Aunt Slugger Advice Column Temporarily Suspended Due to Government Shutdown

***Due to the government shutdown, "Dear Aunt Slugger" is being replaced with "Ask Senator Ted Cruz."***

Dear Senator Ted Cruz, 

Hello, I am hoping you can help me. I am employed by the Department of the Interior as a contracting officer, and I have been furloughed due to the government shut down. I do not have much in savings since I used it to pay for my grandma's gall bladder surgery, and I am wondering if you can give me an ETA on when I will get paid again. 

Thank you, 
Jefferson T. MacIntosh, Houston, TX

Jefferson! So good to hear from a fellow Texan! Well, let me tell you buddy, we are THIS close to making a decision. Realllll close. The problem is the Obama administration and their refusal to accept a budget -

Sorry for interrupting, Senator Cruz, but I thought the problem was that you are refusing to fund the Affordable Care Act. 

The what? The Affordable Care Act? No no no, we are definitely going to fund that-

Whoops, sorry again. The Affordable Care Act, AKA Obamacare.

Oh! Sorry! Hahahaha! You know how I get my acts confused. Well, as you know, Barack Hussein Obamacare is a Marxist concept foisted upon the American people by the socialists who have infiltrated the -

Hi again. I really hate to keep interrupting you, but I thought Obamacare was legislation that was passed by democratically elected officials in the United States Congress. 

Boy, you sure are annoying with all your so called "facts," Jefferson. Who told you that? Did you hear that in some underground socialist newspaper put together by the liberal Jews in Hollywood?

Well...um...the Senate website? 

I'm kind of over you and your loud mouth, Jefferson. Next question.

Dear Senator Ted Cruz, 

I am a 28-year-old male, and I met this really nice guy on match.com. We went bowling on our first date and then had dinner at Olive Garden on our - 

Jesus Christ, gays eat at the Olive Garden? My kids ate there just the other day! I'll introduce an amendment to keep that from happening again.

 I...um...wasn't expecting that reaction...um..so -

Oh my GOD, you and your pro-gay rhetoric. Let me guess: You're teaching your gay agenda in the classroom.

I'm a marine biologist in Tampa. 

I always thought manatees seemed gay. Next. 

Dear Senator Ted Cruz, 

Hello. I was recently diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic with violent tendencies, and I can't - 

Is this another sob story about not being able to get your medication? This needs to stop. You know, if you would just suck it up and deal with the voices in your head, maybe then you wouldn't need that damn medication. I broke my toe once and you didn't see me heading straight to CVS for some meds. I toughed it out like a man.

Actually, I was going to say I can't afford a new assault rifle. I passed the background check with flying colors, but weapons are just too expensive. 

Well, that is just a tragedy right there, son. That should never happen. A man has the right to defend his home from any invaders, real or imagined. I'll introduce legislation in your name.



 

Vaccinating Your Kids

Dear Aunt Slugger,

I am the father of a one-year-old baby. I am trying to decide whether to vaccinate him and I was wondering what your thoughts are, as a professional advice columnist with no medical training?

Sincerely,
Norman W. Carpenter, Fond du Lac, Wisconsin

Hi Norman,

It turns out that you have come to the right place, because despite my lack of formal medical training, I am literate, which is actually the only skill you need in determining whether to vaccinate your kids. I also, as it turns out, probably have a few screws loose because there is nothing I enjoy more than a good non-fiction book about diseases. I wish I were joking, but I am not. A quick look at my Amazon.com wish list and you find yourself asking if I'm cooking up biological weapons in my kitchen or if I just like to read about bleeding from the eyes.

Over the years, I have read books about smallpox, ebola, polio, rabies, and prion diseases, among other various horrifying and tragic conditions. I distinctly remember reading the ebola book on the elliptical at the gym and looking down at the handles and thinking maybe I should just hit those with some Clorox nine more times. And the rabies book had me side-eying my indoor cat.

One of the many takeaways from most of these books is that many viruses that once haunted humanity are no longer a threat to us because of vaccines. For those of you who do not recall any smallpox outbreaks (and if you live in a developed nation, you do not), smallpox is NOT. A. DAMN. JOKE. It had a ridiculously high fatality rate and was horrifically painful. Finding a vaccine for it and eradicating it is one of the great medical triumphs in human history. 

And then you've got polio. If you are nostalgic for simpler times, like the 1940s, then don't vaccinate against polio and see how you like living out your days in an iron lung. Or measles. If you love blind children, then by all means, don't vaccinate against measles.

The reasons people cite for not vaccinating are stupid. Yes, I said it: Stupid. This (and the fact that I never went to medical school) is why I am not a doctor. Because as a doctor, you can't really tell your patients that they're dumb as shit for not vaccinating. Your Aunt Slugger's bedside manner would be atrocious and the only patients I would be able to treat would have to be in a coma.

People, for the love of Christ, vaccinate your children. And you don't have to trust me, your advice columnist-turned-armchair unlicensed physician. Listen to the Mayo Clinic. Listen to the World Health Organization. Listen to the American Academy of Pediatrics. Do not listen to the anti-vaccine whackjobs who were thoroughly and effectively ridiculed in this episode of Penn & Teller.

Also, to the upper middle class white people that this article had to call out: CUT IT OUT. Or look at a picture of someone with hemorrhagic smallpox and tell me you're glad he or she didn't vaccinate. He might be dead, but at least he doesn't have extra mercury in his system!

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger