An Open Plea to Woody Allen

As many of you are aware, your Aunt Slugger is getting married. I don't really understand how this is happening, but here at Aunt Slugger HQ, we never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Anyway, it turns out that planning a wedding is among the most painful things a person can do, and I include surgery without anesthesia and shaking hands with Rush Limbaugh in that statement. My original plan to elope in Vegas was quickly nixed and now the wedding has turned into a big affair where I will most likely be prohibited from wearing cutoff jean shorts.

My mother has taken over the bulk of the wedding planning ever since I very sincerely proposed having Taco Bell cater the event. She has left only a few things up to me, like selecting the color scheme and the groom. This is fine with me, since left to my own devices I would most likely put something together at the last minute that is only marginally more interesting than a Bible study.

I have also taken a keen interest in the invitations. There is nothing I hate more than a wedding invitation that takes itself too seriously. I found some invitations online that look as though a color printer has vomited flowers and birds onto fine linen paper. I filled out the form with all the usual shit, and then on the back, I added the following quote from Woody Allen:

"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."

I like this quote because it combines both love and smallpox, which is surprisingly difficult to do. And I thought it would set the tone for the wedding so that no one shows up thinking they can't make an infectious disease joke on the dance floor.

Anyway, I ordered a sample of this invitation and didn't think about it any more until I received the following email from the printer:

"Design contains text or image that is in violation of an individual’s rights of celebrity/publicity."

So I called them for clarification, and they sent me this email:

"In this instance, your order contained products with a Woody Allen quote on back, which [we are] unable to produce on merchandise as it would be a violation of their rights of celebrity/publicity."

True to form, I emailed an asshole response about how stupid their rationale was. They were unamused.

So that is why I am here today. I am here to ask you, my loyal readers, to help me find Woody Allen and ask him if I can use his quote on my wedding invitations.

Mr. Allen, if you're reading this, can I quote you on my wedding invitation? I have always been a huge fan, and I can't see the name "J. Edgar Hoover" without thinking about the movie "Bananas." In exchange for your support, you are welcome to attend my wedding, since I assume there is nothing you would enjoy more than spending a summer weekend in Fort Wayne, Indiana.*

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger

*I can actually think of about 75,000 things that sound better than that, but I won't mention them here in an effort to make the offer sound more attractive.