To the Representatives and Senators of the United States Congress:
I am relieved that we have freedom of speech in this country because if we didn't, I would've been hauled in front of the firing squad a long time ago, and because I really need to get this off my chest right now:
You fuckers are a disgrace.
Now, before you get upset, let me just say that I do have a great deal of appreciation for you people. The world would be a tragic and depressing place without the brand of humor that you have provided us for hundreds of years. I mean, the Larry Craig thing happened in 2007, and I am still getting mileage out of it. So I really do cherish your existence.
In fact, it's a little weird that I feel compelled to write to you now, at this point, given that I have become so accustomed to the comedy of errors that occurs in the Capitol each day. And just last weekend I was at a Whole Foods in Cambridge, Massachusetts, so I honestly thought I had seen the depths of human depravity.
But here we are. Somehow, against all odds, you motherfuckers still manage to shock me.
So I am going to provide you with some key points to bear in mind as you continue to fuck around with the budget.
First, stop acting like fucking babies. I realize this is asking a lot, but make the effort.
Second, stop trying to toss unrelated shit into the budget proposals. If you want to make it illegal to eat olive loaf on Wednesdays, THEN BRING IT UP LATER. Write another proposal. Stop trying to sneak it in there with the budget because it's NOT RELATED.
And third, start thinking about someone other than yourselves. Again, I realize this is asking a lot. But perhaps give some thought to the fact that if you can't get your shit together, there are people--real people, not crackpot narcissists like yourselves--who will experience real and painful suffering. People who need their paychecks. People who have devoted themselves to public service or the defense of our nation (which, tragically, includes you). Have some fucking respect for those people.
If you have any questions, I honestly don't give a shit.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
Answering life's deepest questions
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Important Life Tip from Your Aunt Slugger
Today's topic is: Weird people.
So a few months ago, the following music video was brought to my attention:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atBg9zLI2bA
This song made your Aunt Slugger realize that perhaps organized religion does indeed have something to offer.
Anyway, to make a long story short, a few days ago, I clicked that I "liked" the singer's page on Facebook. This is a stronger gesture than it may seem, since the last band that your Aunt Slugger professed to like enough to see in concert was the BeeGees, most of whom had died by that point anyway.
The singer seems to update his status a lot, which I would complain about, but I can't bitch about his status updates without first devoting an entire column to the people who post their treadmill activity on Facebook. (Yes, I'm coming for you.) So I clicked on one of these status updates today, and I was struck not by the update itself but by the comments. Each update had no fewer than thirty comments, all from women, and all containing either little hearts or phrases like, "Hugs and kisses!"
Take a moment to read that last sentence again.
Folks, here is a tip for you, and I cannot emphasize this enough. Posting little hearts or so-called cute comments on the page of a famous person that you don't know personally is the QUICKEST and MOST EFFICIENT WAY to make yourself look like a deranged stalker. So CUT THAT SHIT OUT.
Thank you.
Aunt Slugger
So a few months ago, the following music video was brought to my attention:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atBg9zLI2bA
This song made your Aunt Slugger realize that perhaps organized religion does indeed have something to offer.
Anyway, to make a long story short, a few days ago, I clicked that I "liked" the singer's page on Facebook. This is a stronger gesture than it may seem, since the last band that your Aunt Slugger professed to like enough to see in concert was the BeeGees, most of whom had died by that point anyway.
The singer seems to update his status a lot, which I would complain about, but I can't bitch about his status updates without first devoting an entire column to the people who post their treadmill activity on Facebook. (Yes, I'm coming for you.) So I clicked on one of these status updates today, and I was struck not by the update itself but by the comments. Each update had no fewer than thirty comments, all from women, and all containing either little hearts or phrases like, "Hugs and kisses!"
Take a moment to read that last sentence again.
Folks, here is a tip for you, and I cannot emphasize this enough. Posting little hearts or so-called cute comments on the page of a famous person that you don't know personally is the QUICKEST and MOST EFFICIENT WAY to make yourself look like a deranged stalker. So CUT THAT SHIT OUT.
Thank you.
Aunt Slugger
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Delta Airlines
Dear Aunt Slugger,
I currently suffer from a variety of health problems, including terminal cancer, kidney failure, schizophrenia, mad cow disease, leprosy, and smallpox. Sometimes, these conditions are hard to manage, and I start to feel depressed about my impending death and--
You know what? If I had a dollar for every whiny letter I get from cancer-ridden schizophrenic lepers, I'd be installing a solid gold toilet in my bathroom right now. The world has enough problems without having to deal with some asshole bitching and moaning about being the first case of hemorrhagic smallpox since 1978.
