A Refresher on How to Not Be a Huge Pile of Festering Shit

Today, it came to my attention that a friend of mine from high school and her wife received a piece of hate mail. Or at least I think it was hate mail; it was only semi-literate. Apparently, the authors of this letter are in possession of a computer application wherein the end user chooses a bunch of religious words and then watches as the computer vomits a random assemblage of these words onto a piece of paper. (This application is also used to draft Tea Party speeches.) So the letter went something like this:

"God is watching satan praying for you blah blah blah"

And then, perhaps coincidentally, a collection of words resembling a sentence:

"God wants you to listen to this dvd, satan doesn't want you to."

Accompanying this letter was a DVD entitled, "Satanism and the Homosexual Agenda: A 1-Part Teaching by Pastor Joe Schimmel."

One thing I will say about the author(s) of this letter: They make my job easier. Low-hanging fruit, so to speak.

This will not be one of those columns you see where people list out all the other stuff in the Bible that modern religious extremists have chosen to ignore despite their steadfast grip on the one liner anti-gay clause in the Old Testament. This argument never works. "The Bible advocates [something ridiculous, like eating babies]! Do you do that?" LGBT advocates will say in response to the Bible-thumping homophobes. You can't go down this path. It's not helpful. Because the answer is probably yes. Bible-thumping homophobes probably do eat babies. These fuckers have some skeletons in their closets that would make Ted Bundy look like Big Bird, and no one needs to see that.

Normally I wouldn't address the authors of this letter. People who write hate mail like this and then go out of their way to obtain a DVD featuring a pastor whose name makes him sound suspiciously like a Nazi war criminal are beyond my help. They won't (can't?) read this column, and even if they did, they would denounce it as Satan's influence and send me hate mail that would probably offend me if I could muddle through all the grammatical errors.

But say that you do own nine copies of Heinrich Himmler's Joe Schimmel's one part series on Satanism and the Homosexual Agenda. And say also that you can read this (a suspicious claim at best, but fine). Here is my advice to you.

It's 2013. Get over it. Mentally, you're stuck in 1837, though honestly, for everyone's sake, I wish you were there physically, too.

Aunt Slugger Advice Column Temporarily Suspended Due to Government Shutdown

***Due to the government shutdown, "Dear Aunt Slugger" is being replaced with "Ask Senator Ted Cruz."***

Dear Senator Ted Cruz, 

Hello, I am hoping you can help me. I am employed by the Department of the Interior as a contracting officer, and I have been furloughed due to the government shut down. I do not have much in savings since I used it to pay for my grandma's gall bladder surgery, and I am wondering if you can give me an ETA on when I will get paid again. 

Thank you, 
Jefferson T. MacIntosh, Houston, TX

Jefferson! So good to hear from a fellow Texan! Well, let me tell you buddy, we are THIS close to making a decision. Realllll close. The problem is the Obama administration and their refusal to accept a budget -

Sorry for interrupting, Senator Cruz, but I thought the problem was that you are refusing to fund the Affordable Care Act. 

The what? The Affordable Care Act? No no no, we are definitely going to fund that-

Whoops, sorry again. The Affordable Care Act, AKA Obamacare.

Oh! Sorry! Hahahaha! You know how I get my acts confused. Well, as you know, Barack Hussein Obamacare is a Marxist concept foisted upon the American people by the socialists who have infiltrated the -

Hi again. I really hate to keep interrupting you, but I thought Obamacare was legislation that was passed by democratically elected officials in the United States Congress. 

Boy, you sure are annoying with all your so called "facts," Jefferson. Who told you that? Did you hear that in some underground socialist newspaper put together by the liberal Jews in Hollywood?

Well...um...the Senate website? 

I'm kind of over you and your loud mouth, Jefferson. Next question.

Dear Senator Ted Cruz, 

I am a 28-year-old male, and I met this really nice guy on match.com. We went bowling on our first date and then had dinner at Olive Garden on our - 

Jesus Christ, gays eat at the Olive Garden? My kids ate there just the other day! I'll introduce an amendment to keep that from happening again.

 I...um...wasn't expecting that reaction...um..so -

Oh my GOD, you and your pro-gay rhetoric. Let me guess: You're teaching your gay agenda in the classroom.

I'm a marine biologist in Tampa. 

I always thought manatees seemed gay. Next. 

Dear Senator Ted Cruz, 

Hello. I was recently diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic with violent tendencies, and I can't - 

Is this another sob story about not being able to get your medication? This needs to stop. You know, if you would just suck it up and deal with the voices in your head, maybe then you wouldn't need that damn medication. I broke my toe once and you didn't see me heading straight to CVS for some meds. I toughed it out like a man.

Actually, I was going to say I can't afford a new assault rifle. I passed the background check with flying colors, but weapons are just too expensive. 

Well, that is just a tragedy right there, son. That should never happen. A man has the right to defend his home from any invaders, real or imagined. I'll introduce legislation in your name.