-3s, botulism] than when you microwave it." NOTE: This won't work if the fish is part of one of those frozen meals that you see at the grocery store. In this case, you would be advised to just suck it up and take the destruction of property charge after you take a baseball bat to the microwave.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
Thursday, October 1, 2009
New home
Dear Aunt Slugger,
At the age of 33, I have just moved into what is essentially a single study dorm room. I share a bathroom with three complete strangers, although a short, excitable, Singaporean guy introduced himself and was very nice. Apparently, one of the other residents is 'an old lady - don't touch her boxes* - she'll know'.
How should I make this more of a home away from home?
Signed,
V of London
* these boxes are stacked on the couch in the communal lounge area
Dear V of London,
Normally, I would suggest that you hang up posters of majestic underwater scenes or kittens playing with yarn, even if you hate dolphins and cats. I would also suggest that you plug in one of those cookie-scented oil devices and crochet a doily that reads "Home is where the heart is." These suggestions would have the dual effect of making you feel more at home and boosting my popularity among middle-aged women in Kansas.
But your situation seems a bit more extreme, and the solution is much more complex than simply mounting a dead sea bass to your wall and waiting for your neighbors to turn up and ask if you'd like to go fishing with them.
You will need to establish your authority immediately, like in prison. Get a conspicuous tattoo, like a full-back portrait of a skeleton holding a sawed-off shotgun and riding a motorcycle. Make references to "heading upstate" on a "manslaughter beef" in the '90s. Be vague if you're asked whether you use heroin, and "inadvertently" leave a belt tied around your bicep while you're making pasta in the kitchen. Leave a ski mask and crowbar next to those boxes on the couch. Keep a box of hollow-point bullets in the silverware drawer. Mindlessly sharpen knives while you watch television. Maintain a cage of subway rats in your bedroom.
Use the Singaporean to your advantage. He could be a potential ally, or he could just mysteriously disappear if you need to send a stronger message to your housemates.
Once you are firmly established as the alpha roommate, you should feel free to settle in and make yourself at home by baking pies, curling up on the couch with a good book, and forcing your housemates to buff your feet and clip your toenails.
Good luck making your house a home!
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
At the age of 33, I have just moved into what is essentially a single study dorm room. I share a bathroom with three complete strangers, although a short, excitable, Singaporean guy introduced himself and was very nice. Apparently, one of the other residents is 'an old lady - don't touch her boxes* - she'll know'.
How should I make this more of a home away from home?
Signed,
V of London
* these boxes are stacked on the couch in the communal lounge area
Dear V of London,
Normally, I would suggest that you hang up posters of majestic underwater scenes or kittens playing with yarn, even if you hate dolphins and cats. I would also suggest that you plug in one of those cookie-scented oil devices and crochet a doily that reads "Home is where the heart is." These suggestions would have the dual effect of making you feel more at home and boosting my popularity among middle-aged women in Kansas.
But your situation seems a bit more extreme, and the solution is much more complex than simply mounting a dead sea bass to your wall and waiting for your neighbors to turn up and ask if you'd like to go fishing with them.
You will need to establish your authority immediately, like in prison. Get a conspicuous tattoo, like a full-back portrait of a skeleton holding a sawed-off shotgun and riding a motorcycle. Make references to "heading upstate" on a "manslaughter beef" in the '90s. Be vague if you're asked whether you use heroin, and "inadvertently" leave a belt tied around your bicep while you're making pasta in the kitchen. Leave a ski mask and crowbar next to those boxes on the couch. Keep a box of hollow-point bullets in the silverware drawer. Mindlessly sharpen knives while you watch television. Maintain a cage of subway rats in your bedroom.
Use the Singaporean to your advantage. He could be a potential ally, or he could just mysteriously disappear if you need to send a stronger message to your housemates.
Once you are firmly established as the alpha roommate, you should feel free to settle in and make yourself at home by baking pies, curling up on the couch with a good book, and forcing your housemates to buff your feet and clip your toenails.
Good luck making your house a home!
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
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