Dear Aunt Slugger,
Are you married? If not, I think I would like to propose. Please let me know via a notarized affidavit if you are interested.
Sincerely,
Inmate #58791, Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary
I will grant you, Inmate #58791, that your offer is appealing. You have stable housing and possibly access to cable television, which are two qualities I find attractive in a potential life mate. However, your window of opportunity has closed, because just this weekend, your Aunt Slugger received another marriage proposal, and she accepted it.
Yes, readers, you read that correctly. Your Aunt Slugger is engaged to be married. Your Aunt Slugger is very excited about this proposal, because being a married woman will lend some credibility to my advice columns about how to keep your husband happy, since we all know this is a topic your Aunt Slugger blogs about frequently.*
Your Aunt Slugger's paramour proposed to her with the caveat that your Aunt Slugger be responsible for selecting the ring. "I do not want to be held responsible," he said, "for making that decision." After shooting down my suggestion that we buy an Angry Birds ring from one of those grocery store vending machines, he took your Aunt Slugger ring shopping.
Now might be a good time to share with my readers a story from my youth so that you may have some context. When your Aunt Slugger was in the fourth grade, she entered a contest at a local mall to guess the number of Legos it took to build a giant Lego astronaut that was featured in this mall. A few weeks later, I received a letter saying I had won the contest and that the prize was $500 in gift certificates to this mall.
Bear in mind that I would be thrilled with such a prize NOW, let alone when I was roughly nine years old. It was like winning the lottery.
So my mother took me to this mall so that I might spend some of my winnings. Our first stop was the now-defunct L.S. Ayres department store, where I decided I wanted some jewels to complement my fashionable wardrobe of dog sweatshirts. My mother wisely steered me toward the costume jewelry section because I did not know the difference. I proceeded to select about five hideously tacky rings before my mother finally told me to call it quits on the jewels. But I did get my rings, and they were delightful. My mother winced uncomfortably when I would wear them.
Fast forward to today. Little has changed, except that I now have a job and am not constrained by my mother's jewelry store interventions. I buy 98% of my jewelry from established jewel dealers like Forever 21 and Claire's Boutique. I am always the oldest person in either of these stores.
So it goes without saying here that your Aunt Slugger does not belong in a regular jewelry store. And I certainly do not belong in the engagement ring section of a jewelry store. Yesterday, your Aunt Slugger and this poor dude who proposed to her went to a nice jewelry store, where the guy behind the counter looked as though he was fighting off an aneurysm the whole time we were in the store.
"I think I don't like this rectangle here," I said.
"The emerald cut," he said.
Well EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME. I took geometry in high school, and I know a rectangle when I see one. And that was a rectangle. If it were a dodecahedron, fine. That doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Call it something else. But your basic jewelry shapes are circle, rectangle, square, flat square, and square with rounded edges.
So it goes without saying that your Aunt Slugger has not yet found a ring, or even a jeweler who does not have one hand on the panic button the whole time she is in the store.
But that does not mean that she is not still very excited. I am busily working on my next column, "How to Keep Dinner Warm While Your Husband Is Working Late."**
Very sincerely yours,
Aunt Slugger
*Never.
**Tell him to put it in the microwave; this isn't rocket science.
Answering life's deepest questions
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Easily Among the Top Ten Greatest Marketing Failures in American History
Your Aunt Slugger doesn't check her mail much. I'd like to say that this is because I have moved to paperless billing and am thereby reducing wasteful mailings, but this is definitely not true. No, your Aunt Slugger does not check her mail much because the mailbox is in a centrally located building in her apartment complex, and it is out of her way. And by "out of her way," your Aunt Slugger means, "not right next to her door."
Your Aunt Slugger also receives a great deal of junk mail. Almost an unprecedented amount of junk mail. I trace this back to an ill-advised purchase I made from a coin dealer. Your Aunt Slugger does not collect coins, nor does she have strong feelings about coins one way or the other. But I saw this article about a glow-in-the-dark Canadian quarter and figured this coin would make a nice, if not sophisticated, addition to my curio cabinet full of Muppets glasses. I paid $35 for this coin, waited six months to get it, and then also received a commemorative Elvis coin for my patience. I have subsequently received a number of phone calls from this coin dealer, including one where I was sucked into the conversation with tales of a special panda coin.
