A few months ago, I saw a post on Facebook that the first five friends to randomly appear in your friend list will be on your team in the event of a zombie apocalypse. I looked, and one of my five friends was an old friend of mine, Eden.
This was a reassuring thought to me, because Eden and I had been very good friends back in the day, when we were fellow Pirates at Memorial Park Middle School in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Even more reassuring was the fact that Eden had attended Harvard Law School and passed the Florida Bar Exam, two accomplishments that make a zombie apocalypse look like amateur hour.
At the time, I had this image in my head of pulling my car into Eden's driveway in Florida. She'd answer the door holding a sawed-off shotgun, with a grenade strapped to her chest, give me a hug, and commence a detailed strategy meeting for how we were going to tackle this pesky zombie issue.
Don't judge me; this is why I am an advice columnist and not a novelist.
As it happens, Eden is tackling a different zombie right now, which you can read about here.
Eden Essex Banks, Fellow Pirate, Lead General Counsel of Zombie Apocalypse Team X, Friend:
Fight on, comrade, fight on.
Answering life's deepest questions
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Rahm Emanuel
Many of you saw this clip from cnn.com in which Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel walked out of an interview after he was asked whether he would send his children to the Chicago public schools. Your Aunt Slugger has decided to weigh in on this topic, since I don't really have anything better to do.
You should watch the clip, but in case you miss it, here are the highlights:
1.) A reporter asks Rahm Emanuel if he will send his kids to the public schools.
2.) His response is something snide like, "Oh [name of reporter]? Let me break the news to you: My children are not in a public position. The mayor is."
3.) He walks out.
Oh, Rahm Emanuel? Let me break the news to you: No one is saying your children are in a public position. But we are saying that your decision about where to send your kids sends a message to your constituents about your confidence (or lack thereof) in the Chicago public school system. So we have a right to know ("we" meaning the citizens of Chicago and me, their unofficial mouthpiece operating out of an apartment in Cambridge, Massachusetts).
And furthermore, don't try to twist this into a "the media is attacking my poor, innocent family" situation. Fuck you, Rahm Emanuel. A.) As mentioned above, stop crying wolf, you big sissy, and answer the question. And B.) You're the mayor of Chicago. You brought them into this. Responsible journalists will give them some degree of distance, but you knew when you signed up for this shit that there are all sorts of crazy fucks out there, including (but not limited to) your own big fat fucking mouth, which seems to operate on its own terms.
As an aside, in case anyone is wondering, yes, your Aunt Slugger did attend public school from elementary through high school, and yes, I ate the public school food and wore the public school-provided gym clothes. I still have polyester burns on my thighs, but I'm a better person for it.
You should watch the clip, but in case you miss it, here are the highlights:
1.) A reporter asks Rahm Emanuel if he will send his kids to the public schools.
2.) His response is something snide like, "Oh [name of reporter]? Let me break the news to you: My children are not in a public position. The mayor is."
3.) He walks out.
Oh, Rahm Emanuel? Let me break the news to you: No one is saying your children are in a public position. But we are saying that your decision about where to send your kids sends a message to your constituents about your confidence (or lack thereof) in the Chicago public school system. So we have a right to know ("we" meaning the citizens of Chicago and me, their unofficial mouthpiece operating out of an apartment in Cambridge, Massachusetts).
And furthermore, don't try to twist this into a "the media is attacking my poor, innocent family" situation. Fuck you, Rahm Emanuel. A.) As mentioned above, stop crying wolf, you big sissy, and answer the question. And B.) You're the mayor of Chicago. You brought them into this. Responsible journalists will give them some degree of distance, but you knew when you signed up for this shit that there are all sorts of crazy fucks out there, including (but not limited to) your own big fat fucking mouth, which seems to operate on its own terms.
As an aside, in case anyone is wondering, yes, your Aunt Slugger did attend public school from elementary through high school, and yes, I ate the public school food and wore the public school-provided gym clothes. I still have polyester burns on my thighs, but I'm a better person for it.
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