A Refresher on How to Not Be a Huge Pile of Festering Shit

Today, it came to my attention that a friend of mine from high school and her wife received a piece of hate mail. Or at least I think it was hate mail; it was only semi-literate. Apparently, the authors of this letter are in possession of a computer application wherein the end user chooses a bunch of religious words and then watches as the computer vomits a random assemblage of these words onto a piece of paper. (This application is also used to draft Tea Party speeches.) So the letter went something like this:

"God is watching satan praying for you blah blah blah"

And then, perhaps coincidentally, a collection of words resembling a sentence:

"God wants you to listen to this dvd, satan doesn't want you to."

Accompanying this letter was a DVD entitled, "Satanism and the Homosexual Agenda: A 1-Part Teaching by Pastor Joe Schimmel."

One thing I will say about the author(s) of this letter: They make my job easier. Low-hanging fruit, so to speak.

This will not be one of those columns you see where people list out all the other stuff in the Bible that modern religious extremists have chosen to ignore despite their steadfast grip on the one liner anti-gay clause in the Old Testament. This argument never works. "The Bible advocates [something ridiculous, like eating babies]! Do you do that?" LGBT advocates will say in response to the Bible-thumping homophobes. You can't go down this path. It's not helpful. Because the answer is probably yes. Bible-thumping homophobes probably do eat babies. These fuckers have some skeletons in their closets that would make Ted Bundy look like Big Bird, and no one needs to see that.

Normally I wouldn't address the authors of this letter. People who write hate mail like this and then go out of their way to obtain a DVD featuring a pastor whose name makes him sound suspiciously like a Nazi war criminal are beyond my help. They won't (can't?) read this column, and even if they did, they would denounce it as Satan's influence and send me hate mail that would probably offend me if I could muddle through all the grammatical errors.

But say that you do own nine copies of Heinrich Himmler's Joe Schimmel's one part series on Satanism and the Homosexual Agenda. And say also that you can read this (a suspicious claim at best, but fine). Here is my advice to you.

It's 2013. Get over it. Mentally, you're stuck in 1837, though honestly, for everyone's sake, I wish you were there physically, too.

Critical Public Service Announcement RE: Obamacare

Dear Aunt Slugger,

I am wondering if you can help me. I was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, but I am unable to afford my medication, so I can't keep my job -

Let me stop you right there, Shakes. You can't afford your medication? Are you kidding me? Look, buddy, I don't have all day to listen to your sob stories about not being able to climb stairs without tripping or needing someone to cut your food for you. This is AMERICA. You KNEW there was a chance you could get Parkinson's because your great Aunt Nancy had shaky hands, and yet what did you do? You went ahead and you got a job that doesn't pay well. Whose fault is that? You gotta PLAN AHEAD. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and PLAN FOR -

Oh whoops! Sorry! I thought I was a selfish dick Republican Congressperson for a hot minute there!

Once again, here at Aunt Slugger HQ, we find ourselves issuing another

CRITICAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

because people need to be told about themselves.

Your Aunt Slugger has been hearing a lot of whining about Obamacare these days, and I'm going to say it: If you do not believe that everyone deserves access to quality medical care, you CANNOT CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN. Are we perfectly clear on this? YOU ARE NOT A CHRISTIAN; YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. These are mutually exclusive concepts but people seem to think they are able to simultaneously call themselves Christians and maintain Epic Asshole Status (EAS) by making claims like, "Hospitals have to treat you" (they do not) and "Why should I pay for someone else's cirrhosis of the liver?" (Because we are not Neanderthals.)

Providing quality medical care to all people, regardless of their income or immigration status or race or bad decisions, is what developed nations do. We are not some backwoods, third-world toilet. And quite frankly, Obamacare is not even a real universal health care system. In a real universal system, you'd be insured by the government and you'd actually pay a real tax rate on your capital gains to fund this system. Relying on charitable organizations to provide healthcare to the poor and uninsured is like relying on your drunk uncle. Sometimes he's the life of the party, but sometimes he's passed out in front of the liquor store at 10am. (If you did not get that metaphor, I am referring to the 2008 economic meltdown, where charitable organizations suddenly found themselves groveling for cash and could not provide many of the services they wanted to provide.) (If you still do not understand this metaphor, you are probably opposed to Obamacare.)

I realize this is a controversial subject, but only because the people on the other side of this debate are selfish jerks. I stand by that statement. Paying an appropriate amount in taxes to ensure that your neighbor with a compromised immune system doesn't die from a hangnail is the right thing to do. People should not live in fear of tripping on a Barbie doll in the living room and ending up in the hospital.

(Though if I were opposed to Obamacare, I would probably say, "WELL HOW CAN YOU AFFORD A BARBIE DOLL BUT NOT HEALTH INSURANCE?" because that's obviously the next logical question.)