"Well that sounds interesting," I said. "How much does that cost?"
"Two thousand dollars."
So my coin collection still only consists of the dinosaur coin, the commemorative Elvis coin, and a gold coin that I found on the ground and initially thought was a unique foreign coin until I realized it was a Chuck E. Cheese token.
Anyway, back to my original point: I am fairly certain I receive a lot of junk mail because the coin people sold my name and information to anyone out there who has a product to sell. All of this junk mail goes in the recycling bin, but I do have to sift through it for real mail, like letters from my grandmother and pamphlets advertising pizza deals.
So yesterday I finally dug into my pile of junk mail, and in this pile was what may be the single weirdest item I have ever received in the mail: an offer to subscribe to a magazine entitled "Angels on Earth." I decided to open this piece of mail. Below is the text of the letter, altered only slightly to use my legal name, Aunt Slugger.
I received an offer of three free gifts if I take them up on their offer of a free issue: A 2014 angel wall calendar, an angel afghan, and a mystery gift. I also received two FREE personalized bookmarks and a tear-out blessing card, presumably so I can give it to the Israelites and save their souls.
Your Aunt Slugger is not disparaging the people who subscribe to this magazine. People are allowed to believe in angels and read about them. But your Aunt Slugger is DEFINITELY disparaging the FUCKING IDIOT who thought your Aunt Slugger was in this magazine's target market. Yes, I realize that these marketing folks cast a wide net to try to reel in a few fish. But this...this net was too big. A glow-in-the-dark dinosaur coin DOES NOT an angel enthusiast make.
I also find it hard to believe that angels support mass mailings, or that they would charge me $14.95 for a bi-monthly magazine about them, but then again, I am no expert. I took a few Renaissance art history classes in college, and the only thing angels seemed to do in the sixteenth century was hand out white lilies to the Virgin Mary over and over and over and over again. So really, what do I know.
If anyone needs two free bookmarks or a blessing card to convert the heathens, you know how to reach me.
Your Aunt Slugger also receives a great deal of junk mail. Almost an unprecedented amount of junk mail. I trace this back to an ill-advised purchase I made from a coin dealer. Your Aunt Slugger does not collect coins, nor does she have strong feelings about coins one way or the other. But I saw this article about a glow-in-the-dark Canadian quarter and figured this coin would make a nice, if not sophisticated, addition to my curio cabinet full of Muppets glasses. I paid $35 for this coin, waited six months to get it, and then also received a commemorative Elvis coin for my patience. I have subsequently received a number of phone calls from this coin dealer, including one where I was sucked into the conversation with tales of a special panda coin.
"Well that sounds interesting," I said. "How much does that cost?"
"Two thousand dollars."
So my coin collection still only consists of the dinosaur coin, the commemorative Elvis coin, and a gold coin that I found on the ground and initially thought was a unique foreign coin until I realized it was a Chuck E. Cheese token.
Anyway, back to my original point: I am fairly certain I receive a lot of junk mail because the coin people sold my name and information to anyone out there who has a product to sell. All of this junk mail goes in the recycling bin, but I do have to sift through it for real mail, like letters from my grandmother and pamphlets advertising pizza deals.
So yesterday I finally dug into my pile of junk mail, and in this pile was what may be the single weirdest item I have ever received in the mail: an offer to subscribe to a magazine entitled "Angels on Earth." I decided to open this piece of mail. Below is the text of the letter, altered only slightly to use my legal name, Aunt Slugger.
I received an offer of three free gifts if I take them up on their offer of a free issue: A 2014 angel wall calendar, an angel afghan, and a mystery gift. I also received two FREE personalized bookmarks and a tear-out blessing card, presumably so I can give it to the Israelites and save their souls.
Your Aunt Slugger is not disparaging the people who subscribe to this magazine. People are allowed to believe in angels and read about them. But your Aunt Slugger is DEFINITELY disparaging the FUCKING IDIOT who thought your Aunt Slugger was in this magazine's target market. Yes, I realize that these marketing folks cast a wide net to try to reel in a few fish. But this...this net was too big. A glow-in-the-dark dinosaur coin DOES NOT an angel enthusiast make.