So instead, we're going to talk about something far more important, which is, of course, your Aunt Slugger's recent struggle with a certain mainstream American airline that shall remain nameless in this column, unless of course that name is accidentally featured in large, boldface letters in the column's headline, which would be unfortunate, but also a sad reality of the internet.
As many of my loyal readers are aware, Aunt Slugger's advice column is headquartered in Cambridge, Massachusetts, which, as you may also be aware, was hit with a massive snowstorm over this past weekend. This past weekend also featured the Christmas holiday, which, for my loyal readers in remote areas of the Amazon River Basin, is a major holiday here in the United States. A few facts on the Christmas holiday:
1.) It always falls on December 25th.
2.) There is a high volume of air travel over the Christmas holiday so that people can see their families.
3.) Because of breakthroughs in modern calendar technology, there is a high likelihood of experiencing winter weather on or around December 25th.
So just keep those facts in your back pocket for a moment while your Aunt Slugger explains her specific situation. Your Aunt Slugger flew from Boston Logan International Airport to a mid-sized Midwestern city. On Christmas Eve, I checked the weather report and saw that most of the East Coast was going to be slammed with snow the day after Christmas, which was also the day I was slated to fly back to Boston. Just to reiterate a key point here: Your Aunt Slugger, who is a professional advice columnist with no formal training in meteorology, knew, several days beforehand, that it was going to snow at around the same time she was scheduled to arrive in Boston. Perhaps it's a stretch to assume this, but I tend to think that at least one airline employee would have also been privy to this weather report, which, for the record, is publicly available using newfangled technology like "the internet" and "newspapers."
Fast forward to the day after Christmas. The East Coast is getting slaughtered with snow and high-speed winds. In Massachusetts, houses are literally falling into the ocean. It was the sort of weather that makes a New Englander hunker down in the basement with extra supplies and a Midwesterner like myself draft blueprints for a bitchin' snowman. But it was not the sort of weather you fly a plane in, even if you are from the Midwest. So I was not surprised when my flight was canceled. I was surprised, though, when the flight was rescheduled for the following morning at 5:45a.m., when (again, using the widely available weather report) it was still supposed to be snowing and gusting wind.
So I phoned the airline. I received the following message (not verbatim, but close enough): "Due to extreme weather conditions, we are unavailable to take your call at this time. Please call again later, or use our website."
So I logged onto the website, which provided absolutely no pertinent information. I tried to call again. I got the same message. I went to Target and bought 50% off Christmas wrapping paper. I called again. I ate a donut. I called again. I fought with my brother over which variety of pizza to get for lunch. I called again. I read two chapters in a book. I called again.
Finally, after getting the same pre-recorded message again, I borrowed a car and drove down to the local airport. I found a representative for my specific airline. I explained my situation. I asked if I could be rescheduled for a later flight the next day or the day after because I was concerned that my flight would be canceled because of the snow. "No fucking way" was the response. The "fucking" was silent, but implied via tone and facial expression.
I got home and checked the status of my new 5:45a.m. flight. As you have already guessed because you are not a tub of unsalted butter, my flight was canceled. I called the airline and received the same pre-recorded message. So I borrowed a car AGAIN and drove back to the airport AGAIN, where I pleaded my case to the same employee. After much sighing and eyeball rolls, she put me on an 8am flight back to Boston on Wednesday - three days after my original departure.
Before I get a bunch of angry e-mails from people who work in the customer service industry, let me clarify two things:
1.) I am aware that airplanes should not be expected to fly in the snow.
2.) I am not one of those people who screams at customer service professionals.
So don't send me some typo-ridden letter pissing about how these people are underpaid and overworked and harassed all day and how I should let the occasional eyeball roll slide and so on and so forth. One of my first jobs was as a welfare caseworker, with over 300 cases and a government cubicle in the basement of an old Sears store. I had the monopoly on overworked and underpaid, so don't talk to me about overworked and under-fucking-paid, OK? Thank you.
Where was I? Ah, yes. So I got home and let my new flight details marinate for a little bit. I tried calling the airline several more times, but got the same message. I saw reports of other stranded passengers receiving vouchers for future air travel.
Finally, yesterday (Tuesday), I got through to someone at the airline. I explained my situation. They confirmed my flight details for Wednesday. I explained that as a longtime airline customer (I had in fact used frequent flier miles to pay for the ticket), I found it frustrating that I had to drive out to the airport twice to reschedule my flight because I couldn't get someone on the phone. I asked if I could get a free upgrade or two free bags on my next flight for the inconvenience.
As you already know because you have at least a preschool education, they told me to go fuck myself.
So this morning, I got up and headed to the airport in the frigid, silent, pre-dawn hours of the Midwest. At this point, I have been wearing the same pair of pants for five days. I am tired. But I am eager to get on the plane and get back to my apartment and my rigorous schedule of snacking and drafting advice columns.