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger

Aunt Slugger is Job Hunting

Readers:

Let it now be known that your Aunt Slugger is officially putting her resume out there. I am job searching. I have a very specific job in mind, though: I would like to be a public relations specialist.

I should clarify a little: I would like to be a straightforward public relations specialist. For a company that knows what its position is and just doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks about that position. I think I would excel in this role.

Today I read this article about how the makers of the Oreo sandwich cookie posted a picture of an Oreo with rainbow filling in support of the LGBT community. I actually hate this photo because they are not actually producing this Oreo sandwich cookie. It is a feat of graphic design, sort of like the highly misleading graphic of the new Creamsicle Oreo. The actual Creamsicle Oreo is much less impressive in person, but at least you can buy and consume a Creamsicle Oreo, which is more than we can say for the rainbow Oreo. Fucking letdown of the century.

Anyway, as you would expect (and as mentioned in the article), the rainbow Oreo brought all kinds of homophobic freaks out of the woodwork. I really don't know why this surprises anyone any more. Society has always had these fuckers, and they are fucking insane - sitting around, drafting 20-page treatises on the perils of [insert something: alcohol, socialism, Communism, black people, gay people] when the real peril is the fact that the authors of these treatises are maintaining a storage unit filled with eyeballs and livers and shit. Because the truth is, you can't be that much of a zealot about such a non-issue and not be a closet serial killer. It's not possible.

So the Oreo people responded as follows:

"We are excited to illustrate what is making history today in a fun and playful way."

And

“As a company, Kraft Foods has a proud history of celebrating diversity and inclusiveness.  We feel the OREO ad is a fun reflection of our values.”

What the fuck is that response? Put some muscle into it, dammit. This is why your Aunt Slugger wants to be a spokesperson for a company, so that I can respond to angry Facebook rants about pride Oreos. If Aunt Slugger had been in charge of Oreo PR, and if ABC news had asked Aunt Slugger to comment on the backlash against the rainbow Oreo, I would've said what everyone is thinking:

"Are these people fucking serious? You know why we did this? Because we fucking could. Because we make a tasty-ass sandwich cookie that I fucking DARE YOU to try to boycott. Guess you can't have cookies-n-cream when you go to Baskin Robbins now, can you? And you just cut your McFlurry options by like 33%. And just TRY explaining to your next covert Craigslist casual encounter why you can't binge on Oreos despite just smoking half a bowl of marijuana out of his ear. TRY TO HATE OUR DELICIOUS RAINBOW OREO, YOU CRUSTY OLD SCAB."

I am hoping there is a company out there who will find a use for such an approach. I have no experience or education in the field, and my work history is in finance and advice column-writing. Please email me at auntslugger@gmail.com if you are interested.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Dear Aunt Slugger,

So what did you do this morning while you were getting your oil changed for the first time in six thousand miles/one year?

Sincerely,

Norm in Grand Forks

Dear Norm,

Well, your Aunt Slugger is slogging through the last chapters of a book called "The Beautiful Cigar Girl," which is about Edgar Allan Poe's attempt to solve a real-life murder using a fictional story. Your Aunt Slugger has a tendency to read ABOUT authors without suffering the indignity of reading their actual work. I like reading about authors because they are usually sloppy messes. (This is why I also like reading about investment professionals, religious zealots, and Ayn Rand fans.)

I did read the occasional Poe poem or short story in high school, but I've never been a literature buff, especially when it comes to poetry. I honestly cannot discern between the tragic ramblings of a semi-literate teenage girl who can't find a prom dress and anything ever written by Sylvia Plath. But I do like history, particularly the history of weird people, so I am moderately well-read for someone who hates poetry and enjoys eating bar cheez out of the tub.

Anyway, so I had some time to kill during my 1.5 hour oil change, and I came across a reference to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in my book. Since I know nothing about him (and certainly have no intention of learning about him by reading his poetry), I decided to see if Amazon had any biographies of him. I came across this one.

The book itself is fairly non-descript and exactly the sort of bullshit that your Aunt Slugger would read, save for the fact that Longfellow may be the exception to the writers-as-walking-insane-asylums rule. What I like most about this book is not the book itself but one of the Amazon.com reviews of the book, from "Rob Jacques, Technical Writer:"

"Of course you know Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was once literarily important and famous. Of course you've read 'Paul Revere's Ride,' 'The Wreck of the Hesperus,' 'The Children's Hour,' and 'A Psalm of Life.' And one of your favorite Christmas carols has always been 'Christmas Bells.'"

I, for one, am personally relieved that we have Rob Jacques, Technical Writer, to remind us what we have and have not read and which Christmas carols we do and do not enjoy. And there is no better place to jog our memory about these matters than in an Amazon.com review. 

I am truly hopeful that he offers a class on writing pretentious multi-paragraph product reviews.

And then I look forward to reading a biography about him. 

Sincerely, 

Aunt Slugger