I also find it hard to believe that angels support mass mailings, or that they would charge me $14.95 for a bi-monthly magazine about them, but then again, I am no expert. I took a few Renaissance art history classes in college, and the only thing angels seemed to do in the sixteenth century was hand out white lilies to the Virgin Mary over and over and over and over again. So really, what do I know.
If anyone needs two free bookmarks or a blessing card to convert the heathens, you know how to reach me.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
When Idiots Are Given Access to Technology
Here at Aunt Slugger HQ, we do still periodically find ourselves amazed by what people are willing to put on the internet. And here I am not referring to videos of animals bathing in time with an intolerably high-pitched version of a Bobby Darin song, because really, that's art. No, what I am referring to are people who do not realize that the magnitude of their ignorance is a.) not recordable by any standard cognitive tests, and b.) so outrageous it's comical.
The story I am referring to is, of course, the Twitter response to a performance of "God Bless America" at the All-Star baseball game. It seems that Marc Anthony, a well-known singer from New York, sang this song at the game. Your Aunt Slugger is actually familiar with Marc Anthony, despite being almost clinically unable to match a song with its artist; I was introduced to Marc Anthony in college, when a classmate in my "International Political Economy" class invited me over for a study group and played this song on repeat. So whenever I hear or read about Marc Anthony, I think about the 1997 Asian financial crisis.
Anyway, it seems that our fellow Americans took to Twitter en force to bitch about "a Mexican singing God Bless America."
Some examples of these Tweets include, but are not limited to, the following:
So to my foreign-born readers who sometimes think their English isn't great, or who are embarrassed by their language skills, stop. Because here we have a group of Americans who were born and educated here, and they are barely literate. You are already ahead of them.
And with that, I am going to go listen to some more Marc Anthony and think about Alan Greenspan.
The story I am referring to is, of course, the Twitter response to a performance of "God Bless America" at the All-Star baseball game. It seems that Marc Anthony, a well-known singer from New York, sang this song at the game. Your Aunt Slugger is actually familiar with Marc Anthony, despite being almost clinically unable to match a song with its artist; I was introduced to Marc Anthony in college, when a classmate in my "International Political Economy" class invited me over for a study group and played this song on repeat. So whenever I hear or read about Marc Anthony, I think about the 1997 Asian financial crisis.
Anyway, it seems that our fellow Americans took to Twitter en force to bitch about "a Mexican singing God Bless America."
Some examples of these Tweets include, but are not limited to, the following:
- "How they going to pick a got (sic) damn Mexican to sing God Bless AMERICA?"
- "Shouldnt (sic) an AMERICAN be signing (sic) God Bless America? #getoutofmycountry #allstargame"
- "Another disgrace (sic) Marc Anthony singing god (sic) bless (sic) America. Is he even an American citizen?"
So to my foreign-born readers who sometimes think their English isn't great, or who are embarrassed by their language skills, stop. Because here we have a group of Americans who were born and educated here, and they are barely literate. You are already ahead of them.
And with that, I am going to go listen to some more Marc Anthony and think about Alan Greenspan.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
At least it's not 1955, right? Right...?
As a white person, your Aunt Slugger does occasionally find herself in situations where other white people, assuming that because your Aunt Slugger is white she will "understand," make racist remarks to her. Examples include, but are not limited to, the following:
Periodically, there will be long stretches of time between these comments, and with the passage of time comes a mellowing of my opinions on exactly how many people are racists. And I think how far we have come as a society. I read books like this one and I think, "Well, at least no one is shipping himself to Philadelphia in a box to escape slavery any more." Progress.
And then there is the story of Emmett Till. Emmett Till was a black kid from Chicago who spoke to a white woman in Mississippi and was beaten beyond recognition to his death because of that. This was in 1955. The white murderers were positively identified by a black witness in the courtroom (which in and of itself was an event, for a black man to openly show anything other than deference to whites). The jury acquitted the defendants after about an hour, with one juror reporting that it would have taken less time had they not taken a break to get soda.
You read that, and you think, "By god, we have come so far." And I am not denying that there has been progress. The George Zimmerman jurors, for example, at least had the decency not to tell us they took an eighteen hour soda break.
But then there is this case. A black defendant, exercising the "Stand Your Ground" law in Florida, fired warning shots to keep her abusive husband away. She did not kill her husband. No one died.
And the jury found her guilty in fifteen minutes. They were apparently not in the mood for soda.
The point of all this is that I find myself once again issuing a
CRITICAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.
If you do not believe racism still exists, and that blacks and other minorities are not marginalized by our society's laws, policies, and judicial system, you are - and I mean no offense here - clinically brain dead. To be a white person and not understand that white people are afforded certain luxuries, like being statistically less likely to be shot by armed vigilantes, assumed to be bilking the welfare system, or being profiled by law enforcement officials, then YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. YOU are the reason a jury acquitted George Zimmerman. YOU are the reason that minorities are still haunted, years later, by Plessy vs. Ferguson and Jim Crow. You are the reason.
And you will probably dismiss your Aunt Slugger as a bleeding heart white liberal. And this is fine. Because at least I am not you.
- "You probably don't want to buy a house in that town. The schools are, shall I say...diverse?"
- "The blacks can stop complaining now that we have a black guy in the White House."
- "Is it bad that when you said what the charges were, I knew the defendant was black?"
- "I am glad that Barack Obama isn't acting like some 'homie.'"
Periodically, there will be long stretches of time between these comments, and with the passage of time comes a mellowing of my opinions on exactly how many people are racists. And I think how far we have come as a society. I read books like this one and I think, "Well, at least no one is shipping himself to Philadelphia in a box to escape slavery any more." Progress.
And then there is the story of Emmett Till. Emmett Till was a black kid from Chicago who spoke to a white woman in Mississippi and was beaten beyond recognition to his death because of that. This was in 1955. The white murderers were positively identified by a black witness in the courtroom (which in and of itself was an event, for a black man to openly show anything other than deference to whites). The jury acquitted the defendants after about an hour, with one juror reporting that it would have taken less time had they not taken a break to get soda.
You read that, and you think, "By god, we have come so far." And I am not denying that there has been progress. The George Zimmerman jurors, for example, at least had the decency not to tell us they took an eighteen hour soda break.
But then there is this case. A black defendant, exercising the "Stand Your Ground" law in Florida, fired warning shots to keep her abusive husband away. She did not kill her husband. No one died.
And the jury found her guilty in fifteen minutes. They were apparently not in the mood for soda.
The point of all this is that I find myself once again issuing a
CRITICAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.
If you do not believe racism still exists, and that blacks and other minorities are not marginalized by our society's laws, policies, and judicial system, you are - and I mean no offense here - clinically brain dead. To be a white person and not understand that white people are afforded certain luxuries, like being statistically less likely to be shot by armed vigilantes, assumed to be bilking the welfare system, or being profiled by law enforcement officials, then YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. YOU are the reason a jury acquitted George Zimmerman. YOU are the reason that minorities are still haunted, years later, by Plessy vs. Ferguson and Jim Crow. You are the reason.
And you will probably dismiss your Aunt Slugger as a bleeding heart white liberal. And this is fine. Because at least I am not you.
Friday, July 12, 2013
A New Entry in the Guinness Book of World Records
Dear Aunt Slugger,
What do you think about the George Zimmerman trial, and what do you think of its broader implications?
Sincerely,
Margaret D. Tomkins, Milwaukee
Hello Margaret,
It's funny you should bring this up, Margaret D. Tomkins of Milwaukee, because I was just thinking about this as I was reading this morning's paper. I was drinking an iced tea from Starbucks and reading an op-ed piece about how the prosecution hasn't proven its case beyond a reasonable doubt, and how he will probably walk. And it does kind of sound as though there is reasonable doubt from a legal perspective, despite the fact that the fuckstick is clearly a murderer.
And as I was reading this, I said to myself, "You know, maybe now, when George Zimmerman walks free after shooting an unarmed teenager, we as a nation will ask ourselves how we have allowed this to happen, how we have allowed gun ownership to become a more basic right than access to Sudafed, and maybe there will be some change -" And then I slapped myself, and vowed only to buy this hallucinogenic iced tea from Starbucks on the weekends.
So that is what I think of the broader implications, Margaret D. Tomkins. A young black man has died in an act of senseless gun violence, and in keeping with what has become a legislative tradition, not one single fuck will be given. Not one single fuck. An armed vigilante engages in racial profiling and shoots an unarmed kid, and our nation's lawmakers will set the record for the number of negative fucks ever given.
But I received a full-body pat down when I accidentally did not include my mango tango gel deodorant in a TSA-approved clear plastic baggie of liquids in line at airport security last week. So the lesson here is that you may actively seek out a confrontation and shoot a young black man at your leisure, but don't you fucking dare try to refresh your armpits at the airport without proper security clearance.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
What do you think about the George Zimmerman trial, and what do you think of its broader implications?
Sincerely,
Margaret D. Tomkins, Milwaukee
Hello Margaret,
It's funny you should bring this up, Margaret D. Tomkins of Milwaukee, because I was just thinking about this as I was reading this morning's paper. I was drinking an iced tea from Starbucks and reading an op-ed piece about how the prosecution hasn't proven its case beyond a reasonable doubt, and how he will probably walk. And it does kind of sound as though there is reasonable doubt from a legal perspective, despite the fact that the fuckstick is clearly a murderer.
And as I was reading this, I said to myself, "You know, maybe now, when George Zimmerman walks free after shooting an unarmed teenager, we as a nation will ask ourselves how we have allowed this to happen, how we have allowed gun ownership to become a more basic right than access to Sudafed, and maybe there will be some change -" And then I slapped myself, and vowed only to buy this hallucinogenic iced tea from Starbucks on the weekends.
So that is what I think of the broader implications, Margaret D. Tomkins. A young black man has died in an act of senseless gun violence, and in keeping with what has become a legislative tradition, not one single fuck will be given. Not one single fuck. An armed vigilante engages in racial profiling and shoots an unarmed kid, and our nation's lawmakers will set the record for the number of negative fucks ever given.
But I received a full-body pat down when I accidentally did not include my mango tango gel deodorant in a TSA-approved clear plastic baggie of liquids in line at airport security last week. So the lesson here is that you may actively seek out a confrontation and shoot a young black man at your leisure, but don't you fucking dare try to refresh your armpits at the airport without proper security clearance.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Bearing Arms
Here at Aunt Slugger headquarters, we spend a lot of time reviewing the news for articles that your Aunt Slugger finds relevant to her throngs of devoted readers. Sometimes these articles inspire us to make the world a more beautiful place. Sometimes these articles remind us that, even in our darkest hour, we are never alone. And sometimes these stories are just examples of solid news reporting.
But today the Aunt Slugger News Team happened upon this article about how gun shops saw record sales the day after the Sandy Hook massacre in Newtown, Connecticut.
I will pause for a moment while you think about that.
Your Aunt Slugger is not here today to debate the right to bear arms, or the root causes of the Sandy Hook massacre, since I am confident that we will soon come to a consensus on these matters via Facebook status updates and anonymous comments on news articles. No, I am here today to warn my readers of a bigger threat, and that is
PEOPLE WHO BUY GUNS THE DAY AFTER A MASSACRE BECAUSE THEY BELIEVE GUN POLICY WILL CHANGE IN LESS THAN FORTY-EIGHT HOURS.
Think about this for a moment. Here we have a group of people who are aware of the Sandy Hook massacre because they responded to it by stockpiling weapons (I think it is safe to infer causality in this instance). So we know that these people are at least somewhat literate, or minimally do not have impaired hearing and comprehension skills. So it would stand to reason that these people are, nominally, dimly aware of the United States Congress and/or their state legislatures. So even if they don't know specifically how to repeal a Constitutional Amendment, they should at least know that our politicians will fight about fucking anything.
And the right to bear arms is not a Thin Mint issue, either. People love the fuck out of their weaponry. So I think we can assume with a high degree of certainty that repealing the Second Amendment, or even just preventing people from exercising their right to shoot themselves in the thigh, is not going to happen overnight. Or in a week. So you can probably give it a little time before you hit your local arms dealer to make sure your rocket launcher is grandfathered in.
Yet people mobbed gun shops the day after the massacre because they thought gun policy would change instantly. Which means that they are exhibiting an unprecedented degree of ignorance. And...they're armed. THEY'RE COMPLETE FUCKING MORONS, AND NOW THEY'RE ARMED.
Think about that.
Happy Holidays.
Sincerely,
Your Aunt Slugger
But today the Aunt Slugger News Team happened upon this article about how gun shops saw record sales the day after the Sandy Hook massacre in Newtown, Connecticut.
I will pause for a moment while you think about that.
Your Aunt Slugger is not here today to debate the right to bear arms, or the root causes of the Sandy Hook massacre, since I am confident that we will soon come to a consensus on these matters via Facebook status updates and anonymous comments on news articles. No, I am here today to warn my readers of a bigger threat, and that is
PEOPLE WHO BUY GUNS THE DAY AFTER A MASSACRE BECAUSE THEY BELIEVE GUN POLICY WILL CHANGE IN LESS THAN FORTY-EIGHT HOURS.
Think about this for a moment. Here we have a group of people who are aware of the Sandy Hook massacre because they responded to it by stockpiling weapons (I think it is safe to infer causality in this instance). So we know that these people are at least somewhat literate, or minimally do not have impaired hearing and comprehension skills. So it would stand to reason that these people are, nominally, dimly aware of the United States Congress and/or their state legislatures. So even if they don't know specifically how to repeal a Constitutional Amendment, they should at least know that our politicians will fight about fucking anything.
And the right to bear arms is not a Thin Mint issue, either. People love the fuck out of their weaponry. So I think we can assume with a high degree of certainty that repealing the Second Amendment, or even just preventing people from exercising their right to shoot themselves in the thigh, is not going to happen overnight. Or in a week. So you can probably give it a little time before you hit your local arms dealer to make sure your rocket launcher is grandfathered in.
Yet people mobbed gun shops the day after the massacre because they thought gun policy would change instantly. Which means that they are exhibiting an unprecedented degree of ignorance. And...they're armed. THEY'RE COMPLETE FUCKING MORONS, AND NOW THEY'RE ARMED.
Think about that.
Happy Holidays.
Sincerely,
Your Aunt Slugger
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Teachers' Unions
Dear Aunt Slugger,
I am sick and tired of the Chicago Teachers Union strike. The only thing teachers' unions are good for is protecting bad teachers, and I am appalled by the number of bad teachers in our public schools. It is a real tragedy.
Sincerely,
Ernest in Skokie
Dear Ernest,
You know what I am sick and tired of, Ernest? You, Ernest. I'm sick and tired of you. Let me ask you this, Ernest: What do you do for a living? Do you have coworkers, Ernest? If so, I want you to sit back and think about your coworkers. Are any of them idiots? No? If you can't figure out who the idiots are at your workplace, you are guaranteed to be the idiot. People probably groan when they get emails from you. Your bosses probably have conference calls about how to pawn you off on another department. The people who interviewed you have probably been denied promotions for their bad judgment. You are also almost certainly really, really annoying as well.
I say all of this, Ernest, to illustrate a point. I am always confused--almost as confused as you, Ernest, become when people use large words in emails--when people complain bitterly about teachers' unions. "They protect bad teachers," people say.
You can debate the merits of this point, which I will not do here. What I am so confused about is why people act as though no other industry is afflicted by sub-par employees. People act as though teachers should be exempt from having appalling work habits.
I know what you're thinking. "My industry doesn't have this problem. We are very professional. We only hire the best people." If you really think that, you're probably the most annoying person in your company, and people are probably plotting to get rid of you as you read this.
Your Aunt Slugger has worked in a few different industries over the years: I have worked for the government, in higher education, in public accounting, and in finance. In only one of these roles was I represented by a union. And every single one of these industries has been CRAWLING with morons. Morons of every variety: socially inept people, people with advanced degrees who are functionally illiterate, people who look at images of naked people on their computers and become confused when their coworkers complain, people who microwave fish in the office kitchen, people who leave passive-aggressive notes on office equipment, people who try to hit on every employee of the opposite sex in the entire office, and people who bristle when asked to do actual work.