Obviously, I did not make it out on this morning's flight. I am still in the Midwest. Still in the same pair of pants. And still five hours of flying away from unloading these half off gift tags into my closet.
However, there is a bright side to all of this, which is that it's refreshing to see that a business model that involves being under-prepared for a known disruption to the core service of your particular industry and then not giving two fucking shits about your customers not only works, but also sets you up to receive federal aid money.
So you see--what was your name again? You, the cancer patient scratching at that smallpox lesion? Well, whatever your name is, let's just see who has it worse off. At least you're not dealing with the airline industry.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
I currently suffer from a variety of health problems, including terminal cancer, kidney failure, schizophrenia, mad cow disease, leprosy, and smallpox. Sometimes, these conditions are hard to manage, and I start to feel depressed about my impending death and--
You know what? If I had a dollar for every whiny letter I get from cancer-ridden schizophrenic lepers, I'd be installing a solid gold toilet in my bathroom right now. The world has enough problems without having to deal with some asshole bitching and moaning about being the first case of hemorrhagic smallpox since 1978.
So instead, we're going to talk about something far more important, which is, of course, your Aunt Slugger's recent struggle with a certain mainstream American airline that shall remain nameless in this column, unless of course that name is accidentally featured in large, boldface letters in the column's headline, which would be unfortunate, but also a sad reality of the internet.
As many of my loyal readers are aware, Aunt Slugger's advice column is headquartered in Cambridge, Massachusetts, which, as you may also be aware, was hit with a massive snowstorm over this past weekend. This past weekend also featured the Christmas holiday, which, for my loyal readers in remote areas of the Amazon River Basin, is a major holiday here in the United States. A few facts on the Christmas holiday:
1.) It always falls on December 25th.
2.) There is a high volume of air travel over the Christmas holiday so that people can see their families.
3.) Because of breakthroughs in modern calendar technology, there is a high likelihood of experiencing winter weather on or around December 25th.
So just keep those facts in your back pocket for a moment while your Aunt Slugger explains her specific situation. Your Aunt Slugger flew from Boston Logan International Airport to a mid-sized Midwestern city. On Christmas Eve, I checked the weather report and saw that most of the East Coast was going to be slammed with snow the day after Christmas, which was also the day I was slated to fly back to Boston. Just to reiterate a key point here: Your Aunt Slugger, who is a professional advice columnist with no formal training in meteorology, knew, several days beforehand, that it was going to snow at around the same time she was scheduled to arrive in Boston. Perhaps it's a stretch to assume this, but I tend to think that at least one airline employee would have also been privy to this weather report, which, for the record, is publicly available using newfangled technology like "the internet" and "newspapers."
Fast forward to the day after Christmas. The East Coast is getting slaughtered with snow and high-speed winds. In Massachusetts, houses are literally falling into the ocean. It was the sort of weather that makes a New Englander hunker down in the basement with extra supplies and a Midwesterner like myself draft blueprints for a bitchin' snowman. But it was not the sort of weather you fly a plane in, even if you are from the Midwest. So I was not surprised when my flight was canceled. I was surprised, though, when the flight was rescheduled for the following morning at 5:45a.m., when (again, using the widely available weather report) it was still supposed to be snowing and gusting wind.
So I phoned the airline. I received the following message (not verbatim, but close enough): "Due to extreme weather conditions, we are unavailable to take your call at this time. Please call again later, or use our website."
So I logged onto the website, which provided absolutely no pertinent information. I tried to call again. I got the same message. I went to Target and bought 50% off Christmas wrapping paper. I called again. I ate a donut. I called again. I fought with my brother over which variety of pizza to get for lunch. I called again. I read two chapters in a book. I called again.
Finally, after getting the same pre-recorded message again, I borrowed a car and drove down to the local airport. I found a representative for my specific airline. I explained my situation. I asked if I could be rescheduled for a later flight the next day or the day after because I was concerned that my flight would be canceled because of the snow. "No fucking way" was the response. The "fucking" was silent, but implied via tone and facial expression.
I got home and checked the status of my new 5:45a.m. flight. As you have already guessed because you are not a tub of unsalted butter, my flight was canceled. I called the airline and received the same pre-recorded message. So I borrowed a car AGAIN and drove back to the airport AGAIN, where I pleaded my case to the same employee. After much sighing and eyeball rolls, she put me on an 8am flight back to Boston on Wednesday - three days after my original departure.
Before I get a bunch of angry e-mails from people who work in the customer service industry, let me clarify two things:
1.) I am aware that airplanes should not be expected to fly in the snow.
2.) I am not one of those people who screams at customer service professionals.
