Dear Slugger,
Why, in the name of everything holy is fashion in 2010 embracing the 80s and early 90s? Didn't it look bad the first time around? Why plaid? Why now? Should anyone selling, purchasing, browsing, or thinking about browsing stirrup pants be shot on sight?
Thank you,
My Clothes Have Pee and Barf on Them So What do I Care About Fall Fashion
Dear MCHPBTSWDICAFF:
The short answer, MCHPBTSWDICAFF, is that I don't know. I don't know how we, as a people, have become so depraved that we openly tolerate people wearing compression tights in public. And for those of you who are saying, "Compression tights? Who's wearing compression tights?" -- you may already be too far gone. Right now, in a hospital somewhere, there's a nurse squeezing the legs of a lower-body trauma victim into a pair of skinny jeans to prevent blood clots, and no one is the wiser.
There have definitely been instances thoughout the history of mankind where people have tolerated some unimaginable atrocities. But we (or at least most of us) usually learn from our mistakes. Bloodletting, for example. Back in the day, people used to believe that you could bleed disease right out of your veins. Using modern science, we know today that this practice is absolutely preposterous, although your Aunt Slugger would not object to trying it on Glenn Beck. So you don't typically see doctors using bloodletting as a medical technique nowadays, because we've learned from our mistakes. And in fact, most people wouldn't tolerate the procedure if they saw it performed on themselves or another human being. There would be intense media coverage, a public outcry, congressional hearings, a criminal investigation, and the creation of Bloodletting Awareness Month. As a people, we simply wouldn't stand for it.
It was one thing when '80s fashion first came in vogue, back in, well, the '80s. We really didn't know any better. It was the fashion equivalent of bloodletting, and we just carried on the best way we knew how, totally oblivious to the fact that we had other options. Your Aunt Slugger, for example, wore a lot of tapered jeans in her day. Granted, at that time, I was also very focused on playing with my Kenner Ewok Family Hut, which I definitely loved more than my brother and possibly more than my parents. So my judgment wasn't as finely tuned as it is now. But we really couldn't have been expected to know; it's only in hindsight that we can reflect upon this period in history and wonder what it was that was infecting our water that caused us to both wear shoulder pads and elect Ronald Reagan not just once, but twice.
Yet somehow, here we are, ignoring the fact that one of the greatest tragedies in the history of mankind - leggings - is repeating itself before our very eyes, and there is not one single thing we can do about it besides kill ourselves. It's the only way I can think of to stop feeling as though I'm living in a John Hughes movie.
In the interest of avoiding pesky and potentially expensive lawsuits that might arise from advocating the grisly torture of anyone wearing stirrup pants, I will only generally address your last question. Sometimes, MCHPBTSWDICAFF, law and morality are not aligned, and it takes a few brave people to stand up for what they know is right. So if you take it upon yourself to bring a loaded weapon into the J.Crew women's pants department...well, just know that history will eventually judge you a hero.
Sincerely,
Aunt Slugger