Very rarely are these people ever fired. They are allowed to carry on, annoying their coworkers, for years or even decades. This is usually because no one wants to deal with it, or knows how to deal with it, or even can legally deal with it. How do you fire someone for being dumber than a can of Beanee Weenies? It's harder than you think.
My point here is that teachers' unions do not protect bad teachers. The preponderance of idiots in society as a whole protects bad teachers, as well as bad accountants, bad sales clerks, bad equity traders, bad scuba divers. It is the nature of any workplace that there will be people who are so unbelievably stupid that you wonder if you have died and gone to hell. The fact that bad teachers are educating our youth somehow worries you more than the fact that Fortune 500 companies are largely audited by youth in their mid-twenties who are only vaguely aware that Canada is its own country.
So stop with the double-standard. You know there are intellectually void creeps in your workplace. YOU KNOW IT. But you're critical of another industry for having the same problem? Fools are ubiquitous. Once you learn that lesson, life will become much easier for you. Possibly slightly more depressing, but much easier.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
I am sick and tired of the Chicago Teachers Union strike. The only thing teachers' unions are good for is protecting bad teachers, and I am appalled by the number of bad teachers in our public schools. It is a real tragedy.
Sincerely,
Ernest in Skokie
Dear Ernest,
You know what I am sick and tired of, Ernest? You, Ernest. I'm sick and tired of you. Let me ask you this, Ernest: What do you do for a living? Do you have coworkers, Ernest? If so, I want you to sit back and think about your coworkers. Are any of them idiots? No? If you can't figure out who the idiots are at your workplace, you are guaranteed to be the idiot. People probably groan when they get emails from you. Your bosses probably have conference calls about how to pawn you off on another department. The people who interviewed you have probably been denied promotions for their bad judgment. You are also almost certainly really, really annoying as well.
I say all of this, Ernest, to illustrate a point. I am always confused--almost as confused as you, Ernest, become when people use large words in emails--when people complain bitterly about teachers' unions. "They protect bad teachers," people say.
You can debate the merits of this point, which I will not do here. What I am so confused about is why people act as though no other industry is afflicted by sub-par employees. People act as though teachers should be exempt from having appalling work habits.
I know what you're thinking. "My industry doesn't have this problem. We are very professional. We only hire the best people." If you really think that, you're probably the most annoying person in your company, and people are probably plotting to get rid of you as you read this.
Your Aunt Slugger has worked in a few different industries over the years: I have worked for the government, in higher education, in public accounting, and in finance. In only one of these roles was I represented by a union. And every single one of these industries has been CRAWLING with morons. Morons of every variety: socially inept people, people with advanced degrees who are functionally illiterate, people who look at images of naked people on their computers and become confused when their coworkers complain, people who microwave fish in the office kitchen, people who leave passive-aggressive notes on office equipment, people who try to hit on every employee of the opposite sex in the entire office, and people who bristle when asked to do actual work.
Very rarely are these people ever fired. They are allowed to carry on, annoying their coworkers, for years or even decades. This is usually because no one wants to deal with it, or knows how to deal with it, or even can legally deal with it. How do you fire someone for being dumber than a can of Beanee Weenies? It's harder than you think.
My point here is that teachers' unions do not protect bad teachers. The preponderance of idiots in society as a whole protects bad teachers, as well as bad accountants, bad sales clerks, bad equity traders, bad scuba divers. It is the nature of any workplace that there will be people who are so unbelievably stupid that you wonder if you have died and gone to hell. The fact that bad teachers are educating our youth somehow worries you more than the fact that Fortune 500 companies are largely audited by youth in their mid-twenties who are only vaguely aware that Canada is its own country.
So stop with the double-standard. You know there are intellectually void creeps in your workplace. YOU KNOW IT. But you're critical of another industry for having the same problem? Fools are ubiquitous. Once you learn that lesson, life will become much easier for you. Possibly slightly more depressing, but much easier.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
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