So don't send me some typo-ridden letter pissing about how these people are underpaid and overworked and harassed all day and how I should let the occasional eyeball roll slide and so on and so forth. One of my first jobs was as a welfare caseworker, with over 300 cases and a government cubicle in the basement of an old Sears store. I had the monopoly on overworked and underpaid, so don't talk to me about overworked and under-fucking-paid, OK? Thank you.
Where was I? Ah, yes. So I got home and let my new flight details marinate for a little bit. I tried calling the airline several more times, but got the same message. I saw reports of other stranded passengers receiving vouchers for future air travel.
Finally, yesterday (Tuesday), I got through to someone at the airline. I explained my situation. They confirmed my flight details for Wednesday. I explained that as a longtime airline customer (I had in fact used frequent flier miles to pay for the ticket), I found it frustrating that I had to drive out to the airport twice to reschedule my flight because I couldn't get someone on the phone. I asked if I could get a free upgrade or two free bags on my next flight for the inconvenience.
As you already know because you have at least a preschool education, they told me to go fuck myself.
So this morning, I got up and headed to the airport in the frigid, silent, pre-dawn hours of the Midwest. At this point, I have been wearing the same pair of pants for five days. I am tired. But I am eager to get on the plane and get back to my apartment and my rigorous schedule of snacking and drafting advice columns.
Obviously, I did not make it out on this morning's flight. I am still in the Midwest. Still in the same pair of pants. And still five hours of flying away from unloading these half off gift tags into my closet.
However, there is a bright side to all of this, which is that it's refreshing to see that a business model that involves being under-prepared for a known disruption to the core service of your particular industry and then not giving two fucking shits about your customers not only works, but also sets you up to receive federal aid money.
So you see--what was your name again? You, the cancer patient scratching at that smallpox lesion? Well, whatever your name is, let's just see who has it worse off. At least you're not dealing with the airline industry.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Selling a House
Dear Aunt Slugger,
I come to you seeking advice. We are preparing to sell our house, and we are getting ready to host an open house. Do you have any tips for us? Any pitfalls to avoid?
Regards,
The Sellers
Dear Sellers,
You would never guess it from my lavish advice columnist lifestyle, but your Aunt Slugger has never been a homeowner. I operate out of the Dear Aunt Slugger headquarters, which is inconveniently located in Cambridge, Massachusetts, where the average home is divided into seventy-nine tenement apartments that are infested with mice, rats, caterpillars, fleas, roaches, skunks, and sociopaths. The average Cambridge resident rents these tenements for prices equivalent to 150% of his or her gross income before taxes and change collected from the subway tracks. Occasionally, these apartments are available for sale at absolutely obscene prices, in which case they are referred to as "condos," which makes them sound nice but doesn't necessarily mean that all the dead bodies have been cleared from the bathroom.
So I can't necessarily offer advice on the actual act of selling your house, since I am not familiar with home inspections, appraisals, or mortgage brokers with no self-respect. However, given my vast experience dealing with the rental markets, I can offer some tips on what you probably shouldn't do.
First of all, there's truth in advertising. If you are trying to sell a 2,000 square foot four bedroom home with 1.5 baths and an unfinished basement, you should *not* advertise that you have a 4,000 square foot home with six bedrooms, an elevator, and a carriage house. You would think this would be obvious, but apparently, it is not. When your Aunt Slugger moved to Cambridge, I found a listing for a three-bedroom apartment. As I discovered after I toured it (with the landlord, who looked like a cross between Norman Bates and Dracula), it was a one bedroom apartment with a large walk-in closet (i.e. "the second bedroom") and a living room that "converted into a third bedroom." Despite many years of formal education, I was unable to figure out how exactly that worked. So tempting as it may be to advertise that your dilapidated tool shed is actually "separate servants' quarters," you should avoid doing so.
Additionally, you will want to make the house look as spartan as possible. And I'm not just talking about hiding your toaster oven collection to make the space appear less cluttered; that's a well-known real estate trick. I'm talking about not being there when prospective homebuyers are passing through. When your Aunt Slugger was in graduate school, obtaining a degree that was somehow even less academically rigorous than my undergraduate degree in political science, I was moving from one tenement slum to another. I found a fourth-floor walk-up studio apartment that looked like a pretty good deal - all utilities included, a kitchenette, bay windows. When the apartment broker brought me to look at the apartment, I wasn't able to get a really good look at it because there were three people in there, watching television and cooking dinner. This is just a matter of personal opinion, but I find it awkward to ask to look at the kitchenette when someone is marinating chicken thighs on the stovetop.
Other key tips for selling your house include
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
I come to you seeking advice. We are preparing to sell our house, and we are getting ready to host an open house. Do you have any tips for us? Any pitfalls to avoid?
Regards,
The Sellers
Dear Sellers,
You would never guess it from my lavish advice columnist lifestyle, but your Aunt Slugger has never been a homeowner. I operate out of the Dear Aunt Slugger headquarters, which is inconveniently located in Cambridge, Massachusetts, where the average home is divided into seventy-nine tenement apartments that are infested with mice, rats, caterpillars, fleas, roaches, skunks, and sociopaths. The average Cambridge resident rents these tenements for prices equivalent to 150% of his or her gross income before taxes and change collected from the subway tracks. Occasionally, these apartments are available for sale at absolutely obscene prices, in which case they are referred to as "condos," which makes them sound nice but doesn't necessarily mean that all the dead bodies have been cleared from the bathroom.
So I can't necessarily offer advice on the actual act of selling your house, since I am not familiar with home inspections, appraisals, or mortgage brokers with no self-respect. However, given my vast experience dealing with the rental markets, I can offer some tips on what you probably shouldn't do.
First of all, there's truth in advertising. If you are trying to sell a 2,000 square foot four bedroom home with 1.5 baths and an unfinished basement, you should *not* advertise that you have a 4,000 square foot home with six bedrooms, an elevator, and a carriage house. You would think this would be obvious, but apparently, it is not. When your Aunt Slugger moved to Cambridge, I found a listing for a three-bedroom apartment. As I discovered after I toured it (with the landlord, who looked like a cross between Norman Bates and Dracula), it was a one bedroom apartment with a large walk-in closet (i.e. "the second bedroom") and a living room that "converted into a third bedroom." Despite many years of formal education, I was unable to figure out how exactly that worked. So tempting as it may be to advertise that your dilapidated tool shed is actually "separate servants' quarters," you should avoid doing so.
Additionally, you will want to make the house look as spartan as possible. And I'm not just talking about hiding your toaster oven collection to make the space appear less cluttered; that's a well-known real estate trick. I'm talking about not being there when prospective homebuyers are passing through. When your Aunt Slugger was in graduate school, obtaining a degree that was somehow even less academically rigorous than my undergraduate degree in political science, I was moving from one tenement slum to another. I found a fourth-floor walk-up studio apartment that looked like a pretty good deal - all utilities included, a kitchenette, bay windows. When the apartment broker brought me to look at the apartment, I wasn't able to get a really good look at it because there were three people in there, watching television and cooking dinner. This is just a matter of personal opinion, but I find it awkward to ask to look at the kitchenette when someone is marinating chicken thighs on the stovetop.
Other key tips for selling your house include
- Removing all visible pet droppings from common areas
- Putting organic fruits on display
- Sedating your neighbors so that they don't have another fistfight on the front lawn during your open house
- Putting all non-essential furniture, books, toys, exercise equipment and children in an offsite storage facility
- Displaying the china you received for your wedding but which has heretofore remained in boxes
- Not mentioning the demons you exorcised from the attic last year
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
Friday, October 22, 2010
'80s Fashion
Dear Slugger,
Why, in the name of everything holy is fashion in 2010 embracing the 80s and early 90s? Didn't it look bad the first time around? Why plaid? Why now? Should anyone selling, purchasing, browsing, or thinking about browsing stirrup pants be shot on sight?
Thank you,
My Clothes Have Pee and Barf on Them So What do I Care About Fall Fashion
Dear MCHPBTSWDICAFF:
The short answer, MCHPBTSWDICAFF, is that I don't know. I don't know how we, as a people, have become so depraved that we openly tolerate people wearing compression tights in public. And for those of you who are saying, "Compression tights? Who's wearing compression tights?" -- you may already be too far gone. Right now, in a hospital somewhere, there's a nurse squeezing the legs of a lower-body trauma victim into a pair of skinny jeans to prevent blood clots, and no one is the wiser.
There have definitely been instances thoughout the history of mankind where people have tolerated some unimaginable atrocities. But we (or at least most of us) usually learn from our mistakes. Bloodletting, for example. Back in the day, people used to believe that you could bleed disease right out of your veins. Using modern science, we know today that this practice is absolutely preposterous, although your Aunt Slugger would not object to trying it on Glenn Beck. So you don't typically see doctors using bloodletting as a medical technique nowadays, because we've learned from our mistakes. And in fact, most people wouldn't tolerate the procedure if they saw it performed on themselves or another human being. There would be intense media coverage, a public outcry, congressional hearings, a criminal investigation, and the creation of Bloodletting Awareness Month. As a people, we simply wouldn't stand for it.
It was one thing when '80s fashion first came in vogue, back in, well, the '80s. We really didn't know any better. It was the fashion equivalent of bloodletting, and we just carried on the best way we knew how, totally oblivious to the fact that we had other options. Your Aunt Slugger, for example, wore a lot of tapered jeans in her day. Granted, at that time, I was also very focused on playing with my Kenner Ewok Family Hut, which I definitely loved more than my brother and possibly more than my parents. So my judgment wasn't as finely tuned as it is now. But we really couldn't have been expected to know; it's only in hindsight that we can reflect upon this period in history and wonder what it was that was infecting our water that caused us to both wear shoulder pads and elect Ronald Reagan not just once, but twice.
Yet somehow, here we are, ignoring the fact that one of the greatest tragedies in the history of mankind - leggings - is repeating itself before our very eyes, and there is not one single thing we can do about it besides kill ourselves. It's the only way I can think of to stop feeling as though I'm living in a John Hughes movie.
In the interest of avoiding pesky and potentially expensive lawsuits that might arise from advocating the grisly torture of anyone wearing stirrup pants, I will only generally address your last question. Sometimes, MCHPBTSWDICAFF, law and morality are not aligned, and it takes a few brave people to stand up for what they know is right. So if you take it upon yourself to bring a loaded weapon into the J.Crew women's pants department...well, just know that history will eventually judge you a hero.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
Why, in the name of everything holy is fashion in 2010 embracing the 80s and early 90s? Didn't it look bad the first time around? Why plaid? Why now? Should anyone selling, purchasing, browsing, or thinking about browsing stirrup pants be shot on sight?
Thank you,
My Clothes Have Pee and Barf on Them So What do I Care About Fall Fashion
Dear MCHPBTSWDICAFF:
The short answer, MCHPBTSWDICAFF, is that I don't know. I don't know how we, as a people, have become so depraved that we openly tolerate people wearing compression tights in public. And for those of you who are saying, "Compression tights? Who's wearing compression tights?" -- you may already be too far gone. Right now, in a hospital somewhere, there's a nurse squeezing the legs of a lower-body trauma victim into a pair of skinny jeans to prevent blood clots, and no one is the wiser.
There have definitely been instances thoughout the history of mankind where people have tolerated some unimaginable atrocities. But we (or at least most of us) usually learn from our mistakes. Bloodletting, for example. Back in the day, people used to believe that you could bleed disease right out of your veins. Using modern science, we know today that this practice is absolutely preposterous, although your Aunt Slugger would not object to trying it on Glenn Beck. So you don't typically see doctors using bloodletting as a medical technique nowadays, because we've learned from our mistakes. And in fact, most people wouldn't tolerate the procedure if they saw it performed on themselves or another human being. There would be intense media coverage, a public outcry, congressional hearings, a criminal investigation, and the creation of Bloodletting Awareness Month. As a people, we simply wouldn't stand for it.
It was one thing when '80s fashion first came in vogue, back in, well, the '80s. We really didn't know any better. It was the fashion equivalent of bloodletting, and we just carried on the best way we knew how, totally oblivious to the fact that we had other options. Your Aunt Slugger, for example, wore a lot of tapered jeans in her day. Granted, at that time, I was also very focused on playing with my Kenner Ewok Family Hut, which I definitely loved more than my brother and possibly more than my parents. So my judgment wasn't as finely tuned as it is now. But we really couldn't have been expected to know; it's only in hindsight that we can reflect upon this period in history and wonder what it was that was infecting our water that caused us to both wear shoulder pads and elect Ronald Reagan not just once, but twice.
Yet somehow, here we are, ignoring the fact that one of the greatest tragedies in the history of mankind - leggings - is repeating itself before our very eyes, and there is not one single thing we can do about it besides kill ourselves. It's the only way I can think of to stop feeling as though I'm living in a John Hughes movie.
In the interest of avoiding pesky and potentially expensive lawsuits that might arise from advocating the grisly torture of anyone wearing stirrup pants, I will only generally address your last question. Sometimes, MCHPBTSWDICAFF, law and morality are not aligned, and it takes a few brave people to stand up for what they know is right. So if you take it upon yourself to bring a loaded weapon into the J.Crew women's pants department...well, just know that history will eventually judge you a hero.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Travel Funding
Dear Aunt Slugger,
I was hoping to receive your comments on this situation. What would you say if you found out that a 32-year-old man is going on vacation to DisneyWorld with his parents and an occasional girlfriend? FYI, the parents are funding the entire vacation.
Regards,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
This poor man. How very sad. You didn't mention it in your letter, but I can only assume that he has lost his job and is dying of some kind of awful, debilitating terminal illness, because that is the only reason I can think of that a grown man would let his parents pay for him and his pseudo-girlfriend to go to DisneyWorld. It's such a tragedy to see a young man leave this mortal coil so early, before he's had a chance to really -
Dear Aunt Slugger,
Please allow me to clarify. He is not dying of a terminal illness, nor has he lost his job. He actually earns an excellent salary and is in good health.
Regards again,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Well, OK, fuck him then.
