Dear Aunt Slugger,
I am sick and tired of the Chicago Teachers Union strike. The only thing teachers' unions are good for is protecting bad teachers, and I am appalled by the number of bad teachers in our public schools. It is a real tragedy.
Sincerely,
Ernest in Skokie
Dear Ernest,
You know what I am sick and tired of, Ernest? You, Ernest. I'm sick and tired of you. Let me ask you this, Ernest: What do you do for a living? Do you have coworkers, Ernest? If so, I want you to sit back and think about your coworkers. Are any of them idiots? No? If you can't figure out who the idiots are at your workplace, you are guaranteed to be the idiot. People probably groan when they get emails from you. Your bosses probably have conference calls about how to pawn you off on another department. The people who interviewed you have probably been denied promotions for their bad judgment. You are also almost certainly really, really annoying as well.
I
say all of this, Ernest, to illustrate a point. I am always
confused--almost as confused as you, Ernest, become
when people use large words in emails--when people complain bitterly
about teachers' unions. "They protect bad teachers," people say.
You can debate the merits of this point, which I will not do here. What I am so confused about is why people act as though no other industry is afflicted by sub-par employees. People act as though teachers should be exempt from having appalling work habits.
I know what you're thinking. "My industry doesn't have this problem. We are very professional. We only hire the best people." If you really think that, you're probably the most annoying person in your company, and people are probably plotting to get rid of you as you read this.
Your
Aunt Slugger has worked in a few different industries over the years: I
have worked for the government, in higher education, in public
accounting, and in finance. In only one of these roles was I represented
by a union. And every single one of these industries has been CRAWLING with morons. Morons of every variety: socially inept people, people with advanced degrees who are functionally illiterate, people who look at images of naked people on their computers and become confused when their coworkers complain, people who microwave fish in the office kitchen, people who leave passive-aggressive notes on office equipment, people who try to hit on every employee of the opposite sex in the entire office, and people who bristle when asked to do actual work.
Very rarely are these people ever fired. They are allowed to carry on, annoying their coworkers, for years or even decades. This is usually because no one wants to deal with it, or knows how to deal with it, or even can legally deal with it. How do you fire someone for being dumber than a can of Beanee Weenies? It's harder than you think.
My point here is that teachers' unions do not protect bad teachers. The preponderance of idiots in society as a whole protects bad teachers, as well as bad accountants, bad sales clerks, bad equity traders, bad scuba divers. It is the nature of any workplace that there will be people who are so unbelievably stupid that you wonder if you have died and gone to hell. The fact that bad teachers are educating our youth somehow worries you more than the fact that Fortune 500 companies are largely audited by youth in their mid-twenties who are only vaguely aware that Canada is its own country.
So stop with the double-standard. You know there are intellectually void creeps in your workplace. YOU KNOW IT. But you're critical of another industry for having the same problem? Fools are ubiquitous. Once you learn that lesson, life will become much easier for you. Possibly slightly more depressing, but much easier.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
Answering life's deepest questions
Showing posts with label scuba diving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scuba diving. Show all posts
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Monday, February 1, 2010
Public Transit
Dear Aunt Slugger,
It is my understanding that you use public transit on a regular basis. Do you have any tips for those of us who are considering making the switch?
Sincerely,
Randolph from Manitoba
Dear Randolph,
Why yes, in point of fact, I do use public transit on a regular basis, and I have the immune system to prove it. Over the years, public transportation has gotten a bad rap because it's never on time and it's dirty and there's crime sometimes and the subway rats will feast on your toes if you stand in one place for more than nineteen seconds (two seconds in New York City). But in reality, people who are afraid of public transit for those reasons are probably the same people who buy organic rutabagas at Whole Foods, and their opinions are automatically void. No, you should be afraid of public transit for the same reason you should be afraid of major sporting events, corporate team-building activities, and PTA meetings: Because these things bring out the worst in humanity, and that reality can be hard to take, especially if you are not medicated properly.
So my job is to prepare you for the kinds of people you will see aboard public transit. Knowing your enemy is half the battle, readers. Below is a list of the most common types of public transit offenders; keep this list on hand at all times.
We will start with
People Who Talk on Their Cell Phones. This group is multiplying at an unprecedented rate, now that cell phone technology has improved and many devices can now receive a signal in an underground train. The human race is capable of a mind-blowing number of inane cell phone conversations, and you will hear most of them on public transit. Most people are oblivious to the fact that they are talking at top volume, but some people will try to keep their voices low, and they think they are being polite. Notice to those people: WE CAN STILL HEAR YOU, and YOU ARE STILL BEING AN ASSHOLE. Some people also believe that they are entitled to take business calls while in an enclosed subway car. If you receive a work-related phone call while you're on a train or a bus, ask yourself this question: "Am I a doctor?" If the answer is "No," then you are not permitted to take the call. There are no exceptions. If you are the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, that $80 trillion unregulated hedge fund will still be collapsing when you get off the train, so you can deal with it then. God gave us overpriced text messaging plans for a reason; use them.
And speaking of things that are overpriced, let's talk about
People Who Wear Large Camping Backpacks. I have no objection if you want to commune with nature; my concern is that I now have two broken ribs from getting a Nalgene directly to the chest. Be aware of your volume, people. If your backpack weighs more than my grandmother, it's time to take a cab, carbon footprint or not.
And on the subject of other people who should take cabs, let's discuss
People Who Have Never Used Public Transit and Have No Common Sense. Now, let me preface this one by noting that your Aunt Slugger grew up in a small Midwestern town that did not have an extensive public transit system, so I never used it until I got to a larger city. So Aunt Slugger is not passing judgment on folks who have never used public transit; their blood pressure is probably lower because of that fact. But Aunt Slugger IS passing judgment on the fucknuts who have never used public transit AND are totally oblivious to their surroundings. If you don't know whether you need to be on a specific train, DO NOT STAND IN THE DOORWAY AND BLOCK THE OTHER PASSENGERS FROM BOARDING THE TRAIN WHILE YOU CONSULT YOUR MAP. Try to have a game plan before you get to the doorway. Ask another passenger. Countless people travel all around the world and are able to board trains and buses in foreign cities without holding up the entire metropolitan transit system. Model this behavior.
These are often the same people who become confused when they have to stand on the train or bus because it is crowded. Now, let me once again preface this by noting that Aunt Slugger has never taken a formal physics class. I was a high school dropout, and a political science major in college, which is essentially the same thing as not having gone to college. So I dodged physics and still don't understand why your face explodes if you go down too far while scuba diving. Yet somehow - against all odds - I figured out that you need to hold onto something while standing on a moving train. And if you make the mistake once, that's fine; train and bus drivers are highly skilled in the art of stopping and starting at random. But if you REPEATEDLY find yourself being thrown eighteen feet and landing in someone's lap every time the train starts moving, it is TIME TO GRAB AHOLD OF SOMETHING. Please. For your own safety. Please.
Moving on, let's not forget
People Who Are Afraid to Touch Anything. I was once on a crowded train with a woman who doused herself with antibacterial hand gel after inadvertently touching a handrail. The key to a successful relationship with public transit is making peace with the fact that you will be exposed, on a daily basis, to some highly toxic shit. If you make it the week without contracting leprosy, you've done well for yourself. The same applies to riding in an airplane, sitting in a doctor's office waiting room, or eating a Filet o' Fish. If you can't come to grips with this reality, you DO NOT BELONG ON PUBLIC TRANSIT.
Finally, we should be sure to talk about
People Who Are Afraid of You. These are people who are riding public transit out of some tragic necessity - like their vehicle was towed because they parked it in front of a fire station - and are clearly VERY AFRAID of you and the rest of the users of public transit. These are the people who say things like, "Don't ride the [name of subway line] because it goes to [name of a neighborhood without Whole Foods]." During rush hour traffic, these people will grip their bags in white-knuckled terror, because in their minds, anyone who rides public transit is desperate and will rob them blind, despite the fact that the average rider is a 30-something disheartened finance professional who is contemplating the cold reality that he or she will spend the next 30 years of his or life reading the Wall Street Journal and looking at Excel spreadsheets. These people are more annoying than any of the aforementioned groups, because they will gasp in terror whenever you open your backpack to dig out your keys, your iPod, or your copy of Betty Crocker's Guide to Bisquick.
So there you have it. These are the folks you need to look out for, readers. I'm not saying there's anything you can DO about them, but at least you won't be surprised when you get hit in the face with a camping backpack, or when your eardrum bursts from listening to someone yell "ARE YOU THERE? HELLO? I THINK I LOST YOU" into his or her cell phone, or when you try to get out some chapstick and someone accuses you of going for your gun.
I hope that helps, Randolph, and that you are able to navigate the complex public transit systems of Manitoba with ease.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
It is my understanding that you use public transit on a regular basis. Do you have any tips for those of us who are considering making the switch?
Sincerely,
Randolph from Manitoba
Dear Randolph,
Why yes, in point of fact, I do use public transit on a regular basis, and I have the immune system to prove it. Over the years, public transportation has gotten a bad rap because it's never on time and it's dirty and there's crime sometimes and the subway rats will feast on your toes if you stand in one place for more than nineteen seconds (two seconds in New York City). But in reality, people who are afraid of public transit for those reasons are probably the same people who buy organic rutabagas at Whole Foods, and their opinions are automatically void. No, you should be afraid of public transit for the same reason you should be afraid of major sporting events, corporate team-building activities, and PTA meetings: Because these things bring out the worst in humanity, and that reality can be hard to take, especially if you are not medicated properly.
So my job is to prepare you for the kinds of people you will see aboard public transit. Knowing your enemy is half the battle, readers. Below is a list of the most common types of public transit offenders; keep this list on hand at all times.
We will start with
People Who Talk on Their Cell Phones. This group is multiplying at an unprecedented rate, now that cell phone technology has improved and many devices can now receive a signal in an underground train. The human race is capable of a mind-blowing number of inane cell phone conversations, and you will hear most of them on public transit. Most people are oblivious to the fact that they are talking at top volume, but some people will try to keep their voices low, and they think they are being polite. Notice to those people: WE CAN STILL HEAR YOU, and YOU ARE STILL BEING AN ASSHOLE. Some people also believe that they are entitled to take business calls while in an enclosed subway car. If you receive a work-related phone call while you're on a train or a bus, ask yourself this question: "Am I a doctor?" If the answer is "No," then you are not permitted to take the call. There are no exceptions. If you are the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, that $80 trillion unregulated hedge fund will still be collapsing when you get off the train, so you can deal with it then. God gave us overpriced text messaging plans for a reason; use them.
And speaking of things that are overpriced, let's talk about
People Who Wear Large Camping Backpacks. I have no objection if you want to commune with nature; my concern is that I now have two broken ribs from getting a Nalgene directly to the chest. Be aware of your volume, people. If your backpack weighs more than my grandmother, it's time to take a cab, carbon footprint or not.
And on the subject of other people who should take cabs, let's discuss
People Who Have Never Used Public Transit and Have No Common Sense. Now, let me preface this one by noting that your Aunt Slugger grew up in a small Midwestern town that did not have an extensive public transit system, so I never used it until I got to a larger city. So Aunt Slugger is not passing judgment on folks who have never used public transit; their blood pressure is probably lower because of that fact. But Aunt Slugger IS passing judgment on the fucknuts who have never used public transit AND are totally oblivious to their surroundings. If you don't know whether you need to be on a specific train, DO NOT STAND IN THE DOORWAY AND BLOCK THE OTHER PASSENGERS FROM BOARDING THE TRAIN WHILE YOU CONSULT YOUR MAP. Try to have a game plan before you get to the doorway. Ask another passenger. Countless people travel all around the world and are able to board trains and buses in foreign cities without holding up the entire metropolitan transit system. Model this behavior.
These are often the same people who become confused when they have to stand on the train or bus because it is crowded. Now, let me once again preface this by noting that Aunt Slugger has never taken a formal physics class. I was a high school dropout, and a political science major in college, which is essentially the same thing as not having gone to college. So I dodged physics and still don't understand why your face explodes if you go down too far while scuba diving. Yet somehow - against all odds - I figured out that you need to hold onto something while standing on a moving train. And if you make the mistake once, that's fine; train and bus drivers are highly skilled in the art of stopping and starting at random. But if you REPEATEDLY find yourself being thrown eighteen feet and landing in someone's lap every time the train starts moving, it is TIME TO GRAB AHOLD OF SOMETHING. Please. For your own safety. Please.
Moving on, let's not forget
People Who Are Afraid to Touch Anything. I was once on a crowded train with a woman who doused herself with antibacterial hand gel after inadvertently touching a handrail. The key to a successful relationship with public transit is making peace with the fact that you will be exposed, on a daily basis, to some highly toxic shit. If you make it the week without contracting leprosy, you've done well for yourself. The same applies to riding in an airplane, sitting in a doctor's office waiting room, or eating a Filet o' Fish. If you can't come to grips with this reality, you DO NOT BELONG ON PUBLIC TRANSIT.
Finally, we should be sure to talk about
People Who Are Afraid of You. These are people who are riding public transit out of some tragic necessity - like their vehicle was towed because they parked it in front of a fire station - and are clearly VERY AFRAID of you and the rest of the users of public transit. These are the people who say things like, "Don't ride the [name of subway line] because it goes to [name of a neighborhood without Whole Foods]." During rush hour traffic, these people will grip their bags in white-knuckled terror, because in their minds, anyone who rides public transit is desperate and will rob them blind, despite the fact that the average rider is a 30-something disheartened finance professional who is contemplating the cold reality that he or she will spend the next 30 years of his or life reading the Wall Street Journal and looking at Excel spreadsheets. These people are more annoying than any of the aforementioned groups, because they will gasp in terror whenever you open your backpack to dig out your keys, your iPod, or your copy of Betty Crocker's Guide to Bisquick.
So there you have it. These are the folks you need to look out for, readers. I'm not saying there's anything you can DO about them, but at least you won't be surprised when you get hit in the face with a camping backpack, or when your eardrum bursts from listening to someone yell "ARE YOU THERE? HELLO? I THINK I LOST YOU" into his or her cell phone, or when you try to get out some chapstick and someone accuses you of going for your gun.
I hope that helps, Randolph, and that you are able to navigate the complex public transit systems of Manitoba with ease.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
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