Folks, as an advice columnist, I am ethically bound to issue the following public service announcement:
If you are a grown adult, and your parents offer to take you and your on-again, off-again girlfriend/boyfriend to DisneyWorld, the polite (and correct) response is as follows:
"Thanks, Mom and Dad. I would enjoy nothing more than to ride Big Thunder Mountain with you and this woman/man that I've been casually sleeping with for the past couple of weeks. That being said, since I am 32 years of age, and since I have a job, and since I am not a big fucking tool, I will pay for my own flight, hotel, tickets, and fried dough."
Your Aunt Slugger is not opposed to DisneyWorld. I'm not even opposed to adults going to DisneyWorld with their parents. I've been to DisneyWorld as an adult, and I will freely admit that I can't get enough of that shit and am always the first person to jump in line to meet Goofy or get Donald Duck's autograph. The takeaway here is not that DisneyWorld is inherently bad, but that letting your senior citizen parents pay for you and the person you just met in a bathroom stall at a truck stop to go to DisneyWorld makes you the world's biggest asshole.
Now, granted, part of the problem is that the type of parents who would fund such a trip are also the type of parents who would produce the type of deadbeat loser that would accept such an offer, so it's definitely a chicken/egg conundrum. Who's at fault more? The kid for accepting the generosity, or the parents for not using a condom back in 1978?
I will leave you to ponder that philosophical question.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
I was hoping to receive your comments on this situation. What would you say if you found out that a 32-year-old man is going on vacation to DisneyWorld with his parents and an occasional girlfriend? FYI, the parents are funding the entire vacation.
Regards,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
This poor man. How very sad. You didn't mention it in your letter, but I can only assume that he has lost his job and is dying of some kind of awful, debilitating terminal illness, because that is the only reason I can think of that a grown man would let his parents pay for him and his pseudo-girlfriend to go to DisneyWorld. It's such a tragedy to see a young man leave this mortal coil so early, before he's had a chance to really -
Dear Aunt Slugger,
Please allow me to clarify. He is not dying of a terminal illness, nor has he lost his job. He actually earns an excellent salary and is in good health.
Regards again,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Well, OK, fuck him then.
Folks, as an advice columnist, I am ethically bound to issue the following public service announcement:
If you are a grown adult, and your parents offer to take you and your on-again, off-again girlfriend/boyfriend to DisneyWorld, the polite (and correct) response is as follows:
"Thanks, Mom and Dad. I would enjoy nothing more than to ride Big Thunder Mountain with you and this woman/man that I've been casually sleeping with for the past couple of weeks. That being said, since I am 32 years of age, and since I have a job, and since I am not a big fucking tool, I will pay for my own flight, hotel, tickets, and fried dough."
Your Aunt Slugger is not opposed to DisneyWorld. I'm not even opposed to adults going to DisneyWorld with their parents. I've been to DisneyWorld as an adult, and I will freely admit that I can't get enough of that shit and am always the first person to jump in line to meet Goofy or get Donald Duck's autograph. The takeaway here is not that DisneyWorld is inherently bad, but that letting your senior citizen parents pay for you and the person you just met in a bathroom stall at a truck stop to go to DisneyWorld makes you the world's biggest asshole.
Now, granted, part of the problem is that the type of parents who would fund such a trip are also the type of parents who would produce the type of deadbeat loser that would accept such an offer, so it's definitely a chicken/egg conundrum. Who's at fault more? The kid for accepting the generosity, or the parents for not using a condom back in 1978?
I will leave you to ponder that philosophical question.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
Sunday, September 12, 2010
The Gym
Dear Aunt Slugger,
I've recently become concerned about my cardiovascular health and have decided to join a gym. Do you have any good exercise tips for me?
Sincerely,
Trying Not To Die At Age 41
Dear TNTDAA41,
Actually, no. I don't. I stopped paying attention to wellness advice after I was forced to square dance in the seventh grade. If you take nothing else away from my advice columns, at least remember this: Never, under any circumstances, should you ever take fitness tips from a middle-aged junior high school gym teacher wearing a red and white checkered scarf. Those are words to live by.
That being said, I can offer you a number of tips for surviving in a gym environment. I have been to a number of different gyms over the years (none of which, you will note, have square dancing machines), and there are a few things you should know before you go stroke out on the treadmill.
First--and this is very important--unless your gym is located inside the locker room of a professional football team, you are not the most athletically disinclined person there. You just aren't. You will think you are, but you are not. Your average gym goer likes to appear as though he or she is a walking, talking Michelangelo fresco, so you will see these people wearing top-of-the-line gear, grunting on the weight machines, and drinking protein shakes while sprinting at top speed on the treadmill. You will also note that these same people rarely survive more than five minutes at any given exercise. This is sometimes referred to as "circuit training," or, as advice columnists know it, "weakness." So do not be intimidated.
Second, your gym will usually offer personal trainers. Unless you have very specific fitness needs, such as wanting your left thigh to look like a turkey drumstick, you don't need a personal trainer. These people get paid by the hour to convey the following message: "Burn calories." Since I am an advice columnist, and thereby already independently wealthy, I will offer the same message here, free of charge: "Burn calories." You may print out this column and keep it with you when you go to the gym to remind yourself of that message, in case you somehow forget why you've decided to surround yourself with sweaty assholes in unforgiving moisture-wicking shorts.
Third, you should not worry about your appearance at the gym. Wear the following outfit: t-shirt, shorts, socks, sneakers, and deodorant. (PLEASE wear deodorant, especially you, dude in yellow shirt who uses the rowing machine every morning from 6-6:30). For you women, if you consider putting on makeup before you go the gym, you should also consider checking yourself into a mental facility. For you men, if you consider not wearing a shirt, ask yourself the following question: "Am I a model?" If the answer is no, you can't go without the shirt. If the answer is yes, you still can't go without the shirt, given that the modern male model looks as though he's been eating nothing but cocaine and Tic-Tacs for the past two years.
Finally, you will find that people will spend a great deal of time trying to see how far you've gone on the treadmill, or how many flights of stairs you've climbed on the stair machine, or how many gallons of sweat you have produced. Disregard these people. They are the same people who keep meticulous notes about how long you took for lunch at work last Friday and how many times they saw you check the online weather forecast. They are also sociopaths who keep body parts in their pantries, so pay them no heed (except as required to avoid being alone with them near an electric carving knife).
Well, TNTDAA41, I hope this helps. Good luck at your new gym, and remember: If you eat properly, exercise regularly, get 8 hours sleep a night, and drink 10 cups of water a day, you will still die.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
I've recently become concerned about my cardiovascular health and have decided to join a gym. Do you have any good exercise tips for me?
Sincerely,
Trying Not To Die At Age 41
Dear TNTDAA41,
Actually, no. I don't. I stopped paying attention to wellness advice after I was forced to square dance in the seventh grade. If you take nothing else away from my advice columns, at least remember this: Never, under any circumstances, should you ever take fitness tips from a middle-aged junior high school gym teacher wearing a red and white checkered scarf. Those are words to live by.
That being said, I can offer you a number of tips for surviving in a gym environment. I have been to a number of different gyms over the years (none of which, you will note, have square dancing machines), and there are a few things you should know before you go stroke out on the treadmill.
First--and this is very important--unless your gym is located inside the locker room of a professional football team, you are not the most athletically disinclined person there. You just aren't. You will think you are, but you are not. Your average gym goer likes to appear as though he or she is a walking, talking Michelangelo fresco, so you will see these people wearing top-of-the-line gear, grunting on the weight machines, and drinking protein shakes while sprinting at top speed on the treadmill. You will also note that these same people rarely survive more than five minutes at any given exercise. This is sometimes referred to as "circuit training," or, as advice columnists know it, "weakness." So do not be intimidated.
Second, your gym will usually offer personal trainers. Unless you have very specific fitness needs, such as wanting your left thigh to look like a turkey drumstick, you don't need a personal trainer. These people get paid by the hour to convey the following message: "Burn calories." Since I am an advice columnist, and thereby already independently wealthy, I will offer the same message here, free of charge: "Burn calories." You may print out this column and keep it with you when you go to the gym to remind yourself of that message, in case you somehow forget why you've decided to surround yourself with sweaty assholes in unforgiving moisture-wicking shorts.
Third, you should not worry about your appearance at the gym. Wear the following outfit: t-shirt, shorts, socks, sneakers, and deodorant. (PLEASE wear deodorant, especially you, dude in yellow shirt who uses the rowing machine every morning from 6-6:30). For you women, if you consider putting on makeup before you go the gym, you should also consider checking yourself into a mental facility. For you men, if you consider not wearing a shirt, ask yourself the following question: "Am I a model?" If the answer is no, you can't go without the shirt. If the answer is yes, you still can't go without the shirt, given that the modern male model looks as though he's been eating nothing but cocaine and Tic-Tacs for the past two years.
Finally, you will find that people will spend a great deal of time trying to see how far you've gone on the treadmill, or how many flights of stairs you've climbed on the stair machine, or how many gallons of sweat you have produced. Disregard these people. They are the same people who keep meticulous notes about how long you took for lunch at work last Friday and how many times they saw you check the online weather forecast. They are also sociopaths who keep body parts in their pantries, so pay them no heed (except as required to avoid being alone with them near an electric carving knife).
Well, TNTDAA41, I hope this helps. Good luck at your new gym, and remember: If you eat properly, exercise regularly, get 8 hours sleep a night, and drink 10 cups of water a day, you will still die.